I don't know if I'll ever truly be over what we've been through this year, but I'm so over being sad/mopey/depressed/cloudy/all consumed with my grief.
Something clicked in my head on Thursday when I was with my therapist. She suggested I look into anti-depressants. I took a long, hard look at myself and our current state and I didn't like what I saw. I know there are many, many things over which I have no control. However, there are things that I can control and there are many, many things that I'm blessed with. I don't want to travel down that path so I'm going to fight to regain my emotional well-being, just like I'm going to fight to find out what's wrong with me and fight to maintain a pregnancy and carry to term.
I'm not against anti-depressants and please don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone who takes them. I feel as though I "need" one of my mini- chill pills on occasion. I just realized that if I can't regain myself now, what happens when I am pregnant again? What happens when I need to cope and don't want to take pills? These thoughts made me realize that I don't need medication like my therapist suggested. If I did, I don't think that I'd be feeling this way.
So that's that. We have to take off until February. Yes, I have a great deal to deal with and a great deal to be anxious about. However, every second that I cry or lay on my couch or play entirely too many games of Bejewel.ed Blitz, it's a second of my life that I've wasted. Life is too short and too precious to do that.
I'm going to take a bit of inspiration from my friend R, who is going to be blogging about other things and changing her focus while on a "break". Thanks for the great idea!
I can honestly say we would not have continued 'trying' in the state of grief that I was in after my loss last October. Our church had a "Grief Share" class that I attended. Everyone had their own type of grief, one woman's marriage fell apart, a man's wife had died, another's daughter had cancer. However, we were united in our grief. It was truly amazing. I think it was 11 or 13 weeks, and wonderful for me. Even my doctor said he saw me 'heal' emotionally. It mgiht be something else to look into.
ReplyDeleteKelly you inspire me with your bravery and thoughtful comments almost daily.
ReplyDeleteKelly you are so brave, that is the word that came to me also. And you're such a sweetheart! I hope the break goes by fast and I'll read whatever you feel like writing about. I'll have to do the same thing as we're on a break for 6 weeks. So a few of us can "break" together. ;)
ReplyDeleteKelly--I have two thoughts about your post, hope you don't mind if I share both, seeing as how they totally contradict each other.
ReplyDelete1. I'm glad you realize that it IS okay to take meds if you need them and if they will help you live a better life. Don't ever make yourself feel guilty if this is the option you choose.
2. Having said that....I'm SO proud of you for deciding to use "mind over matter" (so to speak) and tackle this cloud over your life on your own. I only say this because I went through some REALLY difficult times a few years back (divorce-ish-related stuff) and while I know full well this we NOWHERE near what you are dealing with now, it made me have the same kind of thoughts you are having now. I knew that medicine was an option, but just like what you said, one day something just "clicked" for me and I KNEW that I had to try to push through the difficult times on my own. And it was crazy, b/c as soon as I made that decision, I started to notice a difference right away. Things were NOT EASY right away, but I felt immediately that I was moving in the right direction and I knew without a doubt that I'd get through it all.
Sorry for the mile-long reply, but you've reallly tugged at my heartstrings with this post. I think you are so brave and truly one of the strongest people I've ever known. Sending love and ((hugs))!
I am looking forward to reading some new posts from you on new topics! Another blogger did that, and I so enjoyed taking a mini-break from the ttc posts!
ReplyDeleteI think it is wonderful that you have had something click. Yes, you would know if you need meds. There have been times in my life where I knew that I definitely didn't need meds. I just knew. And there were times (like now) where I knew that I had to have them to make it through. Go with your gut. And you can always go on them later if you are not getting better.
You are healing. I can tell.
Kelly, I'm so proud of you. I know you have the will and the strength to do this. And this post really hit home for me. I'm also tired of being depressed and mopey all of the time. I think I will take a "break" with you. :)
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ReplyDeleteKelly, it sounds like you have a good plan. TTC can completely take over you life and it's good to focus on something else. But if you need some meds to make you happy then go for it! Lots of people take them and you've got a good reason to.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. I have to say though, the goal of this is to NOT be crying and I got all teary-eyed reading your replies! :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, thank you. I don't feel brave or strong (or sweet, but thanks!). I feel defeated and I don't want to feel that way anymore.
Katie...first, don't worry about the "long" post. Second, you got it and what I was trying to say with what you wrote. Thank you. :)
Came over from ProjectBaby's blog.
ReplyDeleteKnowing when you need a break is half the battle. I took a break from the RE's office this cycle and it has been so good to just breathe for a bit, regain focus and find my center.
so sorry for your losses this year. There are just no words..
I look forward to reading your "break" posts! We cannot lose ourselves and what else is happening in our lives in the midst of all this. You truly are brave and tough to come to terms like this. Thanks again for lesson learned.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong woman Kelly! I'm amazed by your strength ...
ReplyDeleteI look forward to reading all about your TTC break and I'm here for you if you ever need me.
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog and a baby lost mama myself. The emotions that you describe are so vivid to me and I am so sorry for your losses. All this grief takes its toll on a person and we all have to take our own time to navigate this twisted path.
Taking a break is a good thing...take some time for you and just be good to yourself. Rejuventae your mind and spirit. My therapist says to reward yourself with a little "goodie" when you make it over a hurdle. Here's to you in that you reward yourself with many goodies as you take time out for "you"
Visit my blog sometime if you like: www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com In the mean time, be good to yourself :) HUGS