YUCK!

I wish I would never have to POAS again! If any of you have any insight to offer with this, please, please let me know!

So I never really know when AF is coming. Even when I used to temp, I never got that sharp hey, she's almost here drop. So, I only have OPKs to rely on. They at least give me some sort of window, even though my LP is different each cycle. DH and I are taking this cycle off too (and probably the next) so the OPKs will give us an idea of when NOT to DTD (I know we should use a more reliable form of BC but hey, isn't one of the joys of being hitched being able to ditch those yucky condoms??) So I want to track when I O so I know when to not get frisky and also to see the witch's estimated arrival.

I'm just curious...how similar is your LP from cycle to cycle?

I Got It! My Halloween Costume!!

That's right, after days (weeks really) of agonizing!

It may appear as if I'm not dressed up at all but I am, you see...

I'm a FERTILE woman who hasn't miscarried three times in 7 months!! YAY!!!

Maybe I can pretend, just for a day.

Random thought of the day

You know you're addicted to FB when...

you know that today is the day the new Bejeweled Blitz tournament starts!

Unraveling...

From what I've read (thanks, fellow bloggers!) and from what I've gathered, it's completely normal, when on this IF/miscarriage/RPL journey to have highs and lows. Coming to this realization has helped a great deal. I was quite perplexed last week when my therapist told me everything I was feeling was normal. Um, WHAT??

I feel like that perfect sweater. You know the one. It's gorgeous. Its color just speaks to you. When you touch it, it feel amazing. When you try it on, it feels as if it was made specifically for your body. It's cozy, soft and warm and fits in just the way that it makes your hips feel spectacular. When you wear it, you feel like you do on no other day. Your hair can be uncooperative on that day. A zit? Ha! You're wearing your sweater! You feel sexy and special and want to be touched.

At some point in your glorious love affair with your sweater, you notice it. That little pull. ACK!!! You may try to cut it. You may try to do the inside-out-sleeve-shove-it-in-trick. However, it's lost a little of its luster. You're concerned when you wear it. What would you do without it? Why didn't you buy another? Could you find a replacement? You know the answer...never.

Then one day, and it could be later rather than sooner, it starts. It starts to unravel. No matter how great it once was or how desperately you try to save it, the sweater is no more.

That's how I feel. I'm not saying the sweater is me. Believe me, I'd consider myself far from gorgeous. I'm not sure if I'm referring to what was once my happy life that now has a dark cloud over it, or if it's the disillusionment I feel about my female reproductive self. Either way, it freaking SUCKS. And "freaking" isn't really the word I want to use, I'm just still minding my manners in the world of blogging. Believe me, at some point you'll think my blog should be called "sailor girl".

Some things to be happy about

I feel badly, being new to this whole blogging thing, and coming across as this sad, whiny, depressed person. I'm not. I have vowed to not let these losses destroy me.

Sometimes I'll post about other things, not even related to TTC! Imagine that!

I thought I'd introduce you to two things that make me happy...
Nittany (our yellow lab) and Lewie (our black lab mix)

Lewie I rescued when I was single. That dog got me through some rough times (you know, single in your late 20's/early 30's when everyone around you is either married and/or having children). He's a great pooch. Nittany has been with us for a little over a year. We're not sure how old she is, but we're guessing three. She's also our Dock Dog. She jumps in those competitions you may have seen on ESPN. Her longest jump was 19'11"!

I'm not a judgemental person, I just play one in my blog.

My step-SIL had her baby. For those of you who don't know, this is the same SIL that shared my EDD with me from my first m/c.

I'm not sure why that date, 11/25/09, is weighing so heavily in my mind. I mean, I've had three m/c. I think it's because it was the first time I was ever pg. DH and I were both so ecstatic and started talking and planning right away.

SIL never understood why I had difficulty with all of this. I tried to explain after my first m/c that I needed some space. Then we had our second one. She started asking people in the family why I was mad at her. UM, I'M NOT. I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN YOU. I'M SORRY THAT I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR ME AND YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.

Anyway, her water broke back in early October. My MIL called and woke DH and I up at 6am to tell us that her water broke and asked for my other SIL's cell number, who is studying to be a nurse. MIL was freaking out...she's only 30 weeks!!! She's only 30 weeks!!! Actually, no she's not. She's over 32 weeks. I know. I should be as pregnant as she is. Now, I realize her water breaking that early is bad. But 32 weeks is much better than 30 weeks. DH gave MIL the phone number and hung up. I still don't know why MIL called. It's not complicated...she should go to the hospital!! I lost it. When MIL called DH later in the day for an "update", DH asked to not hear the play-by-play and explained that he cared how she was but it was too tough. MIL apologized profusely.

