How Will You Survive the Holidays?

I'm really trying to take some time to think about this. I absolutely love Christmas. My favorite part is all of the decorations/lights. I just love it. As much as I'm hurting right now, I've pledged to not let TTC rob me of enjoying it.


Mr SC and I started TTC in July 2008 but last year, the holidays weren't bad. I never really caught myself thinking oh, I should be pregnant by now or anything like that. This year though, I should be doing all of the "Baby's First Christmas" stuff, or at least be ready to pop or be well into my 2nd trimester.


The following is what I've come up with so far about how I'm going to try to cope. Any thoughts/advice/comments are welcome. I guess that's obvious, since I'm blogging about it.



1. Do what I can and only what I can. If I'm having a bad day, screw it. I'm not going to go through the motions.



2. I'm not doing anything I don't feel I can do. Thankfully, even though Mr SC has a very large family, they don't have many set traditions for Christmas. The only one is at his mother's house on Christmas Eve. It's huge. Mr SC will be hurt if I don't go. I'm going to try. Perhaps medication will help me with this. I don't know. When I need to leave though, I'm going home. I should be able to slip away easily, as about 20 people attend the chaotic, but fun, festivities. The length of my stay will depend in large part on if my SIL is there with newborn. (I'm not meaning to be repetitive, but for those who don't know the background, it's the SIL who had the same EDD as me from my first loss and gave birth on the day of my D&E from my 3rd loss).

3. No stockings this year from "Santa". It just reminds me that there should be one extra there that isn't.

Not much of a list yet, I know. It's a work in progress. That's where you come in.

What do you do to help yourself cope with the holidays?

Thank You

everyone for all of your kind words over the last few days. They meant a great deal to me.

Mr SC and I got through these last few days. I'm really glad we got away for a few days. It's still tough and it still absolutely sucks, but we're getting through it.

We got our tree today. It's all decorated with lights, balls and ribbon. The rest of the house though looks like a Christmas decoration store threw up all over the place. We'll get to the rest at some point.

The only really horrible part today was when I found our stockings. We always hang them up empty (including two for each pooch) until "Santa" comes. We decided not to hang them this year. It was too tough thinking that there is one that is missing.

I hope that everyone who celebrates enjoyed Thanksgiving.

I Miss You

November 25 will never be the same for me. It's the date that's haunted me for months, the date that I wish I could just sleep away and skip. It's my first EDD.

I know with certainty that nothing in my life will ever compare to the emotions I felt the day I saw that first BFP. It was such a mix of pure joy and excitement. I can still remember pacing throughout the house as I was shaking, waiting for Mr SC to come home so I could share with him the amazing news. We were both ecstatic and immediately started dreaming about what our life would be like. I started looking at all things baby online and got myself a cutie little ticker on thebu.mp.com. We drove to my mom's house, stopping at Targ.et along the way to get our baby "supplies" tell her. That night was almost magical for us.

All too soon, it was over. We shortly found out that my SIL was pregnant too, with the same EDD as me. She ended up delivering prematurely last month, the same day as my D&E for my 3rd loss.

This day will never be the same for me, just as my life has been forever changed.

I never got to know my little angel. I don't know if our little one was a boy or a girl or if she would have had green eyes like her mommy or amazing blue eyes like his daddy.

What I do know is I never thought I would experience such pain again in my life as I did when I miscarried in March. I was wrong. Our next two losses over the next few months have damaged me so deeply. The grief is, at times, competely unbearable. It turns me into a woman I don't like very much.

So my little angel, on this day that was supposed to be your birthday, I just need to tell you that I miss you so much. I never said those words out loud to you before because I knew I didn't need to. You've seen my tears too many times and my pain is evident to anyone who knows me. Today though, I felt I had to. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you or dream about what it would have been like to hold you in my arms. I hope, one day, I'll get to do just that. Until then, know that your mommy and daddy miss you so very much.

It's Almost Time

to get away! This is exactly why I wanted to go away somewhere with Mr SC. I have something to look forward to.

This weekend was tough. I stayed on Saturday and on Sunday I went to see my parents. My mom gets it. So does my stepfather. My aunt came also, who I used to be very, very close with. I felt badly that I wasn't much fun. It was so difficult though to watch my mom with my niece (who my aunt brought). She's five and all I kep thinking of was if my mom would ever get to play with her granddaughter, or if that chance died when we lost my little girl.

