Dear Husband, Meet My Blog

It's been on the tip of my tongue so many times to tell you about this and to explain, yet I haven't and I'm not sure why. You've been so supportive of me through all of this. You let me do whatever I need to do to try and heal, so it doesn't make sense that I haven't shared this with you. Well, now's the time that I do.

So this is my blog. It's where I write to try to work through what I'm feeling. Mostly it's about our losses but sometimes, other parts of me shine through too. Although in my head, I feel defined so much by what we've lost, I know that I'm about so much more than that. Blogging helps me try to get that back. I started because the message boards I used to frequent have helped. Then I met the F.A.B. Five and it helped even more . One of them has a fabulous blog (well, we all do now but her blog I remember first) and it's helped her. I thought, why not? And here I am.

Please don't think that I turn here because I need something more than you can give me. That's not true at all. In fact, it's the opposite. I feel so lost. I miss the woman that I used to be and, although you reassure me almost daily that I shouldn't be worried about this, I worry that you miss her too. I burden you with so much. You never know if I'm going to be sad or happy and try so hard to make everything just right for me that I fear it often makes you exhausted. You are the most amazing man for so many reasons, reasons that I can't even articulate. The simple word "love" doesn't even come close to doing justice how I feel about you.

I remember or wedding vows so vividly...I vowed to cherish you as my partner in life, to laugh with you and to cry with you, and to love you more each day than the day before. All of these things are true for me and I know they remain true for you also. We just didn't anticipate this. We didn't anticpate the pain and the empty arms that eat away at us. I just pray that you never see me as a failure. I pray that you know that I would give almost anything to make this all go away and to fix it all, because the only thing that makes it hurt more is to know how much it hurts you. That thought nearly kills me.

So there it is. Read this whenever you want. Or not. That's up to you. I thought though that it was time for a long, overdue introduction.

I love you with all my heart.

Oooh! I almost forgot. Everyone knows you here as either DH (dear husband) or Mr SC (short for Mr. Sweet Cheeks!)