I'm not sure why I felt so barely pieced together today. I often feel like I'm doing pretty well. That is, until I'm not. I feel like I'm a broken plate that someone tried to glue back together and any small thing can cause the plate to recrack all over again.
Some random shit happened that isn't even worth mentioning. No big deal. I'm going to be honest here though...it's tough for me to read pregnancy blogs/posts right now. I feel like my life has frozen since we went through the hell of a month ago. The whole early u/s and then being told it wasn't viable and then seeing a HB. It's tough to read the results about betas and about u/s. I'm not jealous and it's not that I'm not happy for people...it just, well, makes me remember (while I'm trying so hard to deal).
Mr SC worked late today and called me on his way home. He sounded a bit off, but I figured it was from the long day in no AC. I made dinner and had it ready when he got home. I asked how his day was. His reply? It sucked.
When I asked why, he explained that first he told his friend at work about our most recent m/c (gosh, that sounds so horrible). Mr. SC had been out of work for over a year, started a new job in February but went back to his old job last week. He doesn't talk much about things, so I knew it bothered him to talk about things with someone. We both commented then on how much we hate that twisted look on people's faces when they hear about all of this crap.
Then he said...yeah, and this guy that just started back today had to leave after only being there for four hours. That was it. I asked why, and Mr SC said, "because of his wife". I said oh, is she ok. I couldn't figure out why he was upset. Mr SC replied...she went into labor.
Of all of my protestations to Mr SC about letting me see his feelings and talking to me, blah blah blah, I proved him right. I lost it. This is the first time that he's shared with me that something's bothered him (other than the losses themselves) and I just turned into a bawling idiot. I felt so horrible.
I know that it's fine but he tries to be my rock but he keeps everything in. I practically beg him not to and tell him that I can handle it.
Clearly I can't. Can someone just please tell me when the hurting is going to stop?
Kelly I really wish I had a good answer for you. You've endured so much heartache, and I'm so sorry for that.
ReplyDeleteBtw, I think it's TOTALLY fair for you not to visit newly pg blogs. So you'll be totally safe with mine, lol.
I'm sorry today was so brutal.
None of this is fair, and a couple can only be expected to hold it together so much - sorry you guys had such a rough day.
ReplyDeleteCount my blog as another safe, pregnancy-free zone. :-)
Love,
Maddy
I am so sorry! I am not sure that the hurt ever stops...but they keep telling me it gets easier! I will let you know!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh Kelly, I'm so sorry! =( That has to be so hard, I can't even imagine. And also seeing how it affects Mr SC and what happened to him today, I would have lost it too. It's almost harder to see your husband upset and hurting. I can see why you broke down, I would have broken down if I were in your shoes. I'm really sorry. I hope tomorrow is a much much better day for both of you!
ReplyDeleteAnd count my blog as a safe zone too, lol. Although I need to get off my a$$ and write something! ;)
I'm sorry today sucked for the both of you. I'm sure he doesn't think any less of you though for crying. Things are just not fair.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry, my heart continues to break for you. I have been in your spot with your husband. begging him to talk to me and then falling into a puddle of tears 5 min later. I know he understands, but it all just sucks.
ReplyDeleteI am sending love you way....
Kelly, I'm so sorry. How you're feeling...I kind of wonder how you'd be able to feel any other way. You've been through hell, and it's a hell compounded by each of the losses. I've lost it like that with my husband, as well, when he's shared something because he needed (finally) to talk, and then felt horribly about it. Hugs to you. I'm not sure it ever stops hurting.
ReplyDelete*hugs* That whole situation SUCKS! I don't even know what else to say. It just SUCKS!
ReplyDeleteoh darln'... I'm so sorry, and I don't know when it goes away. My 7th loss was February, some days I'm ok, some days I still collapse in grief. However, it gets better and better, slowly.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about not wanting to look at pregnancy blogs. I'm right there beside you.....my blog is pregnancy free for awhile now.....after my recent loss last week I can't imagine the thought of trying again anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are hurting and I wish there was something I could say to make it all better.
My hubby broke down last week too and it was really the first time I saw how hurt he was.
I'm sending big ((HUGS)) to you and your hubby!
(*hugs*) I wish that grief came with a manual and a time table so you knew when the worse would be over. Although time doesn't heal things, it does get easier with time. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI totally get you about the pregnancy blogs, I've had times when I've had to step away from them myself. It's perfectly understandable.
I love your analogy of the broken plate. I'm right there with you....I feel fine a lot of the time but the smallest, most insignificant things can break me so quickly.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm with you on the pregnancy blogs and you're right it's not jealousy - it's just that it's a reminder of what could have been and what isn't and how it all went so wrong and the pain and the floodgates open again.
Big hugs to you and your hubby. I hope tomorrow is much better.
I am so sorry. I don't know if the grief will ever end. I have heard that it does with time. I don't know though. I think that time does help to heal. I think back upon the shit of my life, and time has helped to heal, although the wounds are still there. They just aren't as raw as they used to be. With my parents divorce (which is not miscarriage of course) it took years and years to heal. But the wound closed up a bit.
ReplyDeleteIt is so understandable for you to not go to pregnancy blogs right now. I'm not going to pregnancy blogs right now, and I stopped when things started going downhill 10 weeks ago. I apologized for it on my blog, and I stopped following most of them, although I have their names written down so that I can start following them again later. I miss them. And I have to say that they have all been SO kind. They still leave comments on my blog and let me know that they are thinking about me. I can't wait until I can start following their stories again. I will do it when I am ready, and I think that is what you should do. You are such a kind person and I am sure that everyone will understand.
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. It's just not fair. Not at all.
I am so sorry you're going through all of this. I can relate on so many levels. Our husbands, they can't fix what's happened to us, but they can try to protect us - at least that's what mine does.
