I'm amazed at just how much living is going on, all while I feel like my life is at a standstill. I feel trapped and stalled.
Yet, I read blogs of women and think, wow! They're 36 weeks already?
Or I see FB profile pics being updated, which include adorable photos of an almost one year old. How has an entire year gone by already?
I would have been celebrating Halloween this year with an eleven month old, if it weren't for my first miscarriage.
It's just so strange. I'm not upset...it just is what it is. My life could be over tomorrow and I feel like the last year and a half have been defined solely by grief. Not how I want to remember my life at all.
omg... this could have been me writing this post today... I completely feel exactly the same as you...
ReplyDeletean in-limbo state of constant grief...
Hope the sun shines for you soon x
L x
I know just what you mean. For almost two years I've been treading water, just stuck out here. And then you watch other people's bellies and children grow and realize how little you've been able to move or change.
ReplyDeleteI keep having that same feeling. How is it that everyone else's lives keep moving forward and I am still in exactly the same place I was 2 years ago? Kids keep coming by trick or treating (more than we've ever had before) and everyone of them makes me think of how old they are, and how much they must have aged in the time I've been trying to have one.
ReplyDeleteI feel like a student who has been left behind not just a grade, but a school. Like everyone has moved onto middle school and I'm in fourth grade. New kids keep arriving and graduating. People who were my classmates finish year after year. I'm still at my same desk, taking the same tests and failing.
ReplyDeleteI too feel this way. My Sprout's bday would have been next month and I can't tell you how hard this time of year is...though I suspect you know the feeling.
ReplyDeleteTime needs to slow down for us infertiles, it is just simply unfair that we get the short end of every measuring stick!
You are not alone in this time warp.
HUGS.
ReplyDeleteOh this is so very true. How are we at the exact same place in our lives than we were so long ago? I get this, I really do.
ReplyDeleteIts like a bad case of deja vu...Sorry horrible speller...Anyway I hear what you are saying and I hope in the near future this will all change for you and your hubs!!! Its just a tough spot to be in
ReplyDeleteI know you feel like your life has been defined by grief this past year, but I see more. I see sweet sweet friendships, a wonderful marriage, and a beautiful mom.
ReplyDeleteI have felt this way too- for almost two years, all I knew was loss, but when I look back, I see that there was more. To say the least, I made so many sweet friendships and have felt such love.
I hope you feel the love coming your way.
(((hugs)))
ebe
I have moment like that. I'll be fine, then I'll realize- hey, I should have a two year old, a one year old, a newborn... or hey, when did so-and-so's child get that old? I realize how much time has passed, and it just hits me and seems surreal. I always have to take a step back, and just go wow, where did the time go?
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing like new life to show you how much your life hasn't changed.
ReplyDeleteIt will get better - I promise.
xx
((hugs)), Kelly.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing. Sometimes I'm in a state of shock by it all - the fact that life happens so easily for other people, while for us it seems to stand still.
ReplyDeleteBut you're a lot more than your grief, Kelly. I know that sometimes the grief is overwhelming. It invades EVERYTHING. But there's more to you than that. (A lot more.)
You are not alone. Me too, am in the same place. I am running out of the ideas of tricking myself out the constant sadness & pain. I am trying to over-compensate any way I can, so I could sometimes forget about the pithole I fell into. I hate this struggle with a passion, I hate it for all of us. The sun MUST come out! Thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing, isn't it? I prefer to think we're actually doing something quite cool, like flying around the earth at the speed of light, so when we touch back down everyone else has aged several years but we're just the same age. Only, oh right, we're not the same age, are we? Well, it was a fun thought while it lasted.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. :( And I hope things are looking up soon!
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way. Life feels unreal so much of the time.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many markers of what's missing in our lives. It feels like we constantly feel that there is something missing, and then Holidays or special events just highlight it in flashy pink.
ReplyDeleteI hope for better days for you, Kelly.
I really identify with what you wrote. I just can't fathom that in the last year I've miscarried three times and life is going on for everyone else but me. I am at a standstill.
ReplyDeleteI'm de-lurking, your blog has really helped me, I identify with what you write when I have no words through my grief.