Um...

I have to post this and get this out. I can't talk about it or share it with anyone, so here I am.

My freaking mind is a mess right now. I am trying desperately not to think about the date, because then I automatically think...oh, it's 11/20. I was due in five days. I actually went out tonight with a group of friends for dinner/drinks. I haven't gone out much. It's the fear of leaving my controlled environment. I just moved out here two and a half years ago, so the chances of running in to someone I know are small. I'm sure you're sensing a but...

The office woman from my OBGYN was there. The one who frantically tried to get me an u/s appointment after my first prenatal visit and the u/s that was supposed to be joyous that wasn't. The one the next day that saw Mr SC at the doctor's office and told him how sorry she was (heck, she knew me by first name I'd been in and out so much since March with my pgs and losses), that she thought about us all night. With her was the only woman in the office who can successfully draw my blood. The one that cheered me on when I would get my HCG checked. The one who watched me break down on more than one occasion because I was so scared. They didn't say anything to me, which I was thankful for. What would they say? Hey, how are you? After I got over that, it was an ok night.

I'm so glad that Mr SC and I were careful this month. Even though the hematologist was great, I still have the RE visit and the more complete testing that I want. Oh yeah, there was that one time that we weren't...3 or 4 days before I Oed. I truly didn't think I was anywhere close to Oing so I hadn't been concerned. I hadn't been concerned. That is, until today. I hope this is just my effed up mind playing games with me.