Thanks to all of your kind words from my earlier post. It made me feel so much better. I'm going to be a bad ICLWer this week. We're heading away tomorrow and 10:30 and won't be home until Thursday night. I'm NOT taking my laptop. :) I have a post that I'm working on for 11/25, but that's easy to post from my phone.

This Is Going to Be Harder Than I Thought

I certainly hope that today isn't a preview of coming attractions, but I think that's probably going to be the case. Gosh I can't wait to escape from reality on Tuesday and get away.

My friend, Katie, described it best. I feel like I've turned into "Emo Kelly". Seriously, Katie. You should get a patent on that or something.

I knew these next few days would be tough. This morning I decided to get my ass out of bed and go to Wegm.ans and Targ.et. Seriously, what could be bad at either of those places?? Well, I saw countless (literally, I stopped counting) pregnant women in all shapes and sizes. There were also several infants. Usually I'm good at not allowing these things to bother me. Today they did.

The worst of it though came in the car on the way down. Effing radio. There's this song by an artist that I don't particularly like, that evokes a great deal of emotion in me. It was playing a few years ago when I got the call that one of my very dear friends was in a serious car accident. She's fine, but even without the emotions I'm experiencing now, it's tough for me to listen to. I don't know why I just didn't turn the damn station.

~Tears stream, down your face, as you lose something you cannot replace.~

Yep. That was it for me. I was on the interstate and had to get off at the closest exit and uncontrollably sob. I tried to call Mr SC but he's running a tournament today. I didn't expect him to pick up. So, there I sat until I was finished sobbing. It didn't matter how satisfied I may have been with my appearance when I left my house (You know what I mean. I'm not saying I think I'm a hottie. I'm not. But, when the "primping" is done, it's that feeling you get when you glance that one last time and think, ok, that's what it's going to be today). I was a puffy, red. blotchy mess. The only saving grace was that I didn't see anyone I knew.

I'm not going out in public for several days.

Welcome, ICLW!

Hi everyone! Thanks for stopping by! You can read a bit more about our TTC journey on the right and a little more about "me" in general (what? there's more to me than TTC for 14 cycles and my 3 losses??) here.

Although TTC hasn't been necessarily "fun" (ok, well, other than the DTD part!), there are two wonderful things that have come of it. First, I truly think that it's brought DH (who I refer to as Mr SC) and I closer. It also has led me to *meet* and develop an amazing support system of women who truly understand what I'm going through. That, to me, is a tremendous comfort.

Um...

I have to post this and get this out. I can't talk about it or share it with anyone, so here I am.

My freaking mind is a mess right now. I am trying desperately not to think about the date, because then I automatically think...oh, it's 11/20. I was due in five days. I actually went out tonight with a group of friends for dinner/drinks. I haven't gone out much. It's the fear of leaving my controlled environment. I just moved out here two and a half years ago, so the chances of running in to someone I know are small. I'm sure you're sensing a but...

The office woman from my OBGYN was there. The one who frantically tried to get me an u/s appointment after my first prenatal visit and the u/s that was supposed to be joyous that wasn't. The one the next day that saw Mr SC at the doctor's office and told him how sorry she was (heck, she knew me by first name I'd been in and out so much since March with my pgs and losses), that she thought about us all night. With her was the only woman in the office who can successfully draw my blood. The one that cheered me on when I would get my HCG checked. The one who watched me break down on more than one occasion because I was so scared. They didn't say anything to me, which I was thankful for. What would they say? Hey, how are you? After I got over that, it was an ok night.

I'm so glad that Mr SC and I were careful this month. Even though the hematologist was great, I still have the RE visit and the more complete testing that I want. Oh yeah, there was that one time that we weren't...3 or 4 days before I Oed. I truly didn't think I was anywhere close to Oing so I hadn't been concerned. I hadn't been concerned. That is, until today. I hope this is just my effed up mind playing games with me.

If Looks Could Say WTF???

My hematologist had it all over his face today...WTF??? What a sweet, sweet man. He walked in with my reports and said so, nice to meet you, etc etc, I have your labs here and I've reviewed them. You had trouble with a miscarriage and you'd like some help with answers? I said well, yes, but I actually had three miscarriages (his face fell a little) since March of this year (and I swear he had to will his jaw to stay in place).

