And I was doing so well...
A little background. I have a class of seniors now (it's a semester class, so I've only had them for about a week and a half) and THREE of the girls are moms. Two of these moms are actually at home now because they just gave birth a few weeks ago. That leaves one right now in my class. She's a nice girl. You may be thinking, how nice can she be? She had a child at 17? Well honestly, how many of us were having sex at 17? I sure as hell was a bit more responsible about it but anyway, I digress.
It started off innocently enough. Another colleague/friend was in the room with me for that class to help me launch a project. The mom came up to me before class started and asked if she could go out to her car. Why? Because she forgot her breast pump. I told her to check in with the office, but sure.
I then turned to my friend and said...how am I supposed to do this every day? I have three girls in here who are moms and I can't have a baby. I lost it.
I went down to talk to my principal to ask to go home and just sobbed. I am just so mad at myself. I try so hard everyday but being a teacher makes it tough. I'm in front of kids constantly. I can't just hide or go to another area or whatever if I'm upset. I can't just sulk off to myself. They all see me. I just can't believe I lost it. My principal was so understanding and reassuring about me, my job, etc. But still.
So now I'm at home. I hate the person that I've become.
Oh, Kelly. (((hugs))) I am so sorry. I can't imagine trying to sit in that room and teach with what you have to see and what you've been through. No one can blame you for breaking down. Any of us would have reacted the same way. It's perfectly normal.
ReplyDeleteTake some time for yourself today. And let me know if you need anything.
((hugs)). I'm having a rough day too.
ReplyDeleteKelly - I'm so sorry.. that really sucks.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok, we have all done it and will do it again. Take a nice nap, have a good lunch -- I'm sorry it sucks so bad right now.
Giant (((HUGS))), Kelly! I am so sorry you had such a hard day at work. And don't hate yourself for being sad and hurt sometimes. IF is one of the hardest things we have to cope with. It's a darn energy sucker and it's very draining emotionally. I am sure you will feel better soon, it's good you got the rest of the day off. I am glad your principal was so understanding and supportive.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the teen pregnancies, I look at them like the stories I never wanted to live myself. I would want a strong, a stabile, a loving family for my children. That's their base for a happy life. I wouldn't have been able to provide that when I was 17. And I am almost sure family was not the choice of these teens, either. And if not, it's rather sad that it happened to most them, actually. I know, there are always exceptions, and I am not to judge. But that is how I see it.
I'm sorry that your day has started out like this. It does suck. Somedays I wish we could just turn our brains off so we don't have to think about this IF shit. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh Kelly, I'm so sorry. Being a teacher and having to be there and with it 100% when you're at work, esp when there are girls there that are mothers on accident would be so incredibly hard. If this is the first time this has happened, I have to say you're a badass. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take today to be good to yourself, you deserve it. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry:( You're right about teaching: under the best of circumstances it's like doing a circus act, all eyes on you at every moment. And when things are rough...well, that awful spotlight is smack in your face. My students are slightly older but it's always such a tough thing when one is pregnant or recently had a baby. Cut to frozen smile, wooden voice, going through the motions. Please don't beat yourself up. This is a reaction to repeated trauma and grief. How could you react otherwise? Sending you a big hug and hoping you're taking care of yourself today.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Kelly. I was teaching high school when I had my first two losses (and also three deaths in the family!) and it was really rough, especially seeing/dealing with the pregnant girls. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeletePlease, please go easy on yourself. As the other commenters have said, your reaction is normal. Healthy, even, that you can express it to your friend and principal, and that you know when you just need to check out for a while.
Hoping things get better for you soon.
I'm so sorry, Kelly. What a rotten day. Take it easy today and take care of yourself. One person can only take so much. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh, hon I'm so sorry...IF is such an intense ride even the strongest of us can't help but be overcome by our emotions at times, we are after all human.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar situation at work Tuesday, I'm a social worker a hospital & that day we received our first fertilization report, it was very disappointing. Then an hour later a woman walks in who is 40wks pregnant with NO prenatal care & who has already had her other 5 children removed from her care! What a freaking slap in the face, I had to excuse myself from the room & have someone else work with her. I just could feel absolutely no compassion for her. IF freaking sucks!
Oh, I'm so sorry. What a terrible day. What a horrible thing to have to deal with all the time. I can't even imagine. Three in one class? Wow. That would just kill me. Giant (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so sorry you are having this day! But everyone is right-- your reaction is totally normal. I'm glad your boss is so understanding! Take it easy today--watch some trashy tv and have some ice cream!