Well, I found out tonight that SIL had her baby. How? MIL had a picture on her dining room table. I went over to visit and there she was. I quickly left and asked DH if SIL had her baby. Yes, he said. Ok, well I understand we didn't want a play-by-play but being told that she had her baby is entirely different. DH only found out himself last week when he stopped in to see his mother at work and the pic was there. No one wanted to tell him and he didn't want to tell me. Gee, thanks. WTF???

SIL isn't married. Her BF is 9 years younger than she is and is unemployed. He's also an alcoholic. Yes, seriously. He won't marry her. He doesn't want to. So, SIL decided she would just get pregnant instead. Freaking wonderful. This is the same SIL that I was there for when DH and I got engaged and she found out and lost it. I told her privately, because I knew she'd be upset (although I drew the line when she asked if she could try on my ring). So that's me...passing judgement on her. SIL thinks that children only get screwed up or don't do well in school when their parents don't love them enough. Yeah, good luck with that.

I'm planning a few days away for DH and me so we're away for 11/25. I hope that makes it a little easier.

What's my label?

Ah, insomnia. Well, at least I didn't wake up with swine flu. I was feeling all day yesterday like impeding doom...I took cold medicine before I went to bed (um, isn't that supposed to knock me out??) and woke up not feeling any worse. YAY! My students (and colleagues, for that matter) were dropping like flies in school.

First, I get why labels are bad and that we shouldn't feel confined/defined by them. But in all seriousness...I'm not sure where I fit.

We've been TTC for 13 cycles (since 7/08). My cycles are on the longer side (33-35ish days) but with our losses, some of those cycles were a little longer than the usual longer.

According to my doc, I fit the label "AMA". When she said this at first I was puzzled (again, it was at my disasterous prenatal visit)...um, American Medical Association? But I'm a teacher??? Thanks to the wonderful ladies who pointed out earlier that AMA is a silly label. After all, since I just turned 35, shouldn't it be more like AAMA??? ALMOST advanced maternal age?? Oh right, I'm not pg anymore...so I guess it doesn't matter.

Anyway, three losses brings me to the RPL label. YUCK. If I'm able to get pg though (and just not STAY pg), is that IF? I'm not sure what exactly it is I'm struggling with, except for that all of this just plain sucks. I'm really just asking because there have been a few times, whether I'm commenting on a blog or posting myself, that it's come up in my head. I wasn't sure what to put for the three words to describe my blog for ICLW. I also don't want to come across as insensitive...my struggle with RPL is different, but still painful. After my first two losses my doctor (who I do love) said to me, "well, the GOOD news is that you can get pg". Um, ok. Seriously though, if someone can cook but it tastes like complete shit, what's the point?

I'm an ICLW newbie (and a last minute one at that!)

and from the blogs I've been reading, I realized I should jump in and introduce myself with my "story".

So I'm Kelly. With my birthday last month, I just became eligible to run for President of the United States! I live in Pennsylvania, a bit of a transplanted city girl. I now live at the base of a mountain where the NY Times can't be delivered on a Sunday morning! On a non-TTC note, I'm an avid reader. I also love to travel and to go antiquing (when I have the time). I have two awesome furbabies, a black lab mix that I rescued seven years ago and a yellow lab that we rescued a little over a year ago. The yellow lab is our Dock Dog!

I met DH when I relocated to this area 2 1/2 years ago to take a new job. I teach with my SIL, who decided to try to set us up. We all went to a comedy club the night I met DH.

I always kept a "list" of criteria that a member of the opposite sex must have before I even CONSIDERED dating them. However, when I moved to the area, I had just gone through a bad break-up and definitely was NOT looking to get involved with anyone. When this group outing came up though I thought, what the heck. Why not? It would be a great way to get to know new people. People that I knew who knew future DH always talked about how wonderful he was. He didn't fit ANY of my previous prerequisites. (Ex. I had been a vegetarian for 13 years and he was a hunter).

After a week, we both talked about not seeing other people. It just always felt so natural and right with him. I knew he was it for me very early on. I moved in with him six months later and after eight months, we were engaged. We were married in a small ceremony in my MIL's garden in June 2008. I tossed my BCP in the trash on our honeymoon. We knew getting pregnant could take a while, but we didn't realize what was in store for us.

Our first BFP came in March of 2008. My HCG levels never really rose and I had a m/c at about five weeks. That's the EDD that's stuck in my head. It's coming up...11/25/09, the same day my SIL is due.

We didn't prevent the next cycle (after all, it took us eight months to get our first BFP) and we got pg right away. I started spotting at 5.5 weeks and after two u/s, our LO didn't grow beyond 6 weeks. I had a D&E and we took off the next two cycles.

We got our BFP the first cycle we started trying again (Sept 09). I started spotting (again at 5.5 weeks) and had an u/s that looked good. I was diagnosed though with a small subchorionic hemtaoma. Here begins the roller coaster. At our follow-up u/s (at 6 weeks) my dr told us a m/c was imminent. He drew HCG and progesterone to confirm. When those tests came back great...another u/s. We saw our little bean's HB, nice and strong. We were over the moon.

