I know that this title and the subject of this post may seem odd, coming from someone who is infertile and doesn't have a child. However, Mr SC and I encoutered a couple of things over the last few days that left us scratching our heads. I thought I'd throw it out there to see what others say. I know I'm being judgemental here, which makes me feel icky. I guess one of the reasons I'm putting this out there is to help me see the other side (is there one?)
As my disclaimer, I know that when I am a mom, I will make mistakes. Tons of them. I also know there are different viewpoints out there about how to best handle things. Again, this is why I'm posting here.
Situation #1: Mr SC and I are at a restaurant last Wednesday. There's a couple there with a young girl (I'd say about seven). At their dinner table (well, the restaurant table) is a DVD player, playing a movie, in front of the young girl. The couple is talking and not really interacting with child. She is then running around the table, not eating her food, etc. etc.
Situation #2: Mr SC and I are at the Pen.n State football game yesterday. For those of you who aren't familiar with the stadium, it seats 108,000 people. It gets loud and rowdy. Young girl (who is about seven) is playing a game the entire football game on an ipad looking device. She is oblivous to what's going on around her and is only content when someone else is playing game with her.
Thoughts?
Oh that's a toughie. I too find myself judging people when I don't agree with their parenting styles. The first situation is disturbing because, in my opinion, you should really use dinnertime to interact with your children and DVD players don't have a place at the table.
ReplyDeleteNow the second situation I do understand a little bit. My niece would never be able to sit all the way through a football game without some form of entertainment. Really, it's not the place for a little kid, unless a dad is taking his son to the game to teach him about football. But the ipad for entertainment I do understand. The little girl was probably bored out of her gord and the parents are trying to do their best to entertain her.
I've done a million things already that I never said I'd do in the sake of entertaining K and keeping her from making a scene in a public place.
Yesterday the Mr. really wanted to go to IHOP. Kaitlin was in a happy mood and it was naptime so I agreed to go. But as soon as we sat at our table she woke up, started to cry (really loudly) and I didn't want to disturb others in the place so I took her out of the carrier and started quietly bouncing her on my lap and singing into her ear. I had to hold her the entire time we were eating - she did not want to be put down. Back in the day I would have said just leave the restaurant but I decided to make due, eat my french toast one handed and to hell with it.
Mic, I agree with you but to me, what you described to me at IHOP is different. Kaitlin is so young. I also agree with you about the girl at the football game, but I don't understand why they even took her. You're right. She would be bored out of her mind. However, the second they got there they got out the iPad and she used it the entire time. That left me puzzled.
ReplyDeleteI definitely find myself judging parents and their styles. I know parents that have done such a good job raising their kids, that I will be asking for their advice when the time comes. And they would have never allowed DVDs at dinner tables. We went to a fancy dinner with them, when the kids were 3 and 4. Going there, I was sure it was going to be a disaster. But we sat there for 2 hours, and the boys either talked with us, or they were allowed to play with one small thing at a time - a small car, or coloring book. They even ordered for themselves! The parents taught them at a young age that it was really exciting and a privilege to be in public, and if they couldn't behave, then they didn't get to go out. The key is being consistent and following through. I find this very rare in the parents that I know.
ReplyDeleteOf course I'll never know what kind of parent I'll actually be until it happens. But I've thought a lot about it!
i think it's entirely ok to judge these people.
ReplyDeleteactually telling them what you think (or tutting at them or looking disapproving at them!) would be crossing the line. but thinking it to yourself (and discussing it with the Mr) is a-ok to me. it's one of the ways you 'practice' being a parent before it actually happens.
to me, those things are parenting fails. but there might be circumstances that explain them. i don't know what those circumstances would be :) but they might exist.
it's hard though when you see people who blatantly don't deserve children - who ignore them and then shout at them for doing nothing wrong and smoke heavily round them and call them horrible names and things - and they have never suffered a loss, while we have. err, not like i'm channelling anyone i know or anything.......!
I'm nervous by how reliant so many parents are these days on electronic devices to entertain their kids. My three-year-old niece is constantly playing games on the iPad and it kind of weirds me out. I also think she was exposed to television at too young an age.
ReplyDeleteI am sometimes shocked by how many kids don't get outside and play, who are so reliant on technology, and the parents that rely on it to entertain their children. I taught at an Outdoor Science School where kids from LA County were horrified by sitting on the ground. HORRORS! I swear to not let that be my kids.
ReplyDeleteHowever, to each their own, and situations like that only serve to make me more resolved to not let things like that be my child's life.
I don't like it, but I judge too. Especially the first situation. The second doesn't bother me nearly as much. Maybe they're new in town and had nobody to watch her, and I don't see anything wrong with it, it's not as if watching a game were very interactive anyway.
ReplyDeleteI know that I will also make many many mistakes. The thing that bothers me about kids constantly having video/ipad/tv/musical stimulation is it seems they aren't being taught to interact (or should I say use correct social skills) or use any manners. I have so many friends who aren't training their children to entertain themselves with their own imaginations. I loved all the dreaming and story telling I did in my own head. I admit my parents let me read a lot (never at the dinner table) and I don't why know I feel it's different, but I do. Is it just me or do kids today seem to have no manners??
ReplyDeleteAlso, sometimes I feel like people are judging me when I say I won't do something as a parent. Just because we don't have children doesn't mean we aren't human and maybe, just maybe, we have a more rational opinion since we aren't blinded by the child's cuteness. Just saying.
I do hope I can stick to some of the things I say I want to do once I am a parent.
The BBC did a fantastic documentary called "The Human Face" and one of the subjects they tackled was how children today have behavioral problems because they have trouble reading and relating to others' facial expressions - often leading to aggression because they can't read other people. That this is due to kids spending so much time interacting with electronic devices, and so little time interacting with people. IMO, this is a great argument against (frequent) use of electronic games even in the name of "learning."
