Two posts in one day again. I needed to "talk" about this with people who would get it. I don't want to burden Mr SC right now. He's doing well but in pain from his surgery. I want to be there for him and not give him even more emotional crap from me.
I don't have very many friends. I have many acquaintances but only a few close friends. Those close friends that I do have don't live anywhere near me, which makes it tough. Perhaps it's the only child in me that this never really has bothered me. I'm a loner, for the most part. Plus, until I met Mr SC, I was relatively guarded in life for fear of being hurt.
Anyway, one of my closest friends lives in Austin, TX. We've been friends since we graduated from college and were roommates for a couple of years. We've lost touch over time, just because our lives are busy and crazy. I know though that she's there if I need her.
Over the last six months or so, I've been pretty much out of touch with any of the friends I do have. I don't call them back or don't follow through with potential get-togethers. Why? Well, it's tough. I so dread the "how are you?" or "what's new" questions. I'm a horrible faker and I just was afraid to get into it. I don't want my friends to remember me or think of me with pity.
My friend from Austin has called me several times and I've never called back. I emailed her tonight and spilled my beans. She didn't know about the third miscarriage, the surgeries, the diagnosis, the depression. She does now. She was so reassuring...offered me a place to stay to get away and visit and asked all sorts of good questions. She brought up things like a surrogate and other things, but then said she hoped that she didn't' offend me. She just didn't know what to say and wanted to try to fix it but didn't know how. She then said that she hopes that everything works out because I will be an amazing mother.
So here I am in tears. I hate not wanting to talk to Mr SC. I hate letting myself acknowledge that fear that I'm never going to be a mother. And I miss my friend. I just want to see her and forget all the bullshit and just have fun the way we used to.
I'm so sorry Kelly! I'm sorry your feeling this way. I'm a loner myself and only really have like 1 friend IRL and I recently lied and said I was still getting tests done b/c I don't want her to know we're starting treatments. I'm afraid she'll ask too many questions and then pity me if it doesn't work out. I already see pity in her eyes when she asks me about it and I can't handle it. I miss the way things used to be too. I'm so sorry, I hope you feel better soon. Lots of hugs. And email me if you want to tonight or anything. I'll be around.
ReplyDeleteWe are so similar. I am an only child too (from my mom) and don't have many friends either. I am just fine with being a loner, although sometimes it bothers me. I never thought about it being because I am an only child...interesting. I can totally see that.
ReplyDeleteI definitely understand why you aren't calling your friends back. It his so hard to relay all of the information to them. You are afraid of them saying hurtful things. You feel so different from them.
I think that your friend was sweet for trying to comfort you. (I don't love that she automatically jumped to surrogacy, but she was just trying to be comforting).
You and I are "older." Most women our age have children. We don't fit in with those women. So we are left even more friendless at this point in our lives. We don't fit in with young married couples, nor do we fit in with couples with kids. I actually find that I fit in more with my 30 year old co-worker who has a boyfriend and surfs every weekend, then I do with women who have kids.
It is a lonely and isolating time. I am sorry.
One more thing...I accepted your award on my blog! Thanks so much!!! It was fun to write about something different.
ReplyDeleteI know it stinks! It's good that your a loner anyways though, I'm not one, but am becoming one and it is a hard transisition. I'm so thankful to have the blog to "talk" out my feelings with someone besides my DH. :)
ReplyDeleteOh Kelly ... (((hugs))) are coming your way! If only I lived back in Frederick, MD I'd be close enough to run up to PA and take you out for coffee and a pedicure. We are alot alike too. I'm an only child and over the past 2 yrs. of IF, I've isolated myself even more than usual. I feel so guilty for pushing away the few friends that I have but It was my way of coping.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you had that great conversation with your friend in Austin. If only money (and PTO) grew on trees you could hop on a plane to Texas and have some real girl time.
Sending you lots and lots of love.
I'm so glad you were able to share with your friend. I've had the same hesitation about sharing with people because I don't want the pity or the hushed behind-the-back conversations about me. That being said, I do have a few friends who know about the whole process, and it's invaluable to be able to talk about things with them when I'm bursting.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're struggling right now, and wish you could magically transport out to Texas to see your friend. *hug*
Seems like there's a bunch of us that are loners, I am too. I moved and never made friends again, all my best friends are hundreds of miles away. So my husband is my best friend and sometimes he doesn't know how to handle all of this estrogen!
ReplyDeleteI hope your feeling better....I am glad you let your friend know about everything that is going on. I think sometimes we want to be strong and handle things ourselves so its hard to open and get up support, especially when most people don't know what that support looks like for us.