Anyway, he's recommending heparin injections when I get my BFP. He's passing on the report to my new RE and also my old gyno. He told me that if I met any resistance for whatever reason from these doctors, call him and he'd find me one that would make sure I'd follow the protocol.

One down, one more to go...12/3 to the RE.

Not So Much

I pride myself in being "with it". Together. Sometimes people say I'm high-strung. I take that as a compliment. I'm always on the go and always have 30 thousand thoughts in my head.

My 1st appointment with the hematologist is tomorrow afternoon. I thought I was fine. I mean, sure, when I talk about things I literally get sick to my stomach and must find a bathroom. Pronto. While I'm taking care of business though, I can talk myself down, and then I'm fine. In private, if I need time to get my head back in the game, I do it. Then I'm fine.

But I guess I'm not. First, I screwed up a bill of ours majorly. I don't do that. The repo man isn't coming or anything, but still.

Second, I lost a set of my students' papers. They're gone. I tore apart my classroom and Mr. SC helped me. Nothing. It was just worksheet, but still.

And now today. I left my effing PURSE at SCHOOL. I packed up, walked out of the building and drove home. I'm a female. Who the hell forgets their purse?

Perhaps I'll take the Ata.van now.

Blog Award from Noelle!

Thank you so much for this award, Noelle! When I read your blog, I am so moved by your honesty and candidness. You have the courage to say things that many do not. It is for those reasons that in your words, I find strength.

The rules for this award are simple. I LOVE YOU equals 8 letters which gives you 8 rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you write a little bit about why you love them.

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love

5-Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.

6-You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.

7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.

8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.


I pass the love on to the following:
Katie, Katie, Rita, and Jen Ladies, I can honestly say I don't know what I would have done without each of you these past few months. Each of you has touched my life in a different way and for that, I'm thankful.

Thanks, Katie!!

So the rules for Kreativ Blogger are:

1. List 7 things about myself others might not know.

2. Award 7 people with the award.

Thanks for tagging me, Katie, for this award!

1. I play the trumpet.

2. I was a vegetarian for 13 years.

3. I love to watch dumb shows on M.TV. The H.ills, Paren.tal Control, Disa.ster Date, MT.V
Cribs... and I can't forget about Rock of Love on Vh.1

4. My husband is a hunter. I AM NOT. The first time I ever touched and shot a gun (just as a
hey, why not kind of thing) I hit a dead bulls-eye from about 200 yards.

5. I was four when my parents divorced and five when my stepfather adopted me. Because of
that, my paternal grandparents moved away and did not contact me. I was lucky enough to
"re-meet" my maternal grandmother five years ago and got to know her before she died.

6. I can speak Spanish and French. I'm not fluent or anything, but I could easily get around in
France and hope to be able to do the same in Spain one day.

7. I am a huge football and politics geek. I won my Fantasy Football and Fantasy Congress
leagues last year. Yes, seriously.

Ok...I tag Katie, Noelle, Michelle, LaShawn, Alice, Jenn, and Em. Have fun!!

What Should I Do?

I am beyond frustrated and didn't know where to turn. I thought here might be good because of all of your experience.

So I finally called the peri's office. I've been waiting for a week to hear from them. The nurse says yes, we have your files but there's a note here that for RPL we'd like you to see an RE and not the perinatologist. So now I have to wait for the RE division to get my files to get an appointment.

It's been a week. I've have THREE miscarriages since March. I don't want to fuck.ing WAIT ANYMORE! I WANT SOMEONE TO HELP ME.

So I called the doctor who wanted me to see the peri and left her a message. Now I'm waiting for her to call me back also. I asked the nurse who took my message if she knew of any other peris or REs in the area that they work with and she said no.

I was already reluctant, even before this waiting crap, to go to the place where they referred me. It's well known and a successful place, but they're known for being impersonal, etc. Who knows when I would even get in there??

What should I do? I'm so beyond frustrated. I'm in school and am supposed to be functional and I'm not. As if this week isn't already bad enough. There's a part of me that wants to make an appointment with the fertility clinic in Maryland that's a two hour drive and say screw it. The doctor that I had my consult with before my D&E had said that's where he always refers people (and never to the place I'm waiting to hear back from).