ReplyDeleteIn other words, judge away. It IS a problem.
Electronic devices are definitely good and bad. If you would like another perspective on the first situation. Perhaps the parents are exhausted, could not afford a babysitter and dinner so opted to take the child to dinner and used the video as the babysitter. Not the best idea but who knows if they do it all the time or just occasionally.
ReplyDeleteSecond situation is less offensive to me. I would prefer to watch a video then a sporting event. Particularly if you don't really get it or are up high enough to not really be able to tell what is going on.
I do my best not to let my child (3 year old) watch much tv (less than 1 hour per day), and I definitely sensor what she is allowed to see. We don't have family near by, and sitters in our area run $7-10/hour. So we don't go out often and when we do it is a chore. At least 2-3 walks with our child. She will eat her food and has appropriate manners for her age, but it's boring for her.
Before I had a child I had many ideas of how things should be and what I would NEVER do. But you do the best you can. And occasionally, that is crappy.
All that said, I have never let my child watch a video at the table. Plane, definitely, and I can tell you all the other passengers were happy about that.
Your comments are similar to the thoughts I was having. The only real thought I had about the football game was why take the child in the first place? If someone wasn't available to watch her, then fine. You can't go. Sticking the iPad in front of her immediately (instead of having it there for when she would get bored) seemed bizarre.
ReplyDeleteSame boat as you (no kids). ;)
ReplyDeleteTotally my opinion (and I'm sure I'll screw up in all sorts of ways if I'm ever lucky enough to have even one):
Using the tv/dvd/computer as a babysitter for a little while so you can get something done around the house or to keep a little one occupied during travel? Fine in my book - I'm sure everyone does it at one point or another.
Using same electronic devices to avoid having to actually interact with your kid? Stupid, lazy parenting.
In both cases, the parents didn't really want their kid with them, so they are using something else to distract the child so they can enjoy adult time. Would have been much smarter to either put the crap away and interact with their kid, or get a babysitter (one that actually plays with the kid) so they could go do their adult time without so obviously ignoring their child.
It is pure selfishness to drag a kid along to an event that the kid wouldn't find interesting or is too long to stay focused at. Again, lazy and selfish parents that are "raising" (and I use that term loosely) disconnected, messed up kids.
Is it the same little girl, or different girls?
ReplyDeleteThis may sound contradictory, but I think I'm okay with playing a game at a football game (and I absolutely LOVE college football), but not at the dinner table. I think that dinner time is a time for family interaction. I love that we ate together as a family growing up, and we now do the same (even now that we have Ella, we put her in the bouncer on the table). But in a way, I feel that playing the game at the football game is simply replacing one form of entertainment with another.
Now, if it's the same child who is playing the game/DVD constantly...I think she's too attached/dependent on the device. And if she is insistent on others playing with her and can't entertain herself, then yes, I have a problem with that. As a sidenote, when my brother wanted a Nintendo (old-school!), my parents told him he could buy it himself. So he raised the money himself. I think he was maybe 9 at the time? But it taught him the value of money and hard work, and he sure appreciated the device! (But we also played outside plenty as well).
Totally ok to judge - it's human nature and we all do it - yes even the ones who say they don't!
ReplyDeleteI've encountered the first example you provided, not the DVD at the table part but the child running around in a restaurant and disturbing other diners. Was this child being loud or just running around?
I think it's entirely inappropriate to take children to restaurants if they won't behave or you refuse to interact with them so they then misbehave. I don't spend my $ for a good meal for it to be interrupted and YES I have said something to parents in the past - they didn't care but I certainly did.
The second example I can understand, a whole game might be too long to hold the attention span for.
I do think that children are too reliant on electronic devices these days [she says as she types on her second love - her laptop].
The kids round our way actually do get out and play in the bush and build things and climb things - which is just so unusual to see, which makes me always think they're up to something! LOL
First, I love your love for your football team if I haven't mentioned it before! So, my thought on that one is this... I saw lots of little kids at our football game this year, and if they like football, it's one thing, but if not don't expose them to the vulgarity (that may just be LSU vs. Ark, but I highly doubt it), and it's soooo loud and sooo bad for little developing ears!
ReplyDeleteThe restaurant to me is too much, but then I view the dinner table as a place to chat about your day, so maybe I'm just old school, but I plan on making it that way in my home!
Of course we'll do things we said we'd never do, but I think if you're blessed enough to have a child, they should be a priority, in all situations, and if they aren't going to be, then don't take them. This is also coming from someone who wasn't allowed misbehave in public places, so my parents could take my sister and I anywhere without incident and if one did arise, we knew there would be consequences!
I don't know, I feel like those of us who have struggled to get there look at the situation differently and have ideals that may or may not stick once we're in the parent role!
I find myself so often judging parents too - esp in these situations. The kid at the dinner table is the worst - that's the time to interact w/ your child, to ask them about their day, not to shove a movie in front of them so they shut up.
ReplyDeleteI get really frustrated by one of C's cousins, he's an only child and at every family gathering has his head buried in his gameboy or the computer. Not at the table, but he eats quickly so he can run off and play again. It drives me nuts - this is a kid that is definitely lacking socially and I watch as the parents do nothing to promote him interacting with others. it's sad.
Hope we both get to a place in 2011 to put our parenting to the test.... :-)
I am super judgy mcjudgepants so I'll refrain here. But, yeah, I always think I'll be better than that, but I also realize how hard it is to just get through raising a kid. I look forward to the decision that letting them play a game or run around seems okay. And try not to remember how much I contradict myself.
ReplyDelete