ReplyDeleteOh that's brutal. I'm so sorry you had such a rough day. And it isn't just you, I think anyone of us IFer's would have done the same. So, you had a low point - it happens to all of us. It's probably best that you went home, cause now you can shake it off, right?
ReplyDeleteHang in there, if IF has taught me anything it's that we can handle much more than we think.
Hugs.
Oh Kelly, I'm so sorry!!!! I wouldn't have the stregnth either, so don't blame yourself. I'm glad that you have an understanding boss, & could take the time that you need. Have a giant glass of wine! I give you a lot of credit for being able to work with children of any age.
ReplyDeletegiant (((HUGS))) & much love to you today!!!!
I am so sorry! I can't imagine how difficult that has to be. I'm glad your principal is understanding and I hope you are able to just have an enjoyable and relaxing day. Drink a huge glass of wine and try to take your mind off of things. I hope tomorrow is better.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I don't know if it ever gets easier, but I hope it does... somehow!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be able to handle that either. I'd be like "Let me adopt your baby!!" Which would probably be inappropriate... I'm sorry and I hope you have a restful night.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I'm sorry. That sounds really hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Kelly! Don't be too hard on yourself, you've gone through a lot and if you need time every now and then take it. And that is such a tough situation, it would make any one of us upset. I'm praying for you and hoping you feel better real soon. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh, Kelly, you poor thing! I can't imagine facing a bunch of high school students every day, let alone pregnant ones who have to go get their breast pump from their car! Have you thought of teaching at an all boys' school?
ReplyDeleteSeriously, my friend, you are allowed to be sad and have bad days and be angry and not be able to cope - this whole IF business is absolutely unfair and cruel and it is so so difficult to understand the why of it. But this too shall pass - it will, and you will be able to find the strength to go on - February 24th is approaching and you will start again and we will all be here, supporting you and cheering you on and hoping you get everything you dream of! Hang in there. ((Hugs))
Love,
Maddy
Oh Kelly! I am so sorry! I worked at a high school for the past couple of years and I remember how incredibly difficult it was to see a pregnant teenager. I, however, never had to deal with it one on one. I think your meltdown was justifiable. You are absolutely entitled to be as upset as you need to be. Huge (((((HUGS))))))!
ReplyDeleteThat sounds horrible! I cannot imagine having three girls in my class who are pregnant or had babies. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that today!
ReplyDeleteKelly - I'm so sorry to hear that. I had to deal with a "miscarriage" today from a 16 year old student on my special ed caseload. I say "miscarriage" because I'm 99% sure she was never even pregnant. Then I have a 18 year old MR student who may or may not be a baby daddy in May. Depends on the blood test result. I say there is special place in heaven for teachers and even more of a special place for teachers who are infertile and deal with pregnant teenagers. I am glad your principal is understanding and I am hoping you can get through the next couple weeks of classes very quickly.
ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeleteI too hate what has become of my life...my normal, old, non-eventful life is full of potholes! And it sucks to feel as if you are reduced to meltdowns in places that were once SAFE. It's not fair, none of it! As my Dr said, those who want and deserve children struggle while those who don't need children have 5! Forgot my breast pump...give me a break! That would have sent me into meltdown mode as well...so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I've had those mini breakdowns too.
Hang in there and know that "it happens"
HUGS
Don't beat yourself up! We all have our days. I would have been a mess too! ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh Shit Kelly. (((hugs)))) and I'm SO SO sorry that you have to live this hell. I'm with the other posters in the "don't beat yourself up" camp. This is NOT your fault and you can't assign blame. You're allowed to have breakdowns to save your sanity but you are a good person and you deserve happiness and love.
ReplyDeleteDealing with a 17 yr. old who needs her breastpump is just more than you should have to endure right now. I wish I could hug you real tight and let you cry. I'm so so sorry Kelly. I am. I want YOU to be the one who needs the breastpump not some stupid, irresponsible kid. Sending you lots of love.
Mic
I am sooooo sorry that you are going through this! My old manager - his step daughter who is 17 had a baby last October and although I a not around her, it was still hard to take. 3 months later, they still do not know who the father is. I guess she got around without her parents knowing. It amazes me.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to hear that you were able to go home and take care of yourself!
I have nominated you for a beautiful blogger award - I think you are a very, very strong person and I admire that so much!
Thinking about you. I hope you feel better!
ReplyDelete