At our first prenatal appointment (at 9 weeks) we had another u/s. It showed our little bean never made it past 6w3d and no HB. I had another D&E.

We're currently in limbo, waiting a couple weeks for my appointment before we start all of the testing to see what's up. I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder over the summer and was taking baby aspirin. Next time, I want to try heparin. I also have had CD3 b/w done and and u/s and all were fine. I have hypothyroidism, which is under control.

I can't help but think that the losses are all my fault. I never wanted to have children and all DH and I want are a child that we can raise together. It just kills me that he gives me the world and I, month after month and pregnancy after pregnancy, let him down. I am trying desperately to not let the losses destroy me and our happiness.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

I'm so glad I love my job.

After I made this leap this week and went back to work, I began to feel better. That doesn't mean that I don't sob on the way home in the car every day or that I'm not sad, but I'm so grateful to have a job that engages me and energizes me (even without the anti-anxiety drugs my doc gave me!)

I'm a high school teacher (9th and 12th graders, specifically). Sure, sometimes the kids can be rude, lazy, and whatever else those adolescent stereotypes are. At the end of the day though, I love their energy. I love to teach them things and I enjoy the challenge of engaging them on a daily basis. I know that I teach them things every day, but my students really have no idea how much they teach me and how much they bring to my life.

I will reread this post when I'm grumbling about grading their projects later on this weekend. :)

Welcome, ICLWers!

I'm still new to this whole blogging thing, and even newer to ICLW. If you're reading, welcome! I look forward to getting to know you and learning from your insight and experience. :)

Go Phillies!

In many ways, I can be very much a girly-girl, but not when it comes to sports!

I'm excited that the Phillies have made it back to the World Series! Somehow, through the luck of a lottery I entered on the Phillies website, I was able to get tickets to Game 4 last year. Not just any tickets...they were down the first base line, 25 rows from the field. DH was absolutely, positively giddy. I loved seeing him like that. He caught a ball at batting practice and gave it to a young boy standing near him who was at the game with his father, which touched me a great deal. Unfortunately, I tried to register for the lottery this year too late so we won't be going.

Perhaps my love of sports is why a current State Farm commercial bothers me so badly. It's the one with all the sports t-shirts on babies, children and even dogs. What really gets me choked up is the woman at the game (supporting the Phillies with her husband), wh is wearing a t-shirt with a red arrow, pointing to her pregnant belly, that says "Rookie of the Year".

Gosh, why does everything in life seem to all come back to TTC? *SIGH*

I'm losing a friend

and I'm not really sure how to handle it.

You see, I have a friend, L. L and I work together and live relatively close to one another. We aren't BFFs or anything, but I work with her and enjoy spending time with her (when both of our schedules work). The thing about L is that she is one of the best listeners, ever. She has paid me the same compliment. She is a true and genuine person, which we all know are rarities in this world.

The day that I told L that I was in fact still pregnant (and that the initial u/s was just too early to see anything) she was overjoyed for me. She listened as I told her all about seeing the HB and how we thanked God that we still had our little bean.

L then said how cool it would be, us delivering together and all. WHAT?? How we'll get big bellies together and can spend time together next summer with our infants and our dogs. She has a 1 year old daughter and her and her husband officially started TTC this cycle. I introduced her to the world of OPKs. Guess they worked.

The first thought that popped in my head when she shared all this with me was...OH SHIT. What if I have a m/c again?

I can't bear to look at her. I miss her so much but I can't. I can't look at her. I can't look at her without feeling like I'm about to vomit on the spot. All I see is the hell that I'm now forced to live in. She is due a week after I would have been.

To L...please know that I love you and I miss you terribly. You deserve a better friend than I am in your life and I'm so, so sorry I'm pretty much punishing you for what I'm going through. I just hope one day you can forgive me.

Does this mean I'm old?

First, physically I don't feel old. Although I just turned 35, I don't feel like I look it (generally, people are surprised if I tell them how old I am). A few things though made me think that perhaps I SHOULD feel old.

I distinctly remember at last year's PSU homecoming game walking around campus and seeing people with buttons..."Class of 1996" (hey, I started HS a year early so I graduated from college at 21). They all looked sooo old. I kept asking DH, OMG, do I look THAT old? He kept laughing and saying no. I wanted to exchange my button.

At my disasterous prenatal visit last week, the doctor used the term AMA, "advanced maternal age". She said there could be additional concerns and may do additional testing later on in the pg. Well, I don't have to worry about that currently, but I'm sure next time my maternal age will even be more advanced.

