Thankful

Reading through FB, there are so many who post about something they are thankful every day. Every moment of every day I'm thankful for my little A, who isn't so little anymore. She looks like a kid now...more and more. Pulling her curls back into a ponytail blows my mind.

I'm also thankful that Pop Pop is responding well to his cancer treatment. He had his vertebrae removed in the end of August and is one of the rare patients with his type of cancer who is able to have his kidney removed and also the area to where it spread. The prognosis generally isn't good for his kind of cancer (as in, lucky to be around a year after diagnosis) but the new meds that have come out the last few years have improved that a bit. That and his overall good health are in his favor. His scans set week came back clear, which gives us even more to be thankful for.

I still stop myself every day. There's a part of me that can't grasp the fact that I'm a mom. How did I get to be so lucky?

Pop Pop Has Cancer

I'm an only child and the only thing close to a father that I've ever had is my stepfather, who my ,I'm married 20 years ago. They were high school sweethearts who found each other again. How cute is that?

On the night of June 3rd, after weeks of sudden, immobilizing back pain, Mr SC talked him into going to the ER. I was in the shower when I heard Mr SC running back the hallway, telling me to get out of the shower. My mom was on the phone. Between hysterical sobs, Mr SC was able to make out "large mass" and "spine".  

I went into school, finished up my finals and everything else for the last four days of school, and drove the 1 1/2 hours to my parents' house as we played the waiting game for the countless tests. Wednesday afternoon I was there to hear the words that no one wants to hear...malignant. Turns out he has stage IV kidney cancer, which spread to his vertebrae. Within days his kidney was removed and  in the weeks that followed, we've been spending as much time with him as we can.

It breaks my heart to see Pop Pop with A. He adores her and because of his weakened vertebrae and pain, he can't pick her up or really even play with her.  It breaks my heart that he may not be with us long enough for A to even remember him when he leaves us. 

I'm hoping and praying. 

But here is where I want to blog...

I miss blogging. I miss the friendships and the community. I miss the connections. 

Last year, I started a new blog. New mommy, new blog. Well, it just doesn't feel like me. I had decided to try a different blog because I didn't want to upset anyone who was a follower and who was still TTC, yet it never really felt like the right place. So, I'm going to try here again.

Of course though, now that I, the mother of a two year old (how the hell did that happen?) there's not much else in my head. It's all A, all the time. I'm so thankful and I wouldn't have it any other way. She's a happy, bright, loving little girl who isn't shy about telling you that she isn't finished riding horses, playing at the playground or watching fireworks. These last two years have been the most happy and the most difficult of my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

A New Focus

Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post.  Your words meant a great deal.  Mr SC and I had a heart to heart and things seem to be better, and for that I'm thankful.

I've decided to create a new blog.  There.  I said it and I did it.  Truth is, I've always felt like the pregnant lady in the RE's office posting about Alaina here and mommyhood, while so many are still in the trenches.  I'm keeping this blog because it documented our TTC journey, with all it's ups, downs and heartache, but I'll be blogging solely at the new address.

I can't say enough though how much I value the connections, relationships and friendships I've developed through blogging and so I'm moving.  New blog, new focus.

Much love to you all for being there for me.  I hope to see you at my new blog.

And...don't give up hope.

Wife Fail

I'm not really sure what made me decide to blog about this.  I mean, it's an IF blog and I don't blog that often.  I've been struggling with something though and here I find myself.

This summer has been amazing.  I'm a teacher so I've been a pseudo-SAHM since June.  I have about three weeks left and could cry when I think about going back.  The day is pretty routine but I love it.  I love teaching A things and watching her smile, laugh and grow.

Mr SC is home, too.  I believe I talked about this before, but he did damage to two of his nerves in his arm last July, about two weeks after A was born.  He's been off of work this entire time.  Although he's been limited physically, he's been able to spend A's first year of her life with her.  Priceless!

Yet Mr SC is miserable. He's grumpy and snappy and just yucky. I thought it was due to a health scare that was resolved this morning but apparently that's not it.  He has mild pain almost constantly and is limited physically with what he can do but his wife and daughter are home with him.  I just don't get what there is to be upset about.  Today I said hey...it could be five hours of physical therapy a week (which he hates because he feels like it's a waste) or 40 hours a week of work.  He chuckled a little but it didn't help.

So, I pretty much kicked him out of the house.  I told him to take one of our change jars (which had a half decent amount of money) and go to the casino to play poker (it's been a long time and he loves to play). He left and I feel shitty.

Truth is, I don't want to do things without A.  I've been out with "the girls" once since she's been born and the only other two times were when I couldn't take her with me.  I just don't get it.

Now I'm here, with her, and it really hurts.  This was all we ever wanted, wasn't it?

A Year in the Making

Where did the time go?  Alaina turned one yesterday!  I don't have a little baby anymore!

To coincide with her birthday, she's turned into a definite toddler almost overnight.  Although she started taking steps here and there at ten months and started walking all over (all day long) about a month ago, the last few days she's been babbling/talking much more and seems so much more independent.  I can't get over how different every day can be!

We also went on vacation a few weeks ago.  The beach was great and Alaina loved it!

Here are a few pics of the last few weeks of adventure:

From her birthday party in he dress

Smash cake fun :)

An overcast day at the beach

Do We Really Need "Mother's Day"?

My feelings about Mother's Day are similar to how I feel about Valentine's Day.  It's a stupid made up holiday that only makes people feel worst about the situation they're in.  The only real difference for me is sometimes, men need a bit of a nudge.  Valentine's Day sort of pushes a male to be a little more thoughtful or romantic than they usually are.  For that, I'm thankful and I enjoy every moment of it.

But Mother's Day?   I grew up in a household where I loved and respected my mother.  Sure, there were times where I felt like I hated her (but I didn't) and times when I was furious at her, yet I never screamed the words, "I hate you" or anything like that.  She was my mother and above all else, I respected her and would never have dreamed of treating her like that.  The only thing I really do differently is send my mom a card for Mother's Day.  Her "gift" is that we do something together...visit a botanical garden or get pedicures, the activity isn't really important.  Just as the physical "gift" isn't that important to her.

Mother's Day for so many is just a reminder of what isn't.  So many go through Mother's Day missing their mother who is no longer with them, or they feel empty because this is yet another day where it's rubbed in their face that they don't have a child.  

I was shopping on Sunday amidst two groups of people...men, aimlessly wandering and playing on their phones and several groups, complaining about what to buy their mothers for Mother's Day.  At that very moment, I decided that the only thing I would ever truly "want" on Mother's Day is for my daughter to never feel like that.  I don't want her to feel some sense of obligation to buy me something.  I hope that she grows up wanting to spend time with me, not just on Mother's Day but every day.