This all may sound trivial and I'm sorry if it does. I'm just fucki.ng DONE. At least if I had an appointment somewhere I'd feel like I was making some sort of progress. I"m worried too that I'm going to need surgery to have fibriods removed, which would push back TTC even further (thanks to Dr. Google, 4-6 MORE MONTHS!) They weren't visible on an u/s in July and in September they were. I just feel like the clock is ticking and I want to try to get somewhere, at some point.

Am I Being Unreasonable?

My follow-up appointment after my D&E was last Tuesday. At that appointment, my OBGYN said she wanted me to see a perinatologist. She thought this was a good fit for me because not only could they manage a high-risk pregnancy (when/if I get there) but could also see me BEFORE I get pregnant to help me maintain a pregnancy. She referred me to a large, well-known location. This was all Tuesday afternoon.



I called my doctor on Wednesday afternoon to see if my office had called the new office to get me scheduled. They hadn't yet and faxed over my records to them on Wednesday afternoon. My current doctor explained that the clinic's protocol is to review records and then schedule with the specialist. They said I should hear something "in a couple days". Friday afternoon when I hadn't heard from the new place, I called my dr who called them. My office told me that their regular scheduler was out until Monday and I should hear something then.



Well guess what? I haven't heard anything yet. I hate this. I'm about a week away from AF in the 1st cycle after my m/c. I knew it could take a little while to get in to see the specialist. Now I'm just sort of like...WTF? I'm 35 and now I've lost a week. My clock is ticking even louder.



Am I being unreasonable?? Should I call my doctor again tomorrow afternoon and see what's up? Should I write off the new place and ask for a referral to go elsewhere? OR, should I just calm my silly self down?? Thoughts?

Does Your Significant Other Know...

about your blog?

It's been on the tip of my tongue to tell him, I just haven't. I haven't hid it from him or anything, I'm just hesitant that he won't understand. I'm not sure why I feel this way. He's supportive of me and pretty much anything I need to do to get myself better after what we've endured. He's not as "involved" online as I am, although I told him about i.village and the wonderful women I've "met" there and stay in touch with off of the message boards.

I know it's a blog so it's not really private. Heck, I'm not sure if he'd even read it. It's just been something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

I also think instead of DH, I'm going to start referring to him as Mr. SC. SC is an abbreviation for a nickname he has for me.

The Last Time

So tomorrow DH got us tickets to the last home Penn State football game of the season. I was sooo excited all day; we just got the tickets as a last minute, surprise thing. We have awesome seats and I made all the food while DH worked on packing everything.

And then I remembered.

We went to two games earlier this year. The last game we went to, I was pregnant. It was right after we found out. I remember being bloated and so super hot in the sun and falling asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired. We had plans to go to the homecoming game five weeks later. We talked about next football season and having a little one. We talked about how we might not get to any games next year and how that was ok. We talked about bringing home our LO from the hospital in a cute little PSU outfit. Even though we were both so positive, I remember walking to our seats thinking...I hope the next time we're here, I'm still pregnant. I tried to brush off the feeling, but DH knew I was distracted and asked what was wrong. I told him. He was reassuring and said all those things to make me feel better. We ended up cancelling our plans to go to the homecoming game. It was two days after my D&E.

I want to have fun tomorrow but that memory is still going to be in the back of my mind. Perhaps I need to pack extra alcohol in our bag for the pregame festitivies.

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm ok. I'm glad I thought of it now, when I was in the house by myself. He was so excited to take me to this game because he knew how happy I would be. And I will be. I need to be.

My State of Mind

So I'm feeling a little better. Things hit me on Tuesday like a ton of bricks. I didn't sleep on Tuesday night and didn't go to work on Wednesday. I'm a teacher. I can't fake the energy that I need or my emotional state. I refuse to break down in school so I stayed home.

I was bummed to bet a +OPK yesterday and I think today is my O day. I'm bummed because DH and I planned a romantic getaway and it's cutting it close whether AF will be in town for it. BOOO.

I have a bit of an update/vent. A little while back, I blogged about losing my friend and how I was torn up about it. When we had our m/c "scare" (before I actually m/c), she came to my house, called numerous times, etc. I told her (when I found out I was really m/c) that I just needed some space right now. Well guess what? It's now been almost a month and she literally has not spoken to me. I work with her. We exchange "hellos" in the hallway, but that's about it. WTF? I guess she's not as good as a friend as I thought. The worst part is, if/when she decides she is going to talk to me (I'm figuring it will turn into her confronting me about why I'm not talking to her), I know she'll be the one I take this all out on. I sound like I'm the one in high school now, creating this drama. But still.

