So, I survived the big 3-6. Mr. SC is finally asleep after a grueling day of not eating at all and, um, let's just say prepping for his colonoscopy tomorrow morning at 8am. I got tons of work done today for school and outside, too. I'm feeling pretty good.
There's a few thoughts looming in my head though and I need help sorting them out. It's odd sitting down to blog when I'm feeling so, well, normal. Generally, when my fingers find the keyboard I'm super upset or enraged or lost.
I can't believe our most recent loss was only in May. It's been a little over four months. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. The anniversary of my third loss is coming up in a couple of weeks and then in late November, it's our 1st EDD. It's not a fun time of year.
Knowing all this though, I had told Mr SC that I wanted to give it until my cycle after a trip in October that we're taking. We're going to DC to see the Colt.s (my fav team) play the Redskin.s (Mr SC's team) and I didn't want to be worrying about TTC or anything for our trip.
Now that the trip is only a couple of weeks away, I feel no closer to being ready. I artifically looked at getting my first infusion over winter break from school. I wouldn't have to worry about school, taking off, how I'd be feeling, etc. It would just be a more relaxed time to do it.
Then the questions keep flooding in...what if I don't feel any more ready than I do now? Sure, it's around 2 1/2 months away and by my own words, it would be a semi-lifetime away. It would also be after all of the anniversaries that weigh heavily on us and the holidays so logically, it makes sense.
What if I don't feel any more ready, the closer the days get? Will I ever feel ready again? If I'm honest, I can't see myself going through all of that again...the meds, the injections, the infusions, the cost...all to take a massive chance. This next time we try, there's so much more invested in it if it doesn't work. We were fortunate to get pregnant naturally, so although in all those months that we were first unsuccessful, it was horrible when AF arrived, but I don't sense it would be the same type of horrible as a cycle with all of the interventions that we will be using every cycle.
And, even though I just said I can't see myself trying again, I don't know if I can truly see us making a decision to live childfree.
How did you know? For those of you who moved on and got past things, how did you do it?
I just don't know.
Happy 36th, Kelly...I know it's been a hell of a year for you. You may not feel like you do, but you still have lots of time. Why not take a longer break? 4 months or 6 months. Or don't even give yourself a deadline. Just be for a little while. Because you don't have to know anything right now or make any kind of decision. I hope you have a great trip - you deserve some joy!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Happy Birthday to you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I don't have an answer but I wanted to still send you a note.
I am still struggling to figure this out. It feels hard to try again, but not trying is not something I am ready to accept so I keep trying. I don't know how long that will last.
I am so sorry for all you've been through and I hope you can find your answer.
I've had nearly the same dilemma just a few weeks ago. Then I read a quote from a mother saying something along the lines of "If you have to analyze whether you're ready to try again or not, wait. When you're ready, you'll know."
ReplyDeleteIt was the best advice on this subject I've found so far. I also gave myself a time line of when I thought I'd be ready to try again, but I wasn't ready then, and I'm still not now. I can feel that I'm closer to being ready, but not just yet. Trust yourself to recognize it when you are ready. Sometimes things really can shift overnight.
Sending you peace and clarity.
Hi Girl....Well to be honest I felt the way you do right now before this last IVF cycle....I am a planner by nature and usually have all my appts wrote out in my planner....all my meds organized and ready to go....ect...you get the picture....with this last IVF we to had to do more meds...more infusions...more interventions because of all the immune issues but I also knew that with all the knew treatment that their could also be other possabilities other than another loss....So my hubby and I both agreed that we would go all out for this last treatment but if it ended in another loss that we would be done and move on to other options on building our family...either adoption or surrogacy but luckily for us we didnt have to go that route it worked:) But back to what I was saying earlier I wasnt prepared for this last IVF cycle I put it off facing it to the last minute...I even missed my first Lupron shot because I didnt realize it was cycle day one....but once the cycle started I focused and put all my efforts into the cycle being that it could be my last....Dont be so hard on yourself....speaking from experience it is very hard to deal with a loss....somedays are worst than others....You will know in your heart when you cant keep going...and set a a plan B too:) Take Care!!!1
ReplyDeleteHow do you move past it? I only wish I knew. I can't move past it and yet I can't commit to living childfree either, just thinking about living childfree makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.
ReplyDeleteIf you find the answer, can you let me know?
xx
Happy belated Birthday! I'm so sorry I don't have an answer and for all the heartache you've indured. I hope that you are able to enjoy the present, for now, and that you have a great vacation (my husbands fav team is the redskins too). I'm hope you'll feel ready again and that when that time comes, you'll know it.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm......for us, when it came down to IVF with ICSI would be our only chance at getting pregnant, we decided that we would go for it, because we wanted to try everything possible once so that we wouldn't regret not trying it later. While we saved up for IVF, we talked about what our life would be like if it worked, and what our life would be like it if didn't. Since it didn't work, we were sad for a while, and then we jumped into planning our first trip as a childfree couple. It helps to have something to look forward to since we won't have a child's birthday or other milestones to look forward to. It seems to be working so far for us. I still have my days that suck because I was bombarded with reminders, but for the most part, I am happy with the life I have.
ReplyDeleteI know the holiday sedason seems like a logical time, but if you need time to heal, then you need time to heal. I didn't have nearly as much to move past as you and it was still terrifying. I HAD to move forward or I thought I would lose my nerve. I think with some time you will know what is right for you, sweetie. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI agree with so many of these posts. Maybe you need to just take it one step at a time. If you are not ready now, take time, and then see how you in a few months. easier siad than done, I know. I also find that the lead up to IVF is terrible and the actual doing it is not as bad. I guess I get caught up in appointments and dosages and sort of just go instead of thinking so much like I do outside of IVF. I hope these next few months bring you what you need.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well.