ReplyDeleteI have no words for you, only (((hugs)))!!!! Your feelings are normal after the hell you've been through! I don't follow many pregnancy blogs either because it's hard for me to think that this is where I'd be if I didn't miscarry, or if one of my damn IVF's had worked. Thinking of you & hoping the hurt at least becomes bearable soon!
ReplyDeleteI think it's honestly OK not to go on blogs of people who are pregnant right now.
ReplyDeleteI mostly can't deal with pregnant people or people with living children. There are a couple of exceptions but I have decided to stop torturing myself.
People will understand.
And your husband... don't beat yourself up for that. I'm sure he understands. Just keep encouraging him to talk to you... sooner or later you'll be able to be his rock once more. Promise.
I'm so sorry you had such a sucky day, Kelly. I want so much for things to get better for you and Mr SC.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand if you can't visit my blog very often. Heck, it was hard for me to read pg blogs and I had never been through a fraction of the hell you've survived. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself.
Love you, Kelly. (((hugs)))
I would love to tell you that it will stop. Unfortunately for me, the hurt has never stopped. I think I have just been able to deal with the pain better. I am not sure this is what you want to hear, but I do not want to lie either.
ReplyDeleteThough IF has brought me to my worst and I would never wish it on my worst enemy...I do feel I am a better person from it. I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit.
I see this in you too. We have never met, but getting to know you through your posts I can tell you are a fighter. You have been through so much yet you keep going. I admire you.
I don't know. I don't know when the hurting will stop. Or when things will become fair again. Some days, it feels like that may never happen. I am so sorry: that you are hurting, that Mr. SC is hurting, and that things feel like a broken record. It sucks. It royally fucking sucks and I just wish that I had a giant glue stick to piece things together again for you.
ReplyDeleteI love you and I am here if you need me.
xo
I don't have anything insightful to say, just that I'm so sorry. It sucks and there is no way around it.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely right about there being good day and bad days. I hope soon there are more good ones than bad ones. Thinking of you.
My friend went through several losses and she said the pain didn't stop, even when she had a child, it just got easier to deal with. Things are still so fresh for you, it's no wonder. Your losses are signfificant and there have been so many. I agree, it's hard to hear about other people's pregnancies. I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am here with you, I am here for you. Know you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteI hope you start to feel better soon, those bad days just plain suck, and hurt incredibly.
Sending you much love!!!
I just wanted to pop in and say thanks for stopping by my blog. I have to say that while the pain doesn't go away entirely, it does get more distant at times. My thoughts are with you and am sending you peaceful wishes.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about the hard day. I hate how it can be something so small that sets everything off, and then to have that happen with your husband's coworker...it just makes it worse.
ReplyDeleteI think it is totally understandable for you to stay away from pg blogs... I don't blame you at all.
Sending you big hugs!
Oh, I'm so sorry. I've completely melted into tears the couple times my husband has shared something with me. I don't think it was because I couldn't handle it, but it was that I finally got a glimpse of how he hurts too and to see someone you love hurt ...
ReplyDeleteHugs! Hoping the rest of this week is going better and that you and your husband are able to draw support from each other.
Oh Kelly, I am so very sorry. Repeat pregnancy loss just screws with your mind majorly. Lots of love, {{{hugs}}}, and prayers coming your way.
ReplyDelete~ICLW#25
i am so sorry Kelly... i'm thinking of you and sending you hugs. i'm really sorry... this is all so fucking hard.
ReplyDeleteOh Honey, I'm so sorry. I know my breaking point is seeing the strong person in my life break down and admit actual feelings so I completely understand why you got so upset. There are no magical answers that I can share with you on how to deal with all of this. The most recent events in your life have been so trying on you and your DH and it's just not fair. I hope that time will help to bring you some peace. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) So sorry.
ReplyDeleteICLW
Kelly - I continue to think of you all the time and lift you up in prayers. You are constantly on my heart.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting how husbands share, huh? We miscarried (again) this week and it was interesting to hear my husband talk about how he told his colleague. I sometimes think they downplay it when they should really just get it all out. Well, anyway, I'm sorry that Mr SC's co-worker situation brought it all back on for you this week...
I continue to send you (((hugs)))
Sending you big hugs. I don't think it ever gets easier. Its just always there. I'll be praying for you and MR SC though.
ReplyDeleteICLW
Kelly, I'm so, so sorry. I come to your blog every day and though I may not always comment, I truly am always thinking of you. I have been where you are, and it SUCKS, and it's not fair, and there's no magic answer for when the hurt is going to go away. Truthfully, it will probably always be there in some form. It'll get easier, though. It will. And whether you believe it or not, you are a strong, amazing woman, and you will get through this. I promise you will. (You're probably rolling your eyes at me, and that's ok. Ha ha ha!)
ReplyDeleteSending you and Mr SC SO much love and many prayers.
Kelly - I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I apologize for not emailing you back yet. I do have your email and plan on emailing you back this weekend. I hope your week went better and things will get better. I still can't read pregnancy blogs. It makes my heart hurt and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to deal with them. I hope you have a peaceful and relaxing weekend.
ReplyDeleteSweetie I am so sorry. This whole situation is still to near and dear to your heart to be hearing news like this and to not take it any other way. It IS hard, and it will be for a while. Let yourself cry. Let yourself mourn your loss. The only way to get past it is to feel it as it comes. Don't supress it. Don't feel bad about it either. Anyone in your shoes would feel this way.
ReplyDeleteIt really is hard to see these things affect our husbands, isn't it? Mine hides his feelings very well too, so when he DOES say something, it is hard to swallow. It almost makes you wish they talked about it more, so that it would hurt less when they did.
I am sending you all my love and hugs.