Fears

Since Mr SC and I had our talk and reached our decision on Thursday, I've felt the most conflicting emotions.

Relief. Sadness. Fear.

Why relief? Although I have talked to my therapist about it extensively and blogged about it, I was fearful in the back of my mind that I would never be ready for trying again. Give it time, I heard. I was reassured that my feelings were normal. The weird part is that I never felt any closer to being ready. If anything, I felt more disconnected from it. I'm relieved that we reached this decision, that I was able to be honest with myself and help make this decision.

Sadness...this one is obvious, but it's a different kind of sadness. It's not a paralyzing, gut-wrenching sadness. It's more a kind of pain for what could have been, not with my losses that already happened, but what could have been had we tried again. I'm also sad about what the person that I was and am disgusted with myself that I wasn't able to cope with things better.

In the back of my mind, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm weak. Others have endured so much more than we have, yet we decided that this was the end of the road. I don't want to be perceived as a quitter. We also have a diagnosis with my elevated NK cells, which is more than many couples get to have. Although it's controversial, there is treatment. What's wrong with us that we aren't willing to try it? I'm afraid that I'll buy into society's stereotype that the only "family" is one with a couple and a child. I'm afraid that we'll be considered less of a couple because we don't have the "bond" of a child. I'm afraid that people who know what we've been through (many do, to varying degrees) will realize that we aren't having a child and will always look at us with pity. I'm afraid that Mr SC made this decision because he wants to make me happy and isn't thinking about himself and will resent me.

Writing it all down, most of what I'm afraid of involves how others will perceive us. This isn't even logical, since no one knows (aside from my bloggy friends, our parents and my dear friend, Kelly) about our NK cells and it's not like we're going to make our decision a topic of conversation over dinner. I told my mom and Mr SC will tell his mom and, well, Kelly will find out when if she reads my blog. Still, something that consumes so much of you, well, if it's all that's racing around in your head it's so strange to know that on the outside, people have no idea. I'm always fearful that people will look at me, know, and judge.

I guess I'm afraid that those fears will become how I feel and instead of struggling with them, they're take over in my head.

I've been thinking of a way to memorialize our losses and what could have been and I think I've decided on getting a pinky ring. It will be a symbol of the four lives that we lost, the end of that chapter of our lives and our commitment to each other for the future. I haven't picked it out yet, because I know that I'll know it when I see it.

Thanks so much everyone for your kindness and support and I hope when I do blog, that you'll keep stopping by.