Ah yes. My dear, sweet friend, Anxiety. I wish I knew how to officially break up with you, once and for all. It's not like we're good for each other. We are not. You give me headaches and make me sick to my stomach (literally). So, why do you keep coming back? It's not as if we have good breakup sex or anything.
I've pinpointed it a bit. It gets the best of me when I have time to myself. To think. To reminisce of our good times. It's about time that I realize that you're no good for me and officially kick you to the curb. Most of the time, I'm with Mr SC. However, when I'm alone, alone (in the car, sitting at Barne.s & Noble today, which is was sooo looking forward to) it gives my mind time to wander. Interesting though that to most, I'm a fairly put together person. Only people who really know me know that I deal with anxiety. What am I anxious about?
Let's see...
1. Social situations. I'm not very outgoing. I may seem bubbly and witty to you, my bloggy friends, but to most people, I'm shy. It's only when people get to know me do they see the true me. Odd that I'm a teacher and am shy, but hey, that's me. So, I'm nervous about tonight. The wife of Mr SC's friend is coming over (with her hubby and a few other people) for suds, sledding and snow. Suds being beer...I was trying to be clever and use alliteration there. Anyway, I met her last night and it was fine. However, the whole time I felt like she just wanted to talk to me. To say hey, I can't believe someone else IRL gets it. I'm just not ready for that. I've become quite used to the last four months of living in oblivion.
2. My weight. God, I hate it. I was only this heavy one other time in my life. I lost the weight, but it was so incredibly difficult to do so. I guess over the last year, if weight gain is the worst thing, that I've dealt with things fairly well. But, anyway. I had an eating disorder in college and I'm scared. I'm scared to go there again. I'm scared to try to lose weight and have it be next to impossible to do. I'm scared to fail and it and to have my body fail me, again. You skinny folk, perhaps you're thinking, DUH! Eat less. Work out. I get that. I have hypothyroidism though and when I lost weight before, I literally had to consume 1000 calories a day or under and burn off nearly all of them to have the scale budge.
3. TTC. Yep, here it is. I'm taking Prove.ra for seven more days. Seven more days of living in oblivion. Then, it's back. I'm already stuck. As a teacher, I always do "something" over the summer, professionally. I look for conferences, etc. Last summer, for example, I was an AP exam reader (it was my 4th year doing so) and I went to Pittsburgh for a week through a program. I've found several this year that I'd like to apply for. Why don't I? I keep thinking...what if I'm pregnant? What if I'm pregnant and gone and start spotting? What do I do? The last two times that happened, I called my doc and was in for an u/s within hours. If I'm gone, I won't have that.
So there it is. I feel badly even posting this. Wah, wah, Kelly's having a pity party again, where people will tell me that they're sorry and how strong I am. I'm not strong. I'm incredibly weak. If I were strong, I'd be able to send Anxiety packing, once and for all.
I'm the same way in social situations. Most people would think I'm extremely shy (or being rude or stuck-up), but I'm just not the outgoing type, much to my dismay. It takes weeks for my real personality to come out, but look out when it does! Lol! I loathe social situations, especially if I have to entertain virtual strangers. God bless ya!
ReplyDeleteBlech to Anxiety. I know the feeling and no matter what I tell myself or do I can't make it go away. Panic attacks in the night, stress over sending an e-mail to someone, sweat from every pore just to talk to someone on the phone. Thinking of every possible bad thing that could happen. Overthinking everything and letting things get bad because I can't do the tiny little thing that would make it better.
ReplyDeleteSometimes its not as bad and I don't know why. People were telling me "just relax" long before I was TTC -- ex-BF who would tell me to "just feel better." Psychologist who said "just change how you think." I wish I could figure out how!
I'm not going to say you're strong or weak, I'm just going to say I understand the utterly frozen spot you can get into when Anxiety rears its ugly head and if you need to talk about it here, please do!!
I have anxiety about a bunch of things too. I hate social situations unless they're on my home turf. For some reason, I have no problem being the hostess, but out in public, I sometimes freeze. I also have struggled with my weight for my whole life, so I know that it's not so easy to just "stop eating and exercise." It's a definite mental game too.