Does Cost.co Sell Condoms??

I met with my doctor today. She thought it would be best to refer me elsewhere. She didn't want to start to run some of her own tests and then end up referring me somewhere anyway. I was a bit surprised at the next part...she's sending me to a perinatalogist and not the fertility clinic. She thinks this doctor and this field is better for me. She seemed positive and encouraging and thought this doctor would be able to find out just what's going on to get me to keep my BFP.

Get this though...when I googled my new doc, I found out he was Kate Gosse.lin's OB. Hmmm....

I'm waiting to see when my doctor's office could get me in. I said name the time and place and I'm there.

My doctor, Dr. R, strongly encouraged us to use birth control. I turned down the pill. I don't want any more hormones in my body for fear of them interfering with things when I have tests done. So, when we got in the car (DH went with me. He always does), we joked about if Cos.tco sold condoms. We knew they didn't, so we went to another store with a half decent selection. Wow! Tons of kinds to pick from! We tried to have fun and bought six different boxes and tried to make the trip fun. We'll see.

Everything went pretty much as I hoped, with the exception of one thing. My doctor told me that the tissue testing that was done after my D&E was all fine (meaning it wasn't a chromosome abnormality). Dr. R said it was tough to know for sure that there wasn't a translocation issue because there were female chromosomes and they could have easily been mine. Had they been male, well, then it would have been clear that all was fine genetically. My heart sank. All that I heard was...I lost a baby girl.

FML

I've always wanted to use FML. F*ck is my all-time fav expletive. I thought today would be appropriate. I still am going back and forth between feeling like crying hysterically and smashing something. I swear it's hormones. Now I'm pissed. I'm pissed that I have to deal with any of this shit.

So tomorrow is my post D&E appointment. Big deal, right? I've had two D&Es and three m/c, so it's sort of like old hat for me at this point.

The appointment is significant though for me because with it, I'm taking that step. No more not worrying about things. I'm putting it all out there for my doc. I'm 35. I've had three losses. I want every single test under the sun. Period. I know most of these will mainly be from b/w, but still. Denial has worked relatively well up until this point. Now I'm approaching the point of no return.

DH has a meeting Tuesday night (he coaches) so I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to google and update. Please wish me luck. I could use it.

Thank You, Retail Therapy!

I had a stupid mini-freakout yesterday. I feel like AF is coming to town (like a raging, bitchy woman for no reason) although I know for a fact she isn't...I haven't even Oed since the D&E. Anyway, DH asked what I needed. I whined that I wanted to be with him but I wanted to do something for ME. Not for us and not for him. ME. Aren't I such the nice person?

Anyway, I tried to get it out of my system yesterday, but looking at Seph.ora's website just doesn't cut it. You can't see or touch all the sparkly, shiny packaging. You can't smell all the glorious smells.

So, we hopped in the car and drove to the nearest location. It's just a little over an hour away. It's a TINY store. It's doesn't hold a candle really to the one in the Kin.g of Pru.ssia Mall, which is my favorite. But still, off we went.

I'm not usually a sucker for body washes, etc. I hate brand name B of the chain make-yourself-smell-like-a-combo-of-herbs-and-flowers-store. I LOVE though body wash, body scrub and body souffle that makes you smell like baked goods, but only in the fall and winter. SO...I now smell like a chocolate cupcake (courtesy of the scrub I brought, and deviated from my usual P brand of this stuff) and marshmallow, courtesy of the body souffle I bought. My dogs keep trying to lick my legs. DH licked my hand. I smell yummy and I love it. :)

An IF Public Service Annoucement

UGH!! It's only 11/7! Already?!?

Warning: Change your channel immediately for this one!

There's one of those K.ay Jewe.lers commercials for the holidays. It has a Christmas tree and a husband and a new mom rocking a baby. Husband gets out watch, I think, to give to his wife for their first Christmas together as a family. I'm not sure of all the details. I blocked it out.

I get pissed off though...I consider DH my family. DH and me. I don't need a baby to make us a family. So, people who are married and choose not to have children aren't a family? That just irritates me.