The good news is, we have each other. It's not the same as having someone you adore go with you for a cup of coffee, shopping or pedicure, but it's something. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
giant (((HUGS))) Kelly! I'm glad you let your friend in on what's going on, & that she was there for you. I don't have alot of female friends either, & most of them have kids anyway. I recently had a friend who told me she was pg when she was 5 months, because she "felt bad" telling me. It made me feel worse.
ReplyDeleteThank God for you & all the other wonderful ladies to "hang out with"!!! Much love to you!!!
It must have felt good to let it out to your friend, to have a IRL ally. I'm sorry she lives so far away! She sounds very sweet, asking questions and offering suggestions etc.
ReplyDeleteAny way you can swing a long weekend with her? Maybe you can meet in the middle?
I think it sucks that as IF'ers part of our coping mechanisms are to withdrawal from our friends and family. I hate being a liar, I hate when someone give me a random "How are you?" And I say "Good." That's a big fat lie.
Have you considered taking your friend up on her offer and going down to visit? I know you probably don't want to take any more time off work, but it you could swing a long weekend or something...you might enjoy the getaway!
ReplyDeleteUgh, I can completely identify with so much of what you've written here.
ReplyDeleteI almost always question myself whether or not I should tell my husband how IF is effecting me at any given moment. I just don't want him to worry about me.
And I have almost completely withdrawn from all of my friends, they're all (effortlessly) having babies. But being alone doesn't necessarily bother me either, I find more comfort in not having to explain myself anyway. And aside from all that, we have this amazing internet community to keep us sane.
Thanks for your comment on my blog. I look forward to following your journey.
It really does seem like there are a lot of us in a similar position -- I'm an only child with only a few really close friends, too. And, they all live far away. It's so hard to keep up with them and keep the discussions with them "normal."
ReplyDeleteI really hope you can figure out a way to get together with your friend and spend some "real" time with her that doesn't feel like it's focused on IF. Many ((Hugs)).
I'm so glad you opened up to your friend. Yes, some people say a lot of stupid shit. Some people will pity you when you don't want them to. But your true friends will be the ones like this one: They try and say the right things and apologize in case they don't. They offer to help in any way they can. It's great to have IF friends to lean on, but sometimes it is our oldest friends who we open up to and who comfort us in return with open arms.
ReplyDeleteI hope you and your friend can get together soon and have girl time--just the two of you. It might give you a chance to take your mind off of IF.
(((hugs)))
Kelly, I'm so glad you talked to your friend. It's hard to know who to open up to and when is the right time. None of my close IRL friends know anything about what I've been going through. I know that my true friends will love and support me anyway, but I just hate to be a big downer.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to get to TX soon for some real "away from it all" time. You so deserve it. (((HUGS))))
Big hugs, Kelly! I'm glad that you got to have a nice talk with your friend. I started to tear up reading what she wrote to you. I think you are incredibly strong woman and have made it through so much.
ReplyDeleteI was an only child for 10 years so I'm very much a loner too and I find it much easier to talk to all of you ladies way more than talking to my friends IRL.
I wish I could drive over and give you big ole hug!
You are in my prayers and I KNOW that you will be an incredible mother!!
So sorry...I think we all just want things back to the way they used to be :(
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your friend was kind and caring. The outsiders just don't know what to say, as they haven't walked this path. It's frusterating and generally they say all the wrong things, but have no clue they have. Do go visit your friend and re-connect, it will do you good. I've recently reconnected with some friends and its nice. Like you, I have no good friends who live near me, as hubby and I are living in a new city. But, I consider myself lucky to have wonderful friends to email with and have phone chats with.
Sending you HUGS, as this journey is long and so exhausting. On a happy note, I feel very confident that we will be hearing good news from you very soon...you're on your way :)
I'm exactly the same way (and, reading through the comments, it sounds like a lot of people feel that). I keep thinking: I don't want to talk to people until I have nice news to tell them. Still waiting, and I have let a few friendships fall by the wayside. Explaining is just so very hard. I'm glad you talked to your friend and that she was there for you. Dealing with this crap in all its craptastic forms is so hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you already know this, but Southwest flies super-cheap from Philly to ATX (direct, too, and luggage is free.) We fly SW all the time when we fly home.
ReplyDeleteOh I am sure it was such a relief, in a sense, to be able to tell someone IRL. I do understand not wanting to always burden your DH with your IF craziness!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your recent reward, BTW :-)
Marla, I didn't know that and will check it out. Thanks!
ReplyDelete