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteYou just have to have FAITH and JUMP. That's all you can do.
Easier said than done, but true. We just have to "jump" sometimes. I have so much confidence in your future. You have a plan :) Yet, only your heart can tell you when is the right time for you to take that Leap of FAITH.
Wishing all good things for you, as you deserve the world.
Much Love
I wish I knew the answer to your questions, but I don't even know how to answer them for myself. All I can say is to take things one day at a time. Some days will be good days, and some days will be bad days. (The only solace I have on the bad days is that I can go to sleep at the end of them, wake up, and start over.)
ReplyDeleteI know that, for me, my decisions change daily: I want to quit, I want to pursue IVF, I want to adopt, I want to run away. I think I'm secretly hoping that a fortune cookie ends up in my hands and contains the "right" choice. But the reality is that we eventually have to choose. And the only people who can do that are you and Mr. SC.
You'll know when it's time or when it's not time. Follow your heart and it will lead you down the path that's best for you. At least that's what I hope for, and I wish the same for you.
xo
I feel bad because I don't really have any words of advice, but I wanted you to know I'm here for you whatever path you choose.
ReplyDeleteI'm still waiting around for something to kick start me into wanting to really work at it again instead of ignorantly waiting for it to happen naturally. I hate this feeling.
I don't know either. I truly don't. I think one thing that bedevils those of us who have been through so much loss, is that our association with trying again isn't a healthy, lovely, gurgling baby....because that's simply not the way it's gone up to now. What we consider is what we know: losing a baby and having to go through the physical hell of that. And while we're more than ready for that first scenario, preparing ourselves for the possibility of the second (again)...well, it just sucks beyond suckiness.
ReplyDeleteI really don't know. My hubs and I have asked ourselves, when will we quit? We have no idea. All we know is we won't quit yet - it's not time. It's a feeling I think. A hunch. If you don't feel ready to cycle again, don't do it. You can wait another month or two or eight...
ReplyDeleteHugs to you!
I'm right there with you, thinking about trying again, not sure if I want to, not sure if I don't want to. Wish there were easy answers. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI don't have any great advice for you, except that if you don't feel ready, than maybe it would be best to wait. I hope you have fun in DC!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any great advise either, but I'll share a little something. When things got to hard with treatments and I quit I said I wanted to start the adoption process around my birthday (August). Then it was by the end of the year. Now with the end of the year approaching I don't feel like I'm quite ready. On one hand I feel like I'm losing time, I'm 29, adoption could take years. On the other hand I'm scared shitless of adoption and holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll get a miracle. Idk...these days living child free seems closer than getting pregnant or adopting. (sorry that was long)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the people who say if you're not quite ready take some more time. And maybe you will have to take a leap but maybe it won't be such a huge leap in a few more months. ((hugs))
Happy birthday to you! I haven't been through what you have, but I would just do what you feel is the right thing to do. Question for you though - do you feel ready when you are ready to do things or are you like me, you feel nervous and just need to jump in and do it. good luck with making your decisions and yea for the redskins :)
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be nice if we could have a crystal ball to look into before trying again, and it would tell us if this time would work? I have a friend who has advised to just keep trying till one sticks. Yeah, well. Who knows if one will. Or when. And it's awfully scary and depressing to try again without that crystal ball.
ReplyDeleteHappy 36th, Kelly. I hope you had a nice day and got treated to a few nice things.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great post. You are really puzzling over these important questions and I believe that process is so important. It sounds like if you feel you should be ready but aren't, that's good information for you to consider. What is that for you? Is it that you would prefer to stop trying? Is it that you would feel better to wait for a bit longer? Is it that you are still so heartbroken that it is impossible to imagine a happy outcome, making the trying a moot exercise? I guess those are just a few of the of questions you are mulling over.
I say, give your thoughts and feelings due process. IF treatments are a bitch, so you don't want to step back into that until you are ready.
I haven't figured out the answer yet. I have set a deadline for myslef but as it gets closer I just don't know what to do. It's a foreign concept to me to think about NOT trying. But I know that the trying has to come to an end at some point. I know it's tough and I know you will make the decision that is right for you and your husband. And you will just know it's the right decision in your heart. There won't be any doubts about moving forward or waiting, you will just know.
ReplyDeleteI love Payton Manning but of course the 'Skins are my team. It's going to be hard when they come to town. I have a feeling we will get smashed but I can't wait to see Manning in action. It's a football tug of war that I will be watching from the warmth of my couch. :-)
For all the treatments I ever did, never did I wonder if I was ready. Never did we set an imaginary line that was not to be crossed or a limit. When our time was up, it wasn't because we were out of money or out of embies, it was because we had lost the will to put ourselves through treatments anymore. Our decision was adoption. Obviously there are MANY other options available and we chose what was right for us.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel hesitant, I agree with others suggesting you wait. Is it time to move on? Only you can answer that question and believe me, you'll know when (if) that time comes.
I agree with lowfatlady. It depends on you. Taking a longer break doesn't sound like a bad idea.. this doesn't force you into cycle nor does it force into saying, child-free.
ReplyDeleteThese decisons are so hard and I think we all feel similarly. My mind changes all the time, and I just posted today about how I finally don't feel like I would just Die if I can't be a mom.
I don't think there is any such thing as a break until you are ready, but I think everyone is different. Sometimes, just trying feels like it will suck, but it gives you a path and sometimes that just feels good. I am dreading IVF #4, but I know I need to do it, I need to know it it could work. That not knowing is what is getting to me.
ReplyDelete