Pregnant. It's not. With four losses under our belts, it's hard to even think of myself as pregnant. Is it because I'm in disbelief? Denial? Am I trying to detach myself because I think it will be less painful when it doesn't work out? I don't know.
So far, I'm fine. Makes sense if I'm in denial about being pregnant, doesn't it? The only time that's difficult is at night. That's when I use the progesterone gel (which, I don't know why it's called gel, but that's another thing) and Mr SC gives me my shot. I shiver. He thinks it's just because I'm cold from the ice on my stomach. Nope. It's in those few moments of the day that I allow myself to think about being pregnant. Getting through today will be a small milesetone for me. I'm 5w2d and I was this far with pregnancy #3 when I started spotting. That was our first yes it's fine-no it's not-yes it is-no it's not-oh, there's a hearbeat-you're miscarrying roller coaster.
Mr SC and I are leaving shortly to head to the Pocono.s. The EDD from our first miscarriage is on the 25th. We went away last year, to completely be by ourselves. We also decided to flee the scene because we wanted something to look forward to (the travel) rather than dwelling on the calendar. It was still difficult, but it made it easier. We rented a cabin on the lake this year and have reservations for dinner on Thanksgiving that we're both looking forward to.
Miracles are all around us, there is no reason this can't be your turn. I'm pulling for you and hope you have a wonderful time of peace and reflection on the lake. Reservations without the cooking and craziness of family sounds divine. x
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what you are feeling right now. I am thinking of you guys and hope your time away is peaceful.
ReplyDeleteI'm keeping everything crossed here!
ReplyDeleteHope you have a brilliant time away...
~x~
p.s. Thanks for the add!
Hey, the Pocon.o's! You're in my (current) neck of the woods! :D We should meet up! Well, only if you can. No pressure. We could go shopping at the outlet's. Lol! (Actually, I hate shopping - sad, but true - I'm not your typical girly-girl.)
ReplyDeleteHave a fantastic getaway!
Thank you for your kind words on my blog. I read through many of your entries last night and have been thinking of you a lot. I know exactly what you mean when you say that seeing that positive pink line is actually scary now. I so hope this one is the one for you....I am looking forward to continuing to follow your journey!
ReplyDeleteHave a lovely holiday weekend, Kelly! A cabin in the Poconos with your man--no cooking, no family, no drama? Sounds PERFECT.
ReplyDeleteI still have everything crossed for you that you get your miracle...
Of course the label of pregnant is scary for you. I hope it will get better after the next few weeks. I'm glad you two are getting away for the holiday - sounds wonderful! I have been thinking about you every day. Sending all kinds of positive vibes your way!!!
ReplyDeleteI can imagine the uneasiness your feeling. My thoughts are with you and this baby.
ReplyDeleteYour Thanksgiving weekend sounds amazing! Enjoy the peace and quiet! (I will be in PA too in Lancaster).
I am right down the road from you this week, then! I live in Slatington. I hope you enjoy the area and are able to distract yourself. Big hugs to you and your hubby. Much love and still hoping for the best.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you enjoy your time away, and the holiday with your husband. It's always hard to pass the 'day' that you had problems with past pregnancies. Even now that we are adopting, I still hold my breath on those days.... Hugs!
ReplyDeletesounds like you have a wonderful getaway ahead of you. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed. I totally get whhat you mean about not being comfortable with the label "pregnant".
ReplyDeleteI think I hid out in denial for a large part of this pregnancy, and I don't even know if I'm comfortable with the label pregnant, even now. I think your emotions are totally normal and just do whatever you need to do to get through these first (scary) weeks.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the holiday with your husband!
I hope you have a good time!
ReplyDeleteI know what you're going through. Two days ago I found out I was as well, and I find it hard to think of it. I find myself denying that I could be pregnant. I think it's hard to get happy when we hear we're pregnant and we have had multiple miscarriage because we're left with the biggest fears of it ending. I'm hoping this pregnancy goes perfectly smooth for you. *hugs* Have they done any beta draws on you?
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I can certainly sympathize and I know how tortorous it is to be in the "wondering" stage...
ReplyDeleteWe just got the go ahead from my Dr. yesterday to try and get pregnant again. After 3 mc, the last being a D&C, I am so nervous it ties my stomach in knots. I wish you luck and hope that all turns out well for you.
Enjoy your time away with each other. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog. Hope you have a great time on your trip, and enjoy yourselves! Praying for you, reading a bit of your blog I can deff see why you are feeling the way you are.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Hannah
~ICLW~
One day at a time. That's how I did it & am still doing it. I have so much hope for you!!! I hope you & Mr SC have a fantastic weekend away!!!
ReplyDeleteSending up prayers for this to be your miracle baby. Hope you enjoy your holiday and being away with hubby!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. I think renting a cabin in such a great idea, I know we did that after the last m/c- we decided that once the weather was nicer we were going away for a few days. It gave me something to get me through the winter.
ReplyDeleteHoping, hoping, hoping for NO spotting, a STRONG heartbeat, and a wonderful Thanksgiving for you and Mr. SC. It seems very unfortunate that your Thanksgivings will always be shadowed by that EDD, but I supposed those moments are when we learn about thankfulness in its deepest, most difficult, and most courageous sense.
ReplyDeleteI think I missed the initial announcement, but congrats! And I know the pregnant label is just weird. But enjoy your holiday with your hubby! And bring pictures!
ReplyDeleteI am hoping the best for you. Now that I am in this limbo I understand your feelings even more. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a great trip! Still hoping for you!
ReplyDeleteI've been known to say I "technically got a positive on a pregnancy test" before, instead of saying I was pregnant. Have a great trip!
ReplyDeleteGlad you have Thanksgiving plans that you're looking forward to. It's great to get quality time in a beautiful spot with your husband.
ReplyDeleteI'm 5 days behind you with this pregnancy, and it feels totally abstract. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but my first ultrasound is looming out there and lurking in the back of my mind as much as I try to ignore it.
Sending you good thoughts. *hug*
Here from ICLW :) Holy crap, 4 ice babies in there? That's awesome! Hang in there, give yourself permission to be excited if you want to be, or not if you don't. Take care of yourself, and have a great time in the Pocs. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteHey Girl this is so so normal and will def take time to get used to...I dont think I started thinking things were really going to happen until well into my second trimester...but I will say each time we got a little bit further than the last and I would see the progress that my wall would come down a little bit and a little more until one week it was completely down and of course that was scary too because you allow yourself to be that vulnerable again but also amazing feeling because you would truly allow yourself to enjoy and attach to the pregnancy....Your day will come but it will def take a while:) Hang in there and have fun with the hubs sounds so peaceful to be alone:) We have 3 Thanksgivingings to go to in one day...Yuck
ReplyDeleteDenial sounds like a good thing. It's better than constant unrelenting terror :)
ReplyDeleteI hope this is the pregnancy you get your baby to hold.
Thinking of you. Have a good trip and I'm just sending so many positive thoughts the web may not be able to hold them all.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally on the same page as you. I'm sending you positive vibes and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a peaceful weekend. Hang in there.
Here from ICLW, thanks for stopping off at my blog. I can SO identify with not being comfortable pregnant. I'm sorry this has been such a hard road for you, I pray this is the one.
ReplyDeleteSince I'm my new role in life is recurrent- pregnancy-loss-detective, can I ask if you ever did karyotype analysis on your babies?
I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you - even at 25 weeks, it doesn't seem real. I'm afraid to dream about what we've dreamed about all along! Maybe when we hold our babies in our arms we'll finally believe!