So I'm alone tonight. Mr SC has practice and then other things to do. So now I get to blog about my issues. I sure wish that I felt like a normal person that didn't just wallow in my pathetic state.
I truly feel like no one IRL really gets it. I guess that's why I turn here. All of us are carrying around this IF burden, primarily alone. That just plain old sucks. I have my RE appointment tomorrow and I'm scared out of my mind. Scared to have to deal with it. Scared to not have any freaking clue of what I'm going to have to deal with. Scared to have more poking and prodding. Scared that something is seriously wrong with me. Well, you know, beyond the three miscarriages thing. I don't remember if I had said this at any point before...I never even had a cavity. Never broke a bone. I only got chicken pox when I was 29. My D&Es were my only experience with medical procedures and being in the hospital.
I tried to talk to Mr SC. To him, it's just a doctor's appointment and I don't have anything to worry about yet. I wish for me it were that easy.
I dont' want to deal with any of this. I don't want to wait anymore to try. I don't want to have more instruments inside me, twisting and turning to see things. I don't want to miss more work. I'm 35 years old. I just want to be a normal person who can have a healthy baby. From the three very pregnant skanky (sorry, they are...not because they're young and pregnant, just because they are) girls in the high school where I teach, I didn't think that was anything too difficult. I guess I was wrong.
Kelly, I know I can't relate to your losses but I do know what it feels like to not want to be doing this. I wish I were a normal 31 year old that could have a healthy baby without all of the poking, prodding, and doctors involved. I don't want to have surgery, I didn't want to have that horrible infusion yesterday, I don't want to wait until January to try again. You're not alone. I wish it were easy for both of us.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Thank you, R. That helped. I should have actually said that no one IRL really gets it. That's why I blogged. I just needed to hear exactly what you said. sniff sniff.
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I got what you were saying--no one IRL that I know gets it either. I just don't want you to feel alone.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of ((hugs)) from Philly
Like R said, I can't relate to your losses. But I can relate to not wanting someone (aside from my husband) poke at my lady parts anymore. I can relate to wanting to know what's wrong but being scared of the answer (or lack of). I can relate to feeling miserable and scared.
ReplyDeleteBut you are not alone. We are here with you, all of us. And even though I can't be there in person tomorrow, I'll be holding your hand in spirit.
(((hugs)))
I am so sorry that you are in such pain, Kelly. I hope that your appointment tomorrow brings you a sense of calm. I understand your anger at your high school students.
ReplyDeletePlease keep us updated on your appointment. I am so sorry you are feeling so bad.
Kelly. I am sorry and i too understand the feelings of complete irritation at another blood test, another stranger poking in your vagina, another birthday, and another person effortlessly falling pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be there more for you but I hope that this bit of a crappy comment helps. Em
Oh, Kelly, I'm so sorry. I hate that you feel so alone irl, but I'm very glad that you KNOW you are not alone completely, not when you count all the great support you have here.
ReplyDeleteLots of LOVE and (((hugs))). I hope the appointment goes well today.
i stumbled upon your blog and just wanted to say hello. i can relate to everything you've been through and still going through. hang in there! there IS a light at the end of the tunnel - i'm still searching for mine, too but we'll get there!
ReplyDeleteWow.. I was thinking of a post title the same thing this week :) (I ended up with the title Drama & Dumbasses instead). I feel the same way. My wonderful caring mother tries..really really hard...but she Doesn't get it! My Dh says the same as yours. My real life BF may not quite get but lets me cry, whine, bitch & complain and never judges me for it and never gives me stupid, shitty advice. Hoping the appointment went well. Like all the bloggers told me on my last post, take some comfort in the fact that we are all with you, all feeling the same pain and understand every tear.
ReplyDeleteI, like the others, just want to send you some ((hugs)) and say that I wish you didn't have to experience all of this b-s.
ReplyDeleteHoping your RE appt. was okay today.
Thinking of you ...
I hope your appt went well. Thinking of you.
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