ReplyDeleteTTC... Well, we all pretty much know how that goes. Sometimes it's so much easier during the times when we CAN'T try for one reason or another, because at least then, we can't fail.
Ugh. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.
Anxiety sucks. Being overweight sucks. Awkward social situations always suck. I've been through(or am going through) all of this so I know how you feel. I wish we could send anxiety packing for good. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeletePurging is good!
ReplyDeleteAnxiety sucks.
But blogging...keep it up. If this is the only place you feel confident in purging then that is OK. The rest of the world will have to wait as they get to know the real you.
Anxiety is a mean, horrible, club-wielding witch. And even when you think you're done with her, there she is. Lurking around the corner. And I hear you about not knowing how/what to plan for. It's terrible:(
ReplyDeleteBut I think having a pity party is NOT a bad thing. Holding it inside and not identifying any of the things that bother you...that's a sure recipe for Ms. Horrible Club-Wielding Witch.
Sending you good thoughts.
I'm the same in social situations too. That's probably why I don't have many friends. All of F's friends he's known for a while so I'm the "new" one and I'm supposed to meet their wives and become friends with them. Blah. They problaby think I'm a b* but I just am shy and IF doesn't make it any easier when they all have kids. I've actually heard his friend say I don't like anyone. I don't care though. Once you know me I open up and it's all good. Anyways, I hope last night w/ your hubby's friend's wife went ok. Hopefully she didn't want to talk too much or get into it too much. And maybe you can just plan a relaxing summer and do other things that will keep you home in case you're pregnant? I know it sucks never being able to "plan" anything. I just got an email from F's dad's wife wanting us to go to MI this summer. I'm like "I can't plan anything. I'll either be pregnant, or not pregnant and draining my bank account, or having surgery...we just don't know." I know they're not going to "get it" either. Anyways I hope your anxiety takes a hike and you have a good weekend!
ReplyDeleteAnxiety sucks. If you find a good way to knock it, please let me know. I am an unsocial teacher too. In fact, all of the things you mentioned add fuel to that beast.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a relaxing weekend.
Kelly from one anxious overweight gal to another I hear you... and you do such a good job of articulating how you feel. Its not easy. Its not. Losing weight is TOUGH. Managing TTC is TOUGH. And anxiety... is TOUGH. You wanna talk about it email me on ezerine@yahoo.com anytime. I cant promise i will know the answers but I am always available to listen
ReplyDeleteYou are right-- I wouldn't have guessed that you are shy. I'm the same way. DH is very outgoing and doesn't understand why being around people I don't know is so hard for me.
ReplyDeleteOh and, FWIW, getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other.... keeping your sense of humor (which you DO)....writing about difficult things.....
thoose all take lots of strength, my friend.
((((hugs)))
I'm socially awkward and I hate it. I just feel like I never fit in and never know what to say. I too have gained some pounds this year which I think adds to how awkward I feel around new people. I hope you anxiety goes away soon! Just take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteYou're not having a pity party..I don't know of anyone going through what we are w/o it. And the weight thing plus TTC..I completely get it..Gah. Hopefully the award waiting for you at my place brings a little smile to your face..
ReplyDeleteMy middle name is anxiety! ( well..I don't have a middle name, so I guess this one fits) I agree that you are incredibly strong, even if you don't know it.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the weight thing, & there's no easy answer to that.
(((HUGS)))!!!
I can also relate to much of this, Anxiety has followed me around my whole life. I have been doing a better job managing it the past 6 months or so when I finally somehow realized 'I don't have control over any of this' and meant it. However, I dread the meds, they DO make it worse. And of course waiting for fertility reports and the like. Wishing you the best.
ReplyDeleteHi Kelly. I got your comment to my blog. Thanks for following me. I will do the same. This blog post of yours hits home. If you've read my recent posts you'll see I suffer from Anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder is the proper term right?) and depression. I hate it. I hate the anxiety because this is what leads to the hell hole of depression. I can relate to not being a people person and the weight struggle, and of course the problems of TTC (even though that's on hold for me right now).
ReplyDeleteWell, I look forward to seeing what comes of your BD'ing in March. :)
I'm here if you need me!