On one hand, I'm ecstatic that I finally have this darn tube and balloon removed tomorrow. My cramping is pretty much gone, but the apparatus is given me all sorts of other uncomfortableness. I want the balloon gone!
On the other hand, I am petrified. I asked you a couple of days ago what I should be asking my RE and I appreciate your advice very much. What I realized though is that I pretty much had all of you confirm all of the things I knew I needed to ask. That's the thing though...I don't want to think about it.
As I type this, my chest is tight. I can feel it racing. I'm teetering on the edge of completely losing it. This is it. The talk. The plan. And then, TTC again.
The thought of trying again makes me want to throw up. Literally. I can't imagine. I can't imagine trying again for something that has brought me so much unimaginable pain. Even with the testing and what's been discovered, I'm just not sure I like the answers. I just feel unsettled. I told SC today that I have a bad feeling it's going to happen again. Is that me knowing that somewhere, deep down? Is this like when I called the doc after my surgery, feeling like I just knew there was a problem and guess what? More scar tissue.
If we were younger, I'd take off indefinitely. No ifs, ands or buts. I wouldn't even think twice about it. I'm going to be 35 1/2 in March. Time is not a luxury that I have.
There is a part of me that is praying the doc says to take off February tomorrow too. If I'm still taking the estradio.l after I get my period, she'll be pushing me back to March. How twisted is it that I'm fine with that? It's been so nice to not be thinking about trying since October. SOO nice. How do I change all that?
I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to have additional dates in the calendar fucked up in my head... 10/14, 5/28, 3/25. The days I lost my babies. Oh right, then there's 11/25, 1/4 and 5/20. My EDDs. Then there's the days I got my BFPs, Mother's Day (I got a gift last year from SC when I was pregnant), etc.
Kelly, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know you're scared. You have every right to be terrified after what you've been through. No matter what the doctor says tomorrow, if you need to take another month, you should take it. You should do whatever YOU need to do for your own mental and emotional well-being.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) I'm here if you need me.
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how you feel. This morning on the way to our 3rd opinion Re appointment I felt so sick, I told DH I'd be throwing up if I had eaten anything.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your babies.
I hope the Re puts you at ease tomorrow.
Thinking of you.
I also think you should take the time you need, but I don't think one can ever really be 'ready' to ride that roller coaster again.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Kelly, that must be tough to think about trying again (and scary). I hope tomorrow's appt goes very well and you leave happy and at peace with your plan. I'll be thinking of you. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) Kelly! I totally know where you're coming from, & I'm dreading restarting myself. I feel like if I'm not "really" trying, then it's not failure. I hope your appointment leaves you feeling positive. Will be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh Hugs to you Kelly. It must be horrifying - I would be frightened too. Just try to remember, Fear cannot reside where there is Love. Your love for your unborn child trumps your fear of loss again. That doesn't mean that it's going to be easy for you, but it will be your desire that will get you take the first step and your love that will make you stronger. You will be amazed with yourself, you are a resilent women, you have already proven that many times over.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry it's so hard. I don't blame you for wanting more of a break. You've been through so much already. FWIW, someone once told me that your body can't count and has no idea how old you are - all it knows is health. Take good care of yourself - eat well and sleep well and take the time you feel you need.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
When I first saw your title, I thought that you meant that the sun is almost coming out. Maybe it is?
ReplyDeleteI pray that you will find peace with the timing, and that it will end up being perfect timing.
Congratulations on getting your tail out!
I'm so sorry you are feeling so stressed, Kelly. It's totally normal for you to feel this way. You've been through so much and you need to do what's best for you and your well-being. If that means taking another month off, then that's what you should do. Talk to your doctor. Explain your fears. Maybe she can help reassure them.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) I hope today's appointment goes wonderfully and you have lots of good news to share. And I'm so happy you are getting rid of that crazy balloon and tail!
Kelly, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. After everything you have been through it is normal to feel this way.
ReplyDeleteI have only been at this for 14 months, and after taking last month off I kind of wish that I could take more time off. I liked not feeling like I failed last cycle.
Talk to your RE about the fears and maybe some can be put to rest. I'm glad to hear you are getting rid of your tail finally!
I'm so sorry this is so stressful and you're feeling so bad right now. I really hope that the talk with your doctor helps one way or another.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to be under the pressure of "advanced maternal age" (we got married when I was 35, started trying at 36, finally had our first at 38 w/miscarriage, etc.). You DO have time to take a few months off. Enjoy your awesome hubby, take time to do something fun for each other. Get away from it for a little bit.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you...ICLW
Kelly, I'm so so sorry for your losses and all the pain you've been through. I can only imagine the fear you have of trying again after so much heartbreak. I'm scared too, after one, sometimes the thought of what might happen again makes me chest tight and makes me want to throw up too.
ReplyDeleteYou do have time to take a month off if that's what you need right now. I hope you can talk to your doctor and he or she will help you decide what's best.
Big, huge hugs to you. Thank you for coming by my blog and sharing your story with me. I look forward to following your journey and I hope I can be some support to you, too.
I'm sorry, Kelly. I've been thinking about you a lot today, wondering how your appointment is going and how you're taking it all in.
ReplyDeleteTake the time you feel you need.
Medically, I had to wait from November to April before we could start trying and then it took until September to get pregnant with Hannah Mae (I know that's not a really long time). The months we tried and were not pregnant were really hard, but they also helped me get more in tune with my emotions and helped me see that I was ready to be pregnant again.
I hope you find peace in your decision, whatever you decide.
We're here.
love,
ebe
Kelly Its a hard place to be in but what I hope for you is that you can find the peace inside...whether that means another month or two or whether that means longer, remember if we can help we will..
ReplyDeleteTotally know what you mean with the dates being stuck in your head. I don't have as many specific dates, but I'm always mapping out benchmarks in my head without meaning to. "I remember last Christmas when I thought I'd be pregnant by this Christmas," and things of that nature. Tough stuff. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteICLW