I'm trying really hard to remain positive. Unfortunately, for the most part, this simply involves denial. Maybe not actually denial but shoving thoughts out of my brain. Entirely and completely. I'm human, so sometimes I get too overwhelmed and out they come. That's what leads me here.
I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying not to think about having to take another two cycles off (a total of five months since our last loss) and although I think I'm better, even thinking about TTC and the RE giving us the green light (which didn't happen, but anyway) sent me into a tailspin. I'm trying not to think about 2010 will be another year that we won't be having a baby. Or the fact that I'm afraid I have more scar tissue growing inside me. Or the whole infection fiasco. Or our three losses.
But today it hit me. The thing I remember most about my pregnancies? Well, the two after my first miscarriage... How every single minute of every single day felt like an absolute eternity. How every trip to the bathroom made me upset, wondering if this would be when I found out I would be losing the baby. How sex with Mr SC became robotic, because I was afraid I'd start spotting. How every time I woke up in the middle of the night (which happened 4-5 times a night) I would think I so many hours closer to being another day pregnant. All I wanted to do is hit that magical 2nd trimester. That's a milestone I never came close to making. Life did go on, even though at the time, I felt frozen.
I can't imagine going through all that again. I guess it's good I have another two months to think (or not think) about it.
Urgh. I'm so sorry! My RE is putting the kabosh on my TTCing plans as well. I was just complaining to my DH that is seems like everything I hope for slips by. I wanted to have a baby before my 28th bday, not going to happen. And I really wanted our baby to be born in 2010, how cool would that be when it comes to remembering his age! Owell, it's only a few more months~easier said that believed! :)
ReplyDeleteWell, I could say to fake the positive until one day you realize that you're no longer faking it and it's real. I think that's what happened/is happening with me. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteOkay, so Im not sure if my comment is gonna post or not..Blogger went berserkers, so if this is the 2nd time this posts..Forgive me=)
ReplyDeleteOnwards..Kelly, you seem to post exactly what is in my head. Our RE wants us to wait until AT LEAST March to start w/the Femara. In reality, I know my body needs this, but my heart, ugh. And I was the same way w/my last pregnancy. Every day was that much closer to whatever elusive week I was trying to get to that I had never reached before. Every bathroom break was torture and DH and I had none of the sex. I just hate this. And hate that you have been in my shoes. No one should have to go through this at all, let alone 3x. And good for you for trying to stay positive..thats pretty hard to do..but if you ever need solace or a big hug..You know you can come here to get that.
I'm sorry you're still on hold, & I can really identify with what you're feeling. I only had 1 m/c, but after what it took to get there, it hit me really hard. I felt the same way you did, & just "knew" there was something wrong. Every blood draw & u/s brought a tremendous amount of anxiety, & when I had the u/s that showed no hb it was devastating. I promised myself I wouldn't torture myself if/when I got pg again, but I know I will.
ReplyDeleteHang in there & try to rest & prepare your body to try again. Have you ever thought of acupuncture? It's done wonders for me for stress relief!
I know that this must be so hard for you. I hated waiting through the months that I couldn't ttc for various reasons. It just sucks. I understand because of the age thing, and you feel like every single second counts, and you hear that clock ticking. You feel like time is going by so slowly, yet you also feel like your life is passing you by.
ReplyDeleteAnd when you were talking about your pregnancies after your miscarriage...wow. You made me feel so much better. It really isn't a good time.
Because I am on the outside and looking in at you, I can say this easier than if I were telling myself...I would say to enjoy the next two months. Work on losing weight if you need to, start a work-out program. Start working on strategies to help you with your next pregnancy. Maybe get a book on cognitive-behavioral therapy or anxiety during pregnancy, and learn your tools now.
Drink wine and coffee.
Because I know this...you will be pregnant soon. And this is a great time to get yourself ready emotionally and physically.
If this doesn't work out for me, that is what I will be doing.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am sorry that this road is so shitty and long.
(And if you want to take this ass-vise with a grain of salt, go ahead. I know it is hard to take ass-vise from a crazy lady who needs to take her own ass-vise!!!)
I think that a lot of the time, the denial is the only way I can get through the day.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any other projects or anything that you can imerse yourself into for the next two cycles?
I'm so scared of the same things. Trying again seems like a must, it really does, but at the same time I am almost dreading it. The hormones, the shots, the procedures -- the WAITING -- and then? Just more heartbreak and/or anxiety. I, too, want to be positive -- but it's so hard.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice for you, just know that I'm here, with you, thinking of you.
Hugs,
Jo
I am sorry that you are on hold for 2 more months. I have had 2 cycle breaks over the last 6 months and although I dreaded them, they helped me in many ways to get myself prepared for the rollercoaster again. I hope that you can do lots of things that we should not normally do while TTC and that it helps you to feel positive when you decide to get started again! I will be thinking lots of positive thoughts for you!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're on hold for another 2 months. I hope they go by fast! I know that can't be easy so I'll be thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteIt's so unfair that after everything we have to go through to get pregnant, that then we can't even fully enjoy it once we do, because we are all too aware of what can go wrong. I've been so frustrated in the last year when two of my cousins blithely announced pregnancy to the entire extended family the second they peed on a stick, never considering that anything might go wrong--and they were lucky enough to be right, as it turned out. Meanwhile my one pregnancy from IVF lasted only 6 weeks and we didn't tell anyone because we didn't know if it would last. I hope you are able to enjoy this TTC break and go back into the fray rejuvenated.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I'm sorry that you'll be on hold for two months. I hope that when that time is up you'll be ready emotionally and physically to try. I'm so sorry that you have suffered so much pain.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, Dawn
Ugh. I'm sorry you have to wait - hopefully it ends up being just the right thing for you, even if it doesn't necessarily feel that way right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, it really does suck that we can't just enjoy pregnancy when we do get there. I have made a solemn vow to myself that no matter how it turns out, the next time I get knocked up, I will try to enjoy every second of it. Easier said than done, I know.
*hugs* Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteICLW
I'm sorry your TTC journey has not been smooth, and continues to be put on hold. Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving a lovely comment. I am wishing you every success for 2010.
ReplyDeleteI can SO identify with the constant fear when you're pregnant - every time you walk into the bathroom, every time you feel a twinge. I remember one cycle when I didn't get pregnant that I felt profound RELIEF because I had one more month when I didn't have to worry about losing it.
ReplyDeleteWaiting is so difficult, and I hope that the next couple of months will fly by for you. If you're able, try to relax and enjoy your time off so that you're emotionally ready for the next rollercoaster ride.
Kelly, I'm so sorry that this is so hard, so frustrating and scary. It shouldn't be this way. And I'm sorry that it is this way for so many of us.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know what it would be like to be pregnant again, after three losses either. I wanted it so badly, but really didn't know how I'd feel and how I'd cope with the 9 months of waiting...you know, the part that everyone thinks is so fun and exciting...yep, it's super terrifying for us.
I wish I had a magic formula to survive a sub pregnancy. I can only tell you what I tell myself everyday. One day at a time.
And when that's too much, I do one hour at a time or one Lost episode at a time...anything to help with the crazy thoughts that try to take over.
Walking this road with you.
love,
ebe
those same thougts have consumed me as well. I wish I had answers on how to erase the stress and just take things minute by minute. Take this time to be good to yourself. I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of being tired and am moving forward. It feels good to go on dates with my hubby, have cocktails and laugh again. I can't force this to happen.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the scar tissue and infection, etc..as I have worried enough for both of us already. LOL On a serious note, instead of thinking about all that has gone wrong I am trying to reprogram my brain to think of what's gone right for a change...it ain't easy, but I'm doing it :)