I've been struggling with this decision for a long time. I've talked to a few close friends about it but I'm still on the fence.
While dealing with my losses, I started seeing a therapist last summer (in between #2 and #3). I also have been on medication (on and off, long story). Blogging also helps me tremendously but I've been considering going to a support group.
There's a new Resol.ve group that meets about an hour away from me. I sometimes though don't feel like I "fit in" with others and, honestly, I'm terrified that someone there would look at me and think grr...at least you can get pregnant. I don't want to feel even worse.
There were a few pregnancy loss groups that I had found but one was over an hour away and the other is about an hour. I don't go out often on school nights (sounds funny, huh?) and, well, I've been scared. Excuses, excuses.
There's a new group meeting that's much closer for me and it meets on this Thursday night. It's going to be just me going. Mr SC is my best friend and my best support system, but that's not for him. I'm scared for several reasons.
1. The group is for those who experienced a pregnancy loss or a stillbirth. Who am I to go and talk about my losses when others may have delivered a still child? My grief in no way compares to theirs.
2. Why go and make myself upset? At therapy, sometimes I don't feel like talking and we shoot the shit about random stuff. I just feel like I've recently had stitches...why go and do something that may rip them out? Know what I mean?
Thoughts? I just don't know.
I think you should at least try it once. Especially since it's closer. The group is for those who experienced pregnancy loss or still birth. Pregnancy loss is in there. You are allowed to come. Everyone has grief and if you need support you should go for it. Where did you find this group? I wish I had one closer to me.
ReplyDeleteListen, no one's grief is the same, and yours is valid. The number of miscarriages you have had is enough to drive most of us cuckoo. I can't even imagine. Try it once and see....It's worth a shot. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeletePlease don't think that your grief doesn't compare to anyone else's, no matter what their situation. Your losses were every bit as important to you, no matter when they occurred. That being said, I agree that you should give it a try. If it's not for you, then don't go back. Go as much or as little as you want. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has experienced a m/c, blighted ovum, and a still birth...no grief is greater than any other. You lost a baby...period. Do NOT let any one (much less yourself) feel like your loss is any less. I have been going to a support group (www.childrenareagift.com) and think it is wonderful. I can't even describe how comforting it is to be in a room full of women who "get" it. I think you should give it a shot. For me it's not always a big, sad cry fest...sometimes I really leave feeling encouraged!
ReplyDeletethere is sure to be at least one other woman there like you. Go and see what its like if its not for you just don't go back.
ReplyDeletetake care
I think that you should at least try going once. I agree that it seems scary and intimidating, but maybe it will help or maybe you will meet another woman who can help you/you can help. If you end up going and don't like it, at least you know that you have given it a try.
ReplyDeleteso I am clearly biased given that I am a therapist, so please keep that in mind when you read this. I think a support group is a great idea. It may make you sad sometimes, but it may help you come to terms with things that are hard to think about. It may be worth going to give a try, you could always not go back. Best of luck to you.
ReplyDeleteI will echo what everyone else has said, if you don't go you will never know what you are missing. The group may end up being an amazing resource or not, its worth a shot to find out for yourself. It is only a hour (or so) of your life, right? As for your grief,it is within you no matter what and although this may feel like ripping off a bandaid that exposure may aid in your journey of healing. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in whatever decision you reach.
Go, go, go. I don't think anyone will judge you. Seriously. And if they do, then they suck :)
ReplyDeleteI remember going to a group last year and thinking, will they hate me - I haven't even tried IUI yet... everyone seemed to have been on multiple IVFs. But they were amazing. We're all going through grief and weird feeligns that most people don't go through and so I think we're all empathetic to each other's situations knowing they are all different too... I'm sure these women will show you compassion...
As someone who has had three miscarriages, I know where you're coming from with regard to the whole "at least you can get pregnant" thing. HOWEVER, I don't think that ANY of those women would ever trivialize your grief or make you feel that you had experienced a less difficult loss than their own. One miscarriage can be just statistics, as much as it sucks. Four miscarriages are NOT just bad luck. Your grief is valid and real. (That's not to say that people shouldn't grieve over one miscarriage, just that there may be no medical reason for it.)
ReplyDeleteIf you feel that the group may be helpful, don't let your fear of being judged keep you away.