I'm trying to find some cute new shoes. I usually try to make at least one good, solid purchase each season. Something that's trendy but not so trendy it won't last beyond a season. Something though that could be a little expensive, if it's worth it. I can't find anything! What's up with these peep-toe boots? Or over the heel boots? I'm sorry, but I have trouble even wearing my high (almost to the knee boots) to school because EVERYONE (kids, adults, etc) calls them "hooker boots". Even those who wear them. I'm also not getting the "feminine details" with all the flouncy looking bows and such strategically placed on purple, stilleto type shoes that also have a platform base at the ball of the foot. What?? I'm a teacher in a rural district, so pumps don't really work. That doesn't meant I walk in cow shit in the halls or anything, but if I wear a heel it can't be a crazy heel (so, I don't want to appear taller than 5'6" or anything!)

So I guess I'm wondering...am I missing something this year? Any suggestions?

Well, I did it...sort of

What a yucky day. I felt and looked like crap. Kids kept asking me if I was ok, why I was out, etc. etc. They're just kids and were being nice (well, the 9th graders asked all the questions because they didn't really know any better and the seniors, I'm sure, just talked about it all amongst themselves.)

By the end of the day I had a meltdown in my car and I had to call DH to drive me to therapy. I felt so, so much better. Poor woman. She knew how nervous I was about being pregnant and when she opened the door to the waiting room to get me, she had this hopeful look on her face and I lost it.

Afterwards, DH and I went to my favorite nursery. Not the baby kind...the flowers kind. I got a gigantic mum for my whiskey barrel in front of my house and also a brownie scented candle. I also actually ate today (pizza, yum!) Please don't worry about me wasting away to nothing. I have some cushion to lose (let's see, the 10 newlywed pounds and then the 10 oh shit I had three miscarriages pounds).

I'm staying home tomorrow though. I may play in the garden. I may take my dogs for a long walk. I may feel frisky and drive to the enormous mall two hours away and go shoe shopping. But I will be off, at least. I just need to do that for me.

Speaking of flowers, I received these beautiful roses on Thursday from four wonderfully supportive women that I *met*, courtesy of ivillage. I don't know what I would have done throughout this journey without their support. The flowers still look gorgeous and still make me smile. Thank you again. :)

I don't think I can do it

I've been gearing up as much as I could today to return to work tomorrow. I've been catching up on grading, planning, etc. Earlier I was at such a better place in my head.

For the past two hours, I can't get myself to stop shaking and my heart to stop racing. I don't know if I can go back tomorrow. Gosh that would be FIVE DAYS. Plus, I was out four days earlier this year already (for those of you who knew, the 1st time this pregnancy when we were told we were going to lose the baby and didn't).

What am I afraid of? I'm going to look like complete hell. I'm not a good faker. At all. People and kids are going to be talking about me and asking how I am/where I was. I don't know if I can answer those questions. I dont' have faith in myself to be able to answer those questions. I had planned on blowing it off and saying the flu (for those of you who are teachers, you probably know the blow-off approach I'm talking about when a kid asks something you'd rather not talk about). I don't know if have that in me yet.

Why? I have the answer.

That's what I'm telling myself anyway. It's a thought I've had since last July when we started TTC and it still lingers.

Truth be told, I never really wanted children. *GASP* I know, for someone who has been trying to get pregnant now for over a year, this is the unheard of. Yet, it's true.

I've never been one of those fairy tale wishing gals. You know the ones...those who always dream of this big, lavish wedding. Nope, not me. There were a total of eight people at my wedding and that was just right. No princess gown for me.

I also never really wanted to be a mommy. Sure, I played with my coveted Cabbage Patch dolls and Barbies, but not the way some little girls do. As I got older and people asked if I wanted kids, I always said "we'll see". I never really felt like I had that maternal instict that some women or girls have. Those who just love love love kids. That all changed when I met DH.

Having a child became something that DH and I wanted, together. We want to raise a child that is part of us. We want to share our love and our home with a child. We talked about all of this relatively early on in our relationship when we knew that this was it for both of us. I remember clearly saying...I've been on the pill for so long. What if all my women parts don't work? What if we can't have kids? Is that a deal-breaker? His response? No, I don't just want kids. I want to have kids with you.

Where is the answer to "Why?" Why has this happened to me? It's simple. I didn't yearn for it like many women have. We've been at this game for 15 months, which isn't all that long to women who have been trying for years and who have always, for as long as they can remember, wanted a child. It's not fair that I get to have a baby when I'm new to this wanting a baby game. Why should it come easy to me when some have wanted it desperately for so much longer?

Why that title??

I hate musicals. Ok, I don't hate them. Rent was pretty cool. I have though, since I was a little girl, absolutely LOVED Annie. One of my favorite songs from the movie is this one...

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

I'm trying to keep this song in mind lately. I could use some sunshine. I'm trying to remember that there's a great little four letter word in the English language: hope.