When I told DH that he needed to change the channel immediately from now on, he said oh, I know. I asked, "you know?" He replied, "yes". I asked what that meant. He said well, I knew that it would upset you and it upset me too.
I didn't have a good day yesterday and seeing this commercial didn't help, especially since I'm two weeks away from my first EDD and I really thought that that commercial would be DH, me and our LO this Christmas.

Introducing...Me!

Other than my bit of information on the right "About Me" and my "Our Story" about TTC, I never really offered an "introduction". I hate talking about myself (um, really? Aren't you blogging??) but I thought that it may be helpful for ICLW! So, here are a few things about me.

My rules are that they aren't TTC related. You can read about that elsewhere here.

1. I just turned 35. YIKES!
2. I'm a high school social studies teacher. I've been teaching for 12 years and love, love, love my job.
3. I'm a HUGE football fan. HUGE. Penn State, my alma mater, pretty much dictates my social calendar for the fall and once into the new year, when I was able to get to a bowl game (Capital One Bowl in 2003)
4. I love to travel but I don't get to do it as often as I like. I'm lucky to live on the east coast, so I've been to NYC, Philly and D.C. more times that I can count. I've only been to Europe once but I'd love to get back. We discovered the Outer Banks this summer (Hatteras Island...do you know the movie "Nights in Rodanthe" and that cool house? It was filmed there) and we hope to get back every summer. Those are just a few places I've been. My wish list? Hawaii and Spain.
5. I love to cook.
6. I have weight issues. Ok, I know that to look at me, some of you may not think so. However, I have hypothyroidism which makes it painfully difficult to lose weight. I pretty much look at food and gain a pound. I'm a size 12 now and would like to see that number go down to single digits. I had an eating disorder in college though (hello, size 2? I miss you!) so it's tough for me not to obsess about the weight stuff.
7. I love to read. The Kite Runner, She's Come Undone and East of Eden are some of my favs.
8. I used to play the trumpet and was pretty darn good. I quit because I didn't want the label of "band geek". How stupid of me.
9. I have two rescue dogs. Lewie is a black lab mix and Nittany is a yellow lab. She's our Dock Dog!
10. I love my husband. He's my rock. I don't know what I did or ever will do without him.
11. I'm huge political dork. One of my favorite nights is election night, where I have on two different TVs in my house and also have returns coming in on my computer. You can get county breakdown maps from individual state AS THEY COME IN! How cool is that?!?!
That's all I can think of for 6am. Perhaps there will be more later.

Why Can't I Just Be Normal?

I know, I know...there are those who will philosophize about the meaning of "normal" and say that abnormal is the true normal. Well, guess what? I disagree.

I never was normal. I could read at 3 1/2, pretty much all by myself without anyone teaching me. I've never had a cavity or broken a bone. I never even had chicken pox until I was 28. Those things though were "good" not normal. If I'm going to be so abnormal, why couldn't I get the Boardwalk piece for McDon.ald's Mono.poly? (Gasp! I'm fessing up! Sometimes nothing will cut it other than those fries!)

And now this.

All of us in this IF boat know the rest. I don't have to go on about oops babies. Wow, that's tough to just leave that sentence there without elaboration. Or those who TTC and have luck on the first try.

Where most of this came from today (since yesterday I was in such a *good* place) was a conversation a few of my senior students were having today in study hall. They were talking about dominant and recessive traits (I guess from biology class) and were talking about their babies one day and what they would be like. It was such a sweet and innocent conversation and I thought...hmm, you have no freaking clue. Of course they wouldn't.

I almost wish that I were never able to get pregnant in the first place. Then I wouldn't have to deal with these freaking losses and all the shit that comes with it. I hate the damn roller coaster. Yes, in many ways it's a relief to not deal with the anxiety daily but seriously...to be sooo high and come crashing down so hard and then be expected to function like a normal person. WTF is that?

So yes, it's nice to be able to breathe again for a bit. That will last for another 96 hours until my appointment with my OB/GYN.

I'm Enjoying Not Being Pregnant.

There. I said it. I know I broke every IF rule there is, but it's true.

That's not to say that I don't ever want to BE pregnant or that I don't wish that I were still were pregnant on a daily basis (I'd be in the 2nd trimester now, well, or 38 weeks, or well, 30 weeks, depending on which pregnancy you use). I'm not on edge every. second. of. the. day. I'm not a wreck every time I breathe. I don't panic over every ingredient in everything I ingest. I don't inspect/smoosh my boobs to check to see if they still hurt. I can go to the bathroom in peace and don't have to analyze TP every time I go to the bathroom (including trying to check internally for spotting when I go to the bathroom). I can enjoy sex with my husband and not worry pretty much lay there like a frozen person.

