Perhaps this is just because I'm super cranky today. I don't know. Honestly though, how many of you have thought about throwing in the towel on TTC? I know someone out there must have read that and audibly gasped. That's ok. I get that. Maybe that's why I've have three miscarriages. Maybe I just don't want it badly enough.
I'm on antibiotics for the infection and one of the side effects is inability to sleep. As if I didn't have that problem already. So I wake up after having a horrid nightmare and then after I finally fell back asleep after two hours, I had another.
Think about all the stress this causes us and all the money. All the instruments shoved up our hoo-has. All of the anguish. Sure, you can say that "it will all be worth it in the end". Will it? Who's to say that life will be better after all of this. Or, who's to say that we'll ever reach that end point. Heck, all the love in the world and a child could still turn out to be a juvenile delinquent screwup.
My life was just so much easer when I took my BCP every night and could have sex for the hell of it. Blech.
I wonder this at the end and start of every cycle. DH reminds me that we said we'd do X IUIs and X IVF before we agree to stop.
ReplyDeleteIt's all so tiresome
I think about it every day. You aren't alone Kelly and that doesn't mean you don't want it enough. It just means that you are human. Like Jin said, it's all so tiresome.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Umm, ya, that's us! After this cycle, we are throwing in the towel (at least for a couple of months, but possably longer-like forever)!
ReplyDeleteI worry about the "if I get a baby out of this will it really be better?" all the time. I worry that I'll hate the changes to my body and that my husband will hate them, too. I wonder if I'll really feel complete. I wonder if my marriage will be ok or if the stress of a baby and how it changes things will cause problems...it's all there. As much as I want a baby, I'm scard to death of getting my wish. I hate that it's so conflicting. I do know that these feelings you are having are not the reason for your losses. We are human. We have fears. It's ok to be afraid. And it's ok to throw in the towel, if that's what you want. Unfortunately, there is no right answer in this journey. I would love to believe that it all will lead to a baby and a great new life, but I don't KNOW that...that is what scares me. And I'm sure that is some of what you are feeling, too. And it's ok. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if there isn't a day that goes by where I contemplate throwing in the towel. In fact I may have already when you really consider the fact that I'm not moving forward. I don't know...does that mean I have given up if I'm not moving forward? Who knows. All I do know is that you are not alone. You've been through so much this past year that it's only natural that you are playing everything out. Sorry the antibiotics are bothering you. Hope you feel better soon. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI think about it too. I've thought about it a lot more that we might be moving into more advanced procedures and when I'll have the time to do them because I'm just starting my job. And then I feel guilty because I'm just not into thinking about because it overwhelms me. Then I get angry because I think that it is BS that we don't want it enough! Some people don't want it at all and get it. I try not to look at it as not wanting it enough, but looking at it as not making yourself crazy about what we can't have right now.
ReplyDeleteHugs!!
I've definitely thought about whether this will really be worth it and if we should just stop. After the holidays, I kept thinking, "What if I go to hell and back to have a kid, and it ends up exactly like my SIL? Ugh." Mean, I know, but a legitimate fear (if you knew her).
ReplyDeleteJust because you have thoughts like that, though, doesn't mean you don't want it enough. Besides, not wanting it enough isn't a prerequisite for getting/staying pg.
(((hugs)))
After my three miscarriages, when I became pregnant for my fifth time, that was the first time that I EVER thought to myself, "I don't know if I can do this again if I lose this one." I never expected to say that. I think everyone must hit that point at some time or another. Miscarriages are such emotional rollercoasters. It's not about 2 week waits anymore. Once you've had a miscarriage or two, it's about a 9 month wait, holding your breath the whole time.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're feeling seems pretty normal to me. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now.
I think about this all the time. I think it's very normal.
ReplyDeleteI think when you work so hard for something, when you invest some much of your precious time, emotions, energy and Money.. you worry & wonder about what happens after.
I have all the same fears. Chalk it up to another lovely side effect of IF.
I think about it....when we first started this journey we said we wouldn't do IUI or IVF- but now were going down the IUI path and you wonder where you will stop or if you will. I do know that age might force me out before I'm ready to throw in the towel. I don't know whats worse, being forced out from being exhausted and heart broken or being forced out by default / age.
ReplyDeleteI think we all have those moments. After our second loss, I was adamant that we were going to get rid of all the ttc and baby 'stuff' we had accumulated. I was sure we were done. But my Beloved knew better, and simply hid them away. It took a while, but eventually the discouragement faded. The certainty that it isn't going to happen rears it's ugly head around 11dpo now. But the hope comes back. I know that when the hope fails to come back, that's when it will be time to throw in the towel. For me anyway.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! You aren't alone. ((hugs))
I agree that what you are feeling is perfectly normal - and don't ever let ANYONE make you think that ANY feeling you are having is not OK. (sorry! had to say that!)
ReplyDeleteAnd, don't ever allow yourself for one nanosecond to think that your losses have a THING to do with how "much you want it." (sorry! had to say that, too!)
Otherwise, I think the eventual answer to your ponderings must be different for every woman/couple dealing with IF. As long as you still feel OK about the efforts you are pursuing, that is all that matters. I imagine that you'll know when (or if) you get to "that point." And if you keep trying forever, then that's OK!
(((giant hugs))) my friend. I wish I could just come over and share a cup of coffee or hot chocolate with you!
Me. I think like that all the time. Is it worth this pain disappointment ect ect? How many years do I spend doing this to myself and my partner? I totally get it and you totally have the right to feel any way you need to..
ReplyDeleteI've thought about it too many times myself, Kelly. Like everyone says, you're human & can only take just so much. I can't tell you how much taking a few months break from the RE has helped me, though. I still think about it, but I don't obsess & worry about it at all. I was at a breaking point with our first IVF & really couldn't continue.
ReplyDeleteI've found that acupuncture has helped tremendously with my stress levels, did you ever consider it?
huge (((HUGS)))!!!! I totally get it, & am right there with you!
Yup, I think about it almost every day. You're not alone in that. ((hugs)) Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI have thought about it more lately after our last IUI did not work -- how much more can we do financially & emotionally. You are not alone in your thoughts! I too have found that taking a break every now & then has really helped in getting my spirits and hope back up!
ReplyDelete