This question hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. I keep saying to Mr SC that all I want to feel is "normal" again. That extends to my body, too.
I tried to think back to a time when I wasn't recovering from surgery, or recovering from miscarriage (or pregnant, even for a short time, for that matter), or taking hormones, or injections, or whatever.
My answer? February of 2009. There were two weeks in August of 2009 when I can say the same, but since I was dealing with scar tissue (which I didn't know about at the time, and the symptoms it presents), I'm not sure if that counts. I was bloated and was bleeding on and off oddly, but I didn't know why.
Since February of 2009, I've gained 15ish pounds (which I really didn't need) and have pretty much forced my body to surrender to my mental state (meaning frustration, depression, anxiety, etc.).
I know it's going to take a long time and I know it's going to take a ton of work. I also know I'm going to have bad days (yesterday I had a freakout) but I want to get back to myself physically. I'm still dealing with recovering physically from the miscarriage and I still have hcg in me, but I want to remember what my body felt like before it got all fucked up.
I can't be alone in feeling this way, which is why I posted it. I can talk to hubs but he doesn't really understand. He's never had to deal with this physical stuff. So, I'm talking the talk...let's see if I can walk the walk.
Remind me of this when my due date from my third loss comes up on Thursday (5/20), ok?
The weather here this weekend has been beautiful. I'm going to get back outside and enjoy it (after I enjoy my coffee).
Ugh, I totally get this. The last time my body fet normal (No meds, surgery, pregnancy, or d&e) was early August 2009!!! Not ok. Presently, I am on weight watchers and trying to lose 10 lbs b/c I miss my old clothes (they were really cute). I wish you good luck getting back on track!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're feeling this and interesting because I was just thinking about it this morning - the weight gain and how that just crept on and the sadness and frustration I've felt over the 2+ years... I completely get it. It's so hard. And not sure what to tell you other than I understand. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteKelly, I totally get where you're coming from here. I think it's been over a year since my body felt normal and unstressed hormonally. Right now, it's probably the worst it's ever been - I've been bleeding for 4 weeks now, the methotrexate is some pretty nasty stuff, and I think my body is in general so freaking confused. And who knows what the state of my fallopian tube is in after this ectopic.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm release from all these restrictions and my body is back to normal, I'm planning to start taking some steps to get back in shape (running, yoga, etc) and just feeling strong physically and mentally. That's my goal for this summer - I think we'll be taking quite a bit of time off from any treatments (Nov at the earliest)..so we can keep each other in check.
I'll be thinking of you this Thursday and sending you lots of hugs, love and strength.
<3
(And thank you for the card, so sweet)
I especially felt that way in between my third miscarriage and this pregnancy. And although I'm thrilled to (hopefully) be taking home a baby in July, I am SO ready to no longer be trying to conceive, pregnant, miscarrying, or waiting to try to conceive. As of June, it will have been two full years that I will have been involved in one of those activities. I want my body back.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you've had to go through so much, and that your husband can't really understand. (Mine either.)
Will be thinking of you on the 20th.
This has been on my mind recently as well. After 21 years on birth control for medical reasons, went off so we could start TTC in January 2009. That is my last memory of "normal".
ReplyDeleteI have since gained 14 pounds and have no energy to do anything about it. I had to stop my allergy meds (steroidal) before TTC, so I've been stuffy and sneezy since October 2008. AAAAAnd I've had mild cramping almost every day since my first round of Clomid in December 2009.
This is my new "normal", but this is also only temporary. I know that whatever the outcome of this process, time always brings change. And another new "normal".
The trick is learning to roll with it, and be comfortable wherever you are.
I totally get this.
ReplyDeleteI wish, this incredibly sucky journey would not have taken everything from me what I have left for hope and for a 'normal' life. Getting through this storm is incredibly hard. I surely hope it will stand true what everybody keeps saying to me, that in a way it will make me stronger.
I am thinking about you a lot. Your journey has been one of the toughest. I admire you for managing through all what you have had to endure.
I wish, I could provide you with more comfort than just listening and understanding.
As for the boys, I have long concluded that given the complexity of this condition (being out of it physically, hormonally, emotionally, socially) boys would never, ever be able to understand what we may be going through.
Yesterday, I had couple of little melt-downs while we were running our chores, and he could not comprehend why I was so incredibly sad. Well, there is simply no way to make him feel how I feel or to explain.
I am praying and hoping we will get through this, and that the sun will come up, and very soon!
Much love your ways.
I just wanted to offer ((hugs)) your way.
ReplyDeleteI haven't felt normal since August 2009. I really miss feeling normal :(
ReplyDeleteWill be thinking of you on the 20th.
Hugs.
Oh, I can relate to this post more than ever, at the moment.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I am so terribly sorry about your recent mc. BIG ((((hugs))))!
I have had two surgeries in the last 6 weeks and I am feeling very odd. I have never being pg so I can only imagine what it must be like. Retaining fluid from surgery and naseau can clue me in somewhat. But mentally things are different too. I can't say much to make you feel better except that you are not alone. There are many of us who are there for you on this crappy journey. I hope you get some answers soon & a sticky bean.
Oh, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You really do need to be able to take care of your body and feel good about yourself! I gained 15ish pounds too since we started TTC 2 years ago. Then in mid-January, I joined Weight Watchers at Work and am down 14 pounds, which is 2 pant sizes for me! It feels wonderful to be back down to this size and it really didn't take long at all. I should blog about that.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you on Thursday!
HUGS!
I am not sure the answer to this question either. I definitely felt different before IVFs and Miscarriages. But, IUI's interfered too. So, my guess is the 2 years after we got married. So... 2005? That was too long ago!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for all the weight loss. :( I hope you have a great week.
You're definitely not alone. My answer: a long time. And I kind of yearn for that period, before. Also, the way I just didn't pay that much attention to how my body was feeling (as opposed to being obsessed with its every ping and pang).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that yesterday was a tough day. I think concentrating on healing yourself physically - really paying attention to your body and its needs - is such a good idea. Our poor bodies. They have been through an awful lot.
November 2006....I do not even know what normal is anymore
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't remember- maybe June 2007, before I started to realize that something was wrong. After that it was miscarriage, fertility treatments, testing, miscarriages, treatments, surgeries, etc... It's been a long 3 years.
ReplyDelete(*hugs*) I don't really know what normal is anymore either.
I will be thinking of you on the 20th, and following you beyond that. Hang in there.
I can't remember the last time I felt normal either, or didn't think about TTC. I wish I could go back to before we were married, when I was all full of hope, thinking I might even get pg on our honeymoon!
ReplyDeleteIgnorance is bliss!
I hope you get back to feeling like yourself soon! (((HUGS)))