The End...For Now

This may turn into a long post. My apologies if it does.

I've been at home the last few days, sick. Blech I've felt like crap. I kept the TV off and have been reading. Yesterday I finished a book and today I started The Rea.ding Group. It's a book about women who participate in a book club and about their lives. That makes it sound so bland but it's been great.

That is, until the author introduced the character, "Clare".

Clare and her husband both share their stories about their lives, their marriage, etc. They both are always sad and never feel like they're living. Clare's husband reveals that they've endured five miscarriages (or maybe more because he feels like he's lost count) and, it goes into great lengths about how their marriage and also, they themselves, have died a little bit more inside every time Clare lost a baby.

I still can't believe I kept reading the book. A month ago, I wouldn't have. I cry, but it's ok. Clare talks about how the calendar is filled with "unbirthdays" and riddled with other dates that are horrible reminders of what should have been.

God, her name should have just been Kelly. I can identify with her so much.

I just really allowed myself to think today, all warm and toasty with my two dogs in bed. Although I may blog when I'm upset, I'm feeling stronger and more like myself every day. Mr SC and I are getting back to our old selves, more and more, every day.

When I called the doc at SIRM last week for my consultation, I truly had a breakdown before I talked to the doctor. I could barely pull myself together. I just kept saying, "I don't want to do this again."

We will never, ever be over what happened and what we lost. Never. But, Mr SC and I ended up having a long talk that he initiated. Maybe he's practicing for therapy. :) I don't know. But I look at it like this. Mr SC has had several knee surgeries. His knee will never be the same and, well, it will always hurt a little bit. Some days, it's a dull ache. Other days it hurts more. It's not excruciating pain though like it was when he got injured or how it felt right after surgery.

We don't want to lose ourselves. We don't want to lose our marriage. Mr SC doesn't want to go skiing, because hell, his knee will get torn up again and why do something that he knows will only cause him incredible pain?

We're on an indefinite break. Now, you may think that that's what we're doing now. True, but we were looking at December, with daily shots of Loven.ox and the intralipid infusions. Now, it's indefinitely put off.

And we both feel like an incredible weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

If we were younger and had more time, perhaps things would be different. Perhaps after a few years, we could journey down that road again. The reality is though that Mr SC and I met when we were 33 and time isn't on our side.

But it is. We're choosing to take our lives back and live our lives. Life's too short. We're tired of being caught in the roller coaster of trying and, well, for now...we've decided to get out of line for the ride and walk, hand-in-hand around the park for a while.