I can understand your thoughts, but if I were you I would try one time and see what you think! And if you do not feel comfortable, you do not have to go back! I do not think anyone will downplay your losses as a support group is for support, friendship, and more support!!
ReplyDeleteI think that the consensus is true...going to the support group can be helpful and healing. I think it's awesome that you are in a "place" (emotionally and physically) that you can seek that out. Be good to yourself. This is one way of doing that.
ReplyDeleteI just read recently...do you know what the most difficult grief is? You might think it's a stilborn child or maybe infant loss or whatever else. But really, the most difficult grief is your own grief. Loss sucks. Support is for those who seek support.
Like everyone else says, I would give it a go. It might be the best thing you ever did. I kind of wish there was a support group round here, but there isn't - the nearest one is just too far away to be worth it. Go, give it a chance - tell them what's happened to you. Hopefully they will be supportive and look after you.
ReplyDeleteBut if you go and don't feel comfortable, you don't ever need to go again, do you?
I would say try it. It may be wonderful or it may suck. At least you'll know one way or another.
ReplyDeleteAs for your point (1) no ones grief is greater than anothers. As someone who has lost a baby at 37 weeks - I can tell you that I know that recurrent pregnancy loss at any gestation is devastating and I would not see my pain as greater than yours.
Give it a go - the worst that can happen is you leave and never go back.
I agree with the other ladies who have said that losses are all LOSSES, and they're so very hard to quantify and compare.
ReplyDeleteI say go but only if, in the moment you get into your car, you really feel like giving it a shot. It may give you solace.
You know my feeling about this. Going to a support group was the best thing I've ever done. I felt the same way before I went, but I'm so glad I did. Your story may be different from the stories of other women, but that doesn't make your story any more or less important. I promise.
ReplyDeletexo
I think everyones grief is unique. I found that going to a "Griefshare" group at our local church helped me the most. It was amazing, becuase we all grieved different things (wife lost to cancer, daughter with a life ended illness, loss of a marriage, and me with my miscarrages). Though every story was different, at some point, we all felt the same things, and since no one else was dealing with the same type of grief as me, I didn't feel like I was being 'stacked up' aginst the others in the class. Just an idea. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI definitely think you should go! Just check it out - I think it will be very good for you. And I echo other posters - your grief isn't less or worse than others. It's yours, and deserves everything you can give it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else -- I think you should go and at least try it one time. You may like it a lot more than you think. And if you don't, well then at least you'll know and you can make the decision about future meetings.
ReplyDeleteGOOD LUCK and ((big hugs))
I really hate it when people say crap like, "At least you can get pregnant." That means NOTHING if it never ends in a baby. I just want to smack those people. It makes me even madder when it is an infertile saying it. They of all people should know better than to say something so stupid and useless.
ReplyDeleteAs for comparing your grief, no one can do that. We all have our hurdles in life, and while they may seem trivial compared to other people's, they are still your hurdles, and you still have to deal with them. If you don't feel like you are ready for this support group just yet, then wait another week and see how you feel. Go with your gut, it won't lead you astray.
I say go to it, at least once. Sometimes it's good to be able to talk about it, out loud, with other people who have been there. And the stillbirth versus miscarriage... a loss is a loss. My sister's first baby was stillborn, and we still talked about how hard my losses and experience are- she could only imagine how hard it is for me, and I could only imagine for her- but pain is pain.
ReplyDeleteGo, just once. See if it's right for you, and if it's not you can choose not to go again. (*hugs*)
I would go and see what you see. You don't have to talk or even put your thoughts in - just see how the vibe feels and if you feel like this might be a safe place to lay down your feelings.
ReplyDeleteA loss is a loss and to feel you don't "deserve" to talk about losing your child because you didn't give birth isn't fair to you. I'm sure there are a lot of people there who will grieve your loss right along with you.
Best of luck.
ICLW #106
It's funny how we all look at others and think our grief could never compare to theirs. You think that women (like me) who can't get pregnant will resent you for being able to, and I look at you and think my struggles could never compare to what it would be like to have multiple miscarriages. But we're all dealing with major loss, so don't let that be the reason you don't go. You do, however, need to figure out if talking about it with others will help or hurt you. It seems like it usually helps people, but I understand what you mean about ripping the stitches out.
ReplyDelete