I've been thinking a great deal about your comments on my last post about knowing when you've reached your limits. I carefully weighed very word (seriously) and thought I was better in my head about things.
And then it hit me.
First, with this NK cell diagnosis and my doc wanting me to do intralipid infusions. Well, I know several women who successfully carried to term after multiple losses after infusions. There are many, many doctors though who think this is a bunch of hogwash.
I knew that though, even though it's too "grey" for my liking.
I got up the courage to post on FB about October and remembering lost babies. I was proud of myself. One of my hs friends posts that she had two losses and I sent her a private message. In telling her a little about what had happened to us, I started to type "five", rather than four.
This is the second time I've done that. The second time I actually added a miscarriage. Who forgets how many losses they've had?? So, my newest fear is that it's a sign. That it's my body's way of knowing that hey, Kelly...this may not be the best idea.
This week is also tough because it's all about me remembering last year at this time, when I was still pregnant. Last year when I was approaching my 9 week 1st OB appointment, that after the roller coaster ride that was the beginning of my pregnancy I found out at that appointment that it was over. I had my D&E on October 14th. I'm really dreading that day.
Just my thoughts. I'm trying my best and I'm fairly ok. My emotions though have swung for complete despair to complete, full-throttle bitch. Poor Mr. SC. AF is on her way!
I do the same thing--adding a loss. It's easier (at least for me) to predict that the future will be the same as the past than to believe that things can be different. I don't think it means I shouldn't try again, but I haven't had as many losses as you. My guess is that the more losses a woman has, the harder it is to believe that things will ever turn out well.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are doing a lot of difficult soul searching. I hope that things come clear for you soon.
And kudos to you for posting about pregnancy loss awareness in Oct. on FB.
Big ((hugs)) Kelly! You should be very proud of yourself for posting that on fb. I'm sure there is someone out there that you've touched for sharing that.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds so difficult what you're going through. I don't have any good advise or wisdom. Just hoping things get better for you. I'll be thinking of you this week.
Loss anniversaries are so so hard. It seems that October is a difficult month for many bloggers. I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you never have that fifth loss.
Sending big ((HUGS))!!
ReplyDelete**HUGS**
ReplyDeleteOh wow, that's pretty powerful ... adding a loss. I was so proud of you for posting that on FB. It sounds like Oct. will be hell for you and I'm so incredibly sorry. **hugs**
ReplyDeleteThis will be a rough week for you, and I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you and all of our friends who have lost babies. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI saw that post and I remember thinking wow go her for posting that on facebook. I am not sure if I would have been able too.
ReplyDeleteI saw your post of FB and was really proud of you for doing that. I know that took a lot of courage and strength. A million **hugs**, Kelly.
ReplyDelete(*HUGS*) Kudos for posting on FB- I do that every October, and light my candle on the 15th. Sometimes it's hard to come out and say these things, but it really helps at times. Especially when it leads to connections like that.
ReplyDeleteI know that having diagnoses and possible causes for losses isn't always helpful. We have a plan for if I ever get pregnant again, but I doubt it would make a difference. I have it firmly ingrained in my mind that any pregnancy I have will result in a loss, like the three that came before it. It's hard realizing how ingrained it really is sometimes.
Just, lots of (*hugs*)
Kudos for you going public on fb. I am still not half that brave.
ReplyDeleteAs for when to say when - I struggle with that everyday and I've come to the conclusion (on good days) that I will just know when it is time to quit. It's either that or after 8 years I'm just a masochist. :-)
((Hugs))
The dates are the toughest. Big (((hugs))) to you!
ReplyDeleteAnniveraries are tough. Hugs to you. I am glad you were able to share on FB. And btw, I've accidentally upped the number too. Whoops!
ReplyDelete((hugs)) Thinking of you a lot this week.
ReplyDeleteThese kind of anniversaries are so horrible. I will remain very positive for you that this is not a sign of times to come. I also know how it feels to be on the full-throttle bitch mode right before AF. Thankfully I'm back to normal and about to kick her to the curb. Feel free to contact me this week if you need me (((hugs)))
ReplyDeletehttp://deepbreathb4theplunge.blogspot.com
It sounds like a very tough time, and those anniversaries can be so awful. And I know how disturbing it is to think in terms of "the next time I miscarry", and how hard it is when you realize that - in a sense - you're taking it for granted.
ReplyDeleteThe grey - it's TERRIBLE.
Kelly, I'm so sorry. I will be holding you close in my heart this season.
ReplyDeleteAbout the 'signs'- oh man, I did and still do the same thing. I always have to get Chris to 'talk me down' when I start feeling overwhelmed with the possibility of more loss, of 'signs' of more loss. Maybe it would help to tell your husband how you're feeling and he could help you remember that no one of us knows what tomorrow holds. Maybe he could encourage you in that way?
I'm sorry, Kelly.
love,
ebe
October is a hard month for me two. My thoughts are with you. Wishing you peace and clarity as you decide what's next for you.
ReplyDelete