I'm not one of those people who thinks there's necessarily a reason for "everything", but for what we've endured this year, perhaps there is.
It's actually laughable to think that the pain of our three miscarriages in seven months this year hasn't significantly changed me. This whole TTC journey has. I'm not the same woman that I was or that Mr SC married. He's not the same either. I'm thankful on a daily basis that so far, it hasn't torn us apart but has brought us closer together.
The experience of IF and miscarriage is different for a woman though, isn't it? I think because of those differences, the lessons this has taught me are different.
2009 has definitely changed the way I look at the world. It's not through slightly rose-colored glasses anymore. I always considered myself to be a non-judgemental and sensitive person, but perhaps I was kidding myself. I look at people differently, whether it's a relative, a friend, my husband or even my students.
Day after day, I would put on my best face and try to go to school and teach my high school students. I did this while I was pregnant those three times. I did this while I was paralyzed every single day that I'd be losing the baby, again. I did this every day while I was spotting and was assured, from numerous u/s, that everything was "ok" (at first). I still did a half decent job. My students didn't know what happened. Sure, they may have been able to tell that something was wrong or that I wasn't myself. There were many days that I stayed home. However, more days than not, I braved school simply because I had to.
Now I look at the student in class who doesn't seem quite themselves and wonder why. What's going on behind their eyes that no one else can see? Are they enduring pain? Is there something other than the swine flu panic at my school that was keeping them home or preventing them from doing their work?
Or the woman in the store with a pregnant belly. Most times, I'm ok with this (although sometimes I have moments of weakness). I don't know what they had to endure to get to that point. Did they experience losses, like me? Have they been TTC for years and finally, after all of the testing and treatments, did they get their miracle?
I've truly come to realize that you never really know what's going on behind the smile.
My husband usually tried to remind me of this when I tear up at the site of a pregnant woman in public. He always says "you don't know her story".
ReplyDeleteWhat a truly beautiful post. I also have to tell myself what Michelle's husband tells her.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has a story. I wish that more people would realize that. The world would be a much nicer place to live in.
Very well said. Its hard to stop and think of others and what they may have endured that we'll never know, but you are right. It's an important thing to do.
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly what I used to tell myself. You never know what other people have been through. No one will be able to look at me and know that it took 17 cycles to get pregnant or that I was on Clomid and had IUIs. The twins might give it away later on.
ReplyDeleteIF can really change people and their relationships. You've been to hell and back and it's made you a stronger person.
This is a really touching post. Infertility certainly does make one more conscious that things can be lurking under the surface. I have found a new closeness to others that have gone through hard times, even if it's not IF related. I wish you (and all of us) didn't have to go through this but hopefully it makes us better people in some ways. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteKelly... your insight and wisdom is so amazing. I find that so often when I am struggling you write a post which speaks to me. Thank you for your wisdom and your bravery.
ReplyDeleteI agree with this so much. I think it's really important to try to be objective when it comes to seeing other pregnant women, because you really never know if they've been through the same or worse than you.
ReplyDeleteICLW - Can I get up and give you a standing ovation? Your comment about each person's journey being different and we all take away different things is so, so true.
ReplyDeleteI have also found after suffering two miscarriages that you are never the same. I also find myself more attune to other's pain or if they aren't being themselves. I tend to reach out more. Infertility can have its gifts.
I am so sorry for the loss of your three babies. I wish you all the best on your continued journey.
This is a great post, Kelly. You are such a strong person. Being objective is difficult, but you are right--you never know what other women have been through.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I love this. I'm going to try and remember this during the times when IF sucks.
ReplyDeleteSo, that means you'll pretty much remember it every day, since IF always sucks? :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting and good luck tomorrow! :)
ICLW - What a great post and so true. I always see what looks like happy little families in cars as my husband and I drive alone down the road, and speculate how happy they look/probably are. My husband quickly reminds me that you never know what goes on behind closed doors and it is so true. Your post is a very good reminder to always take think before making an assumation.
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