This, of course, is the calm before the storm. Before all the testing. Before my appointment that I made with the hematologist. Before trying again and all that goes with it. Heck, this 3rd pg I wasn't even sure I wanted to try again so soon. It was our 3rd cycle after our 2nd loss and we figured sure, let's see what happens? What are the odds? That's obvious now I suppose.

I'm going to enjoy this as much as I can until next Tuesday, which is my first appointment.

The First Step

I'm proud of myself. I have my first appointment with my OB/GYN after my D&E on 11/10 to start to talk about all of the RPL testing (beyond just those that showed a clotting disorder, Factor V Leiden-heterogenous and another one that I don't remember the name of). Well, I started looking for hematologists that specialize in RPL. I emailed an office yesterday to ask about their practice and if anyone could help me. I told them briefly my history (3 losses in 7 months and only taking baby aspirin per my doctor).

I sent this email last night and had a response from the office this morning by 8am. The woman said she spoke to a doctor and they wanted to see me. When I called to schedule an appointment, I asked to speak to the woman who sent the email. The person who answered the phone said "oh, I have your email right here in case you called". I'm going in on November 19th at 3pm.

All of that background didn't tell you why I'm proud of myself I suppose. The thought of the next few months and all the testing, doctors appointments, etc., scares the shit out of me. I got sick to my stomach before I even made the phone call. I did it though. I didn't wait and I made the call. It may not seem like a big deal but in my head, I cleared an enormous hurdle.

Well My "Warm and Fuzzy" Post Didn't Last Long!

So I have a stepson. He's six and he's with us Thurs-Tues every other week. Struggling with IF/RPL, I know you'll understand that with only the third sentence of this post, when I say that he was an "oops", I'm not meaning that to be rude/callous/whatever. It just is what it is. DH was silly and stupid and in a shorter relationship and, well, oopsed. It's an odd situation because he and the other individual barely speak (he tries when it's about DS and she won't). It's an odd situation too because she broke things off with DH when she was two or three months pregnant. Anyway.

DS and I aren't close. I used to try to bond/whatever with him. I gave up. When I say "bond", I don't mean the...oh I want to be your mom-away-from-home bonding. Just trying to make a connection. It's also tough (for DH and me together, not as if we are at odds or anything) because DS can clearly do things in his other household that we don't agree with. But whatever. This all is tough for DH because, well, literally he makes himself pay mentally constantly for the "oops" even more so now because of what he and I have been through. I don't make him feel this way, he pretty much does it to himself. I suggested he see a counselor (either with me or without) but he's not interested.

So that's the background. I'm not upset about this or anything. That's not the point of the background. It's just background. I knew everything from day one and I didn't mind. It's been tough though, with what's going on with us.

Anyway, DS just gave me a "Mom" card, "I Love You So Much" that he made at school. I appreciate the gesture (although he doesn't generally call me "mom", he thinks that any mother figure in his life gets that title, but I digress...)
This is going to sound cold and unfeeling, but he was so proud of this card and I just sort of looked at him. I said thank you and kissed his head but obviously here I am so it bothers me. I don't want him to call me "mom" or any variation of the word. I'm not his mother. I hate when DH refers to me as "mommy" with the dogs. I'm not a mom and I have an empty uterus to show for it.

Oh What A Night...

DH and I had a GREAT night last night. We went out for an official "date night", which included dinner and going to see a comedian. The food was great and it felt soooo good to laugh so hard. We stayed up late and watched the World Series and, well, did other seemingly obvious married-yet date night activities. I share that because it was nice to feel like a wife and a woman again. Getting ready and being told that I looked great (although seriously, DH is blind because I could wear a paper bag and he'd say that) and spending an entire night forgetting everything did more for me than those anti-anxiety pills do!

DH turned to me at dinner and said "This is nice. We haven't done this in a long time." He's right. We're one of those disgusting couples that does pretty much everything together but we don't go out like that often. It made us think back to how we met too (which was on a sort of blind date at a comedy club).

That's my post. No being obnoxious or pining about what could have been.

Oh...I am looking for a clever name to call DH. DH is just so, blah. I'll let you know what I come up with!