I relapsed.
I'm writing this from my couch today. I'm staying home.
My new approach lasted all of a week. I had a really rough night last night. It started out because I was excited that I was going to be able to have surgery over my winter break from school and I didn't want to miss a string of three more days.
Then I thought...what?? I'm not even really looking forward to Christmas like I usually am. The tree, lights, etc are fine. It's those at home moments with my husband or my family that are going to be tough. I should be about to give birth, I thought. Oh yeah, or I should have a newborn. Or I should be able five months pregnant.
See how messed up it is? I don't even know what I should be upset about.
I realized I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Not really jazzed about buying gifts as I usually am. NOPE. I just want time off from work. Then I thought, shit. I have to have surgery. This is what I wanted though, isn't it?
It was all a downward spiral from there. I sobbed, again. I tried to explain to Mr SC just how tired I am of people asking me what I want for Christmas. I wish I could really tell them what I want...and this is what I would say.
Well, thanks for asking. I don't want any sort of material things. I dont' need anything. But, since you asked and seem to need an answer:
1. I want to know what the hell is wrong with my body
2. I want to have the motivation to lose weight. Yet, since I hate my body so much right now, I have no will to do something about it.
3. I want to stop bleeding midcycle, right around O time. Yes, that's right. It's almost like a light day of AF. Then it stops. That's sure great for babymaking. Oh right. We're on a break. (Gosh that sounds like Ross and Rachel)
4. Speaking of DTD, I don't want to have to use protection with my husband. I can't go back on BCP because of my clotting disorder, or I would. I said last night that I feel like two strangers that just met at a bar. Isn't not having to use those things one of the perks of being married??
5. I want to not have this be so much freaking effort. Sure, I had be clean from crying for a week. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard. It's just so much freaking work every day. (I'm not making light of addiction here, believe me. My aunt is an addict and has been clean for eight years. I know the hell she has been through)
6. But REALLY what I want is to be holding the newborn in my arms that I should have right now. I want to be doing all of that baby's first Christmas stuff.
I guess I'm going to be making that call to my doctor to look into anti-depressants after all.
Disclaimer: I know how to write properly (you know, grammar and all that stuff). Sometimes when I blog I purely write my thoughts. Since they are fragmented thoughts, they are often posted as fragments. I'm sorry if this bothers you.
Oh, Kelly. (((hugs))) I am so sorry. I wish I had the answers to some of those questions for you to help make things right, but I don't. It's okay to have bad days, though. It's okay to cry. I know you don't want to have days like today, but it's perfectly normal.
ReplyDeleteI think you should do whatever you need to (stay home from work, call your doctor) in order to help yourself feel better. And I am here to help if you need me.
Kelly, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Like Katie said, it's perfectly okay to have bad days--and you should do whatever you need to order to get through it. I support you 100%. I'm home today, too, if you need anything (even if it's just to top my Be.jeweled B.litz scores). ((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry. I want to ask those questions too! Hope that despite a really tough year you are still able to have a nice Christmas. You really deserve it.
ReplyDeleteOh and I constantly write in fragments on my blog so don't even worry about it! I figure it's the place where I can just let my mind spill out no matter the grammar!
Kelly.. my heart goes out to you..the bad days are the worst... the reason we are so proud is you just keep on working and walking towards your future (and that journey is so hard).
ReplyDeleteI hope that this Christmas in amongst the sadness there is some peace for you. I hope I hope that this journey gets less painful. Most of all I hope that there is a getting off point on this journey.
you write beautifully, fragmented or not and this is your space to write however you like so do it girl!
Kelly, Christmas or no Christmas, you come first so don't worry about all the "joy" around you. Take the time to heal and mourn. No shame in crying. No shame in sadness during the Holidays. No shame especially in just writing w/out minding grammar. :) Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Kelly. I wish I could do something. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree-your space, you write what you want. God knows I can't write for s* on my blog.
((hugs)) and love your way ... and no worries on the grammar.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kelly....I just wish I could give you a real ((HUG)) right now. Like others have said, it is absolutely OK to have bad days. You can't be a pillar every day. I just hate hate hate that you have to go through all this.
ReplyDeleteOh, and don't apologize for the way you write--it's YOUR blog! You should say WHAT you want to, HOW you want to say it! :-)
I am sorry that you relapsed. First, it is perfectly understandable that you are feeling this way. You have every reason. Second, don't feel badly about it. Third, I am so glad that you realize that you need antidepressants. I did the same thing that you did. I kept telling myself that I didn't need them. Finally, one day, I realized that I desperately needed them. And I haven't looked back. I think you just know. Knowing is a huge breakthrough, though. Zoloft is a good one to consider, as it is a common one among those ttc and pregnant. If you need anything or want to know anything, please don't hesitate to ask me!
ReplyDeleteMake sure you see a psychiatrist eventually. A primary doc can help you get the meds started, but a psychiatrist will be able to monitor you and your meds. (You probably know that, but just thought I'd say it).
I am so sorry that you are suffering. Depression is a terrible illness to have.
SO sorry you are living the Christmas nightmare...I always loved this holiday until now. My EDD was Dec. 2nd and I can't seem to stop thinking about what should have been. I should be holding a baby in my arms and not treading water to stay afloat. I dread the Christmas cards coming, shopping and all things Christmas. For me, I need to "skip" Christmas this year!
ReplyDeleteHugs and love, as I am right here with you on this one.
Andrea
www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com
Totally understand where you're coming from. And you have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. And the fact that you recognize that you may need some help doing that is great and something to be proud of. As my aunt used to say, "There's no 'S' on my chest. I'm not Superwoman!"
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Hi Kelly,
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my blog.
I am so sorry to read about all you have been through. RPL is the hardest thing in the world, and although the holidays can be a wonderful time with family and friends, they are also one of the hardest. It's okay to have bad days.
I agree with your haemotologist, you need to be on heparin or lovenox (light molecular weight heparin) with a Factor V diagnosis.
Wishing you all the best.
Andie