Three times today, while watching TV, the shows have referenced someone who "couldn't have children". It's not like I've been home watching TV for 24 hours straight or anything either.
I have been proud of myself. I force myself to say "when" I get pregnant again, rather than "if". When someone asks me how my surgery went (who knows what's going on with me) and I talk about my injections, I say, "when I get pregnant again I'll give them daily". I force myself to try to have that hope.
Truth is, I don't believe it.
I don't want to be one of "those" women or one of "those" couples who can't have children. I don't want to be someone who is always looked at with pity. I live in a small town. Even though we've tried to keep things relatively quiet, I'm sure people know and are whispering.
I fear this is my fate. I fear that all of the reasons that "could be" for my RPL will, in fact, turn into not real reasons at all and that time after time, it will happen over and over again. I wonder how long it will take to break me.
I suppose that I can be proud that it hasn't yet. Perhaps that's just the Lexa.pro though.
Truth be told, if I actually allow myself to stop and think about it, I'm scared completely shitless of trying again next month. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again and enduring the nightly ice cubes and injections, as SC tries to soothe me, or tell me that my belly is beautiful (seriously, who is he kidding? Not me) and in the end, not ever having a baby to hold in our arms. I believed wholeheartedly that this last loss was going to be our sticky bean. Obviously I was wrong.
I sure hope that in the end, I'm wrong about this.
P.S. I wanted to thank everyone who gave me insight/support in my last post. You gave me much to think about. :) You don't need to say "I'm sorry" or anything. I'm ok.
First and foremost, I wish I could just give you a hug, but virtual ((hugs)) will have to do.
ReplyDeleteAt some point your optimism will return. Until that point, tho, try not to be to hard on yourself for wondering and doubting. I've been there, not sure that I could face trying again and wondering if hope is just a big cosmic joke. But eventually I found myself opening the door to hope just a crack. Your hope will return... it just might sneak up on you.
Sending prayers your way!
Oh Kelly..I can't even thank you enough for your kind thoughts & words at my place..and to tell you..we are in the same boat. If I allow myself for ONE SECOND to think about how many miscarriages we've had this year, how petrified I am, I'll be a goner. We always get those "pity" looks from family (cause even though we haven't shared w/everyone, everybody seems to know what is going on)..and some of my aunts (who had trouble conceiving) try to give me advice. I just want to scream at them. I don't want to compare m/c w/them, but they've never experience multiple ones. Lately..I've been wondering what it would be like to just stop. To be finished. Most people don't go through, in their whole childbearing years, what we've gone through in one. As much as I would never, ever hope this on anyone, I am so glad to have found someone that understands exactly, almost to a "t" what Im going through. So I said all that to say this. Im here if you want to scream or cuss something out. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteI don't want to be one of those couples either. Our neighbor's are in their 60's and child-less (I don't know why.) Any my Aunt is also (hysterectomy at a young age.) And they are both miserable, unkind, cold, mean women.
ReplyDeleteI worry about becoming them, did not having children do this to them?
But, when I stop being irrational and think with my head.. they are mean & miserable naturally.. with or without children. :)
Kelly, we could be sisters.... sadly we are so similar. You are just much more eloquent with your writing... I write what I feel, and read it and never post it. I have a ton of 'drafts' just because I think I sound dumb, or worse... whiney! In the last few days I've been struggling that this is my last shot. This one works (or doesn't) and we're done. We will move on to adoption. Which is fine, I'm adopted... I always knew I would adopt some of my children, but never thought it would be ALL of my children, but a little piece of me mourns the fact my belly will never grow big with a baby, that we'll never get to do the 'pregnancy' shots (my best friend is an amazing photog in Oregon and she was going to fly out and do them...), I never get to feel a baby kick me from the inside... A little part of me is sad (jealous/angry could also be used there!) that I'm going to miss that. It sounds truly trivial, but it was something I was looking forward to.
ReplyDeleteI too fear of being one of those people....
ReplyDeleteOverall, it's a daily fight to shoo away those thoughts. I go from being hopeful to hopeless in a matter of 30 seconds. This is a cruel, long journey and without the support of others who are enduring the same I'd feel insane some days.
Hugs and may we find the positive soon :)
I often think about being "one of those couples," where everyone wonders why we never had any children. It's a tough pill to swallow.
ReplyDeleteI have started several posts where I talk about this very topic, but I can never get the wording just right to truly express myself, so I always end up deleting them.
But, let's talk about you, not me. I really think that you have a great shot at having a successful pregnancy, now that you've had that surgery. Don't give up, Kelly! =)
Kelly, I hope you're wrong, too. I hope with every fiber of my being and every ounce of my heart that you will NOT be that person. giant and millions of (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteargghhh.. I know what you mean... like frick off with the pity party allready. It isnt like that helps us go through this journey.
ReplyDeleteKelly, you rock.
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI totally get the not wanting to be one of "those couples." I hate, HATE the thought that people pity us, talk about our situation behind our backs. I mean, after four years and 7 losses, word has a way of getting out. Sigh.
I hope you do get your optimism back. I hope I do too.
I know exactly how you feel. I've been cautiously optimistic. Trying to stay positive, but throwing that if out there instead of when because I'm afraid of jinxing myself. But hope will find you again. It always seems to find me...Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI too believe that one day, you'll find hope again ... long enough to live and believe that you will be a mother. That's not to say that your entire pregnancy won't be fraught with worry (who wouldn't worry in your situation ... noone can blame or judge you) but I hope beyond all hope that the Love.nox will help you reach your dream.
ReplyDeleteWe're ALL here for you ... (((hugs)))
I don't want to be one of those couples either, Kelly. Stay positive is so hard, and I really do believe that the hope will come back to you. It may come and go in waves, but you will see it again.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to tell you that it's going to happen or that things are going to be okay, because I don't know that. What I do know if that until you get your hope back, I will continue to have all the hope in the world for you.
As Mic said, we're all here for you. Lean on us if you feel like things are too difficult. We'll help carry you through.
(((hugs)))
We really are all in this together, aren't we?
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how much better it feels to know I'm not alone. Truly, thank you. Thank you a million times over. It helps more than you will ever know.
I can empathize with you completely. One of the biggest reasons for my break right now, is that after failing IVF, I felt I was at the end of the road. While I was doing the IUI's, I always thought "Well...if this doesn't work, there's IVF" Now, I feel like there's nowhere else to go. Even though I will try again, I could not bear another failure without regaining my stregnth.
ReplyDeleteI pray that we all find the happiness that we so deserve!