I hope that all of you are enjoying the holidays. I've been enjoying reading posts. I haven't been home and although I could read, I've been having trouble commenting. I'm hoping to get better caught up later.
As for me, the dreaded Christmas Eve with SIL wasn't that bad. She couldn't bring her newborn, which helped. When I was done, we left. We couldn't go to my mom's on Christmas Day due to weather. That was good, since I ended up with a stomach bug and was on the couch all day.
We packed up and went to see my mom yesterday morning and got back a little bit ago. It's where I lived the majority of my life (2 hours away) until about three years ago. It was so good to see her and spend time with her. I'm always sad when I leave though and I realized something though on the way home that unnerved me a bit...my life was easier before.
When I say "before", I mean "before" when I was alone. I don't want this to sound horrible, so let me explain. I truly believe that before I met DH and moved out here, that I was only really sort of half living. I was single and solo (just my pooch and me), extremely independent and led a reasonable life.
Now that I look back, I realize that I wasn't living life to the fullest. I didn't ever have a relationship like I do with DH. I didn't ever have someone love me like he does (and vice versa) and I didn't ever have someone take care of me like he does. With the heartache though of the last year, I didn't ever hurt like this before either.
That's tough. It's tough to realize that with the super highs that I experience, the lows and the pain are so much more painful than they ever have been. I wouldn't trade "easy" for now and in fact, I really feel as though much of my life before was wasted. Gosh though, it was sure nice to never have felt the pain of this last year before.
So anyway, that's that. I made it through Christmas, just like all of you said I would. I have two days before my surgery (if AF cooperates, and that remains to be seen). I'm going to force myself into a non-TTC/non-lady parts post tomorrow if I can.
I have a bit more cleaning to do and then I'm going to get caught up for ICLW.
Kellly I know exactly what you mean by that. Nothing has ever hurt as much as this infertility thing and I know too what you mean when you grieve a simpler, and less painful life that you lived in the past. I dont think this grief discounts our love for our partners or cheapens it at all. I think it is what it is, grief.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you survived Christmas.(Hugs)Em
I'm glad you survived Christmas and I completely understand what you mean about trading in your life before for now. It's a weird trade off, but I think all of us can relate to that.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) Still hoping that AF cooperates.
Kelly, I think the feelings that you describe are totally rational, and I'm sorry that you have had so many lows this year! I hope that AF cooperates so you can have your surgery and I'm so happy to hear that you survived Christmas!!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs!
Glad you got through Christmas (but, ugh, sorry about the yucky stomach thing!) relatively unscathed. I understand what you are saying about the super highs coming with the super lows. I actually don't find that to be surprising --- I think the emotional parts of our lives work out that way more often than not.
ReplyDeleteI hope AF is cooperative for your surgery. Keep us posted! ((hugs))
Well I will tell you that I know what you are feeling and the thoughts that you are having are some of the similar thoughts that I have had myself. I wouldn't trade my life for anything with Scott because I truly believe God brought us together and that it was his will for us to be soulmates. At the same time I can remember when I was single and all I had to worry about was me and my days were not quite as emotional as they are now. With the good times being greater, the sad times have certainly become more painful. With all of this, I have done my best to give God the glory in everything, the greatest of times as well as the painful times.
ReplyDeleteIn the last three years my entire life has changed. I met Scott and moved 3 hours away from my family and friends, quit a full time teaching job as a 1st grade teacher, left behind my role of 11 years as the Christian Education director at the church that I grew up in and basically my daily lifestyle as I knew it. Has it been for the better, you bet!!!! Are there days I struggle, absolutely!!!! What I can say about all of this transition is that it has made me a stronger person and a stronger christian for it. Without God I would be no where with nothing, but because of him I have a husband that loves me more than I could have ever imagined and a life that I adore with new friends and amazing possibilities.
My prayers are with you so that all goes as needed for your surgery and everything falls into the right place at the right time.
Hugs and blessings,
Stacey
May the new year bring you peace!
ReplyDeleteICLW