I'm struggling with things (for obvious reasons) but I feel like all my posts are all "woe is me". Frankly, I'm tired of feeling this way. Life isn't fair. Often, it downright sucks. However, I'm tired of wallowing in self-pity. So this is it. I'm going to do my best to be more positive and hold myself up, even when I don't feel like it.
I'm not sure how much of this is me having an epiphany or how much of it is me being numb to all of this. I hope that my way of coping isn't just to turn it all off, but only time will tell.
I have one last thing to share and then I'm officially packing up all the balloons for the party.
I remember last year at this time so vividly. Last year on Mother's Day, I was pregnant. I was just six weeks, but I was still pregnant. Ironic that I'm now pregnant again with another non-viable pregnancy, but I digress. I had gone shopping and came home to two beautiful lilies on my front porch. When I asked DH what they were for, he told me that he got them for me for Mother's Day. I still haven't decided if I'm going to keep them or not. I planted them and they keep growing in my garden, much unlike the little bean that stopped growing inside me weeks ago.
Last year, one of my very dear friends had just found out she was pregnant. I'm not sure if she even remembers this or not. She said to me that this was the best Mother's Day ever. My reply? No, I think that next year will be the best ever. If I only knew the heartbreak that was in store for me.
Oh honey, throw as many pity parties as you need to. This is your blog! My blog is my own large pity party. I am so very sorry for everything you are going through. Big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Maureen - if there is anywhere to throw a giant pity party, it is right here!!! We understand, and know it's ok to feel the pain you have right now. Sending some good thoughts to you today...
ReplyDeleteI do not think you sound "woe is me." It f*ing sucks what happened, and the fact is it isn't over yet, so of course it continues to f*ing suck and make it hard to move on. Do what you need to do. Take every day as it comes and do what you can handle.
ReplyDeleteMother's day is definitely a hard time. Many hugs to you. I have my own painful memories from last May. I remember hoping I'd be pregnant again by now, but it was not to be.
Thinking of you. If we were a county or two closer, I'd come bring you a Cinco de Mayo margarita a day late. :)
I'm another vote in the same direction. I think that you are entitled to feel as down as you need to for as long as you need to. You've had an extremely rough time. To just get your mind around it all is a tall order.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm so sorry that you are not in that better place this Mother's Day, because you deserved to be. Keep the lilies. One day you will have a little one who will go exploring in that garden, and you can teach him/her all the names of the flowers, including 'lily'. Hugs to you.
Kelly, you don't need to shut down your pity party. You are going through hell and should vent/complain/rant all you want.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this Mother's Day is going to be so painful for you. Please remember you are one of my best friends and I am always here for you. *HUGS*
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI do remember and I am so sorry. I hate that this is the memory that you are dealing with right now. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, either.
I've been staring at this computer screen for about 10 minutes now, debating about whether or not to say this next thing. But, I'm going to....
Kelly, in my eyes, you ARE a mother. Just because your babies are angel babies, doesn't make you any less their mother. I don't know why all of this is happening to you and I can't imagine how painful it is. But my faith tells me that you WILL know your sweet, lost babies one day. I know that doesn't make the present suffering any easier...but I believe that they will know their mother in the end.
I'll never stop praying for you. LOVE YOU!
Dang it! I just found the perfect outfit for our group pity party!! Shoes, jewelry, empty uterus and all!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am proud that you are already talking about focusing on the positive. You are an amazing woman!
You do NOT need to pack up your pity party. No way. It's your party and you can cry if you want to! In fact, I was ready to bring over a bottle of wine (or tequila in belated honor of Cinco de Mayo) to your party. Seriously, though, don't bottle up your emotions. If you are still feeling emotional, THAT'S OKAY. It's normal. And we are all here to listen. Please remember that, okay? Focusing on the positive is good, but denying the grief you are still dealing with isn't good.
ReplyDeleteCall or text or e-mail anytime. Love you. xo
I know what you're saying about feeling like it's "woe is me" but let it out, deal with it as it comes, and be happy when you can. I understand the ups and downs though, going through grief, going through numbness, the anger, the desire to be okay. Focus on the positive, but let the grief come and let it out as it goes. Mother's day is extremely hard all on it's own- take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI like what Katie, said, "It's your party and you can cry if you want to." But I also understand that you want to move on and move up! I can understand that you want to think/feel/breathe/eat something else besides loss for a change. I guess you just have to ride the waves of the ups and downs, and hang on! =)
ReplyDeleteNot that you want to think about it...but did you decide about the Cytotec? any bleeding yet? I'm 1 month post-cytotec and still spotting. weird.
Hey Kelly,
ReplyDeleteAll the other commenters have much wittier things to say than me tonight-this is just before bed-but I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you. The fact that you haven't miscarried is so unbelievably crap. I'm sorry you have the nightmare of deciding what to do next ahead of you. Wishing you strength and peace during this difficult time.
My heart is breaking right along side you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you again. I wish there was something I could do for you... please know you're in my thoughts today and will be on Sunday as well.
ReplyDeleteI say the best place for a pity party is right here on your blog. You have a whole support of women who will listen and support you in good times and bad. You're in my thoughts and just as others have said you are incredibly strong!
ReplyDeleteIt does not appear like you are hung on Woe-is-me. Your blog is a chronicle of the life that you are living, and I am not sure if it is all lavendar right now. So, do not worry about what others would feel about your current emotion.
ReplyDeleteI pray that next Mother's Day may dawn better for you.
Good Luck!
Grief is real, and you are entitled to experience it. I wish that more people recognized that pregnancy loss IS loss ... we allow ourselves time to grieve the living that we have known; it's unreasonable to think that we wouldn't grieve a life that had started to grow so close to our own beating hearts. *hug* to you ...
ReplyDeleteI've decided we all need to celebrate today. We ARE mothers... I'm sorry this is an especially hard time for you. We're all here for you giving you big (((hugs)))...
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad the medicine worked and you didn't have to have the procedure done. You are definitely not a whiner, and a few pity parties is always helpful IMO. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment on my blog while you're going through this. You are definitely a better person than me. It really opened my eyes to how selfish I can be sometimes and how I can learn so much from other people. I hate the bitter thoughts that infertility brings, and I hope one day I can be as selfless as you.
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