My therapist sure did earn her money on Monday! I had an appointment already scheduled, which was fitting (that was the day I wrote my "Why" post).
I completely and absolutely lost it. I let everything out like I never did before. The good, the bad and the ugly. In between sobs, I was able to communicate just what was going on with me.
Her suggestion? That I take a leave of absence from school for the rest of the year.
Why? One of the hardest things for me is having those three girls in class who have babies. I'm also having a really tough time being around my non-friend, who talks about being pregnant incessantly (imagine her yelling about her "glow" down the hall before school starts) All I keep wondering is...is that how I would look?
I'm not sure what I want to do. We don't have disability at school although I could easily take the leave. However, because Mr SC was laid off for a year and went back to work making $4 less an hour, it would pretty much mean that we would only have enough money to pay our bills through the end of August (when I'd go back to school). I just keep thinking...what if I need fertility treatments and I need the money? Do I want the stress of having less money? I just don't have the answers.
But, for right now, I'm ok. I just don't know if this is the solution. I also feel like a failure and like doing this would make me seem like I've lost my mind.
Big decisions! Maybe Mr SC got his job so you could take the time off. I am so sorry that your job has so many crappy situations going on right now. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteOh man I'm sorry. I'm glad you got it all our in your appoinment, but I'm sorry school is so tough with those girls. I knew it was tough, but I guess I didn't think about having to be their teacher every single day. I guess since I'm in an office I can avoid people if I don't want to see/talk to them. =( I'm sorry. I don't have any answers either. I wish there were clear and easy answer for you but I know there's pros and cons to each. I hope everything works out and you feel good one way or another. ((hugs)) (and boo 2WW for being a mindf*)
ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeleteFirst, Ditto on the 2ww thing!
As for taking the year off...I disagree with your therapist in that I feel you might sink into more of a depression with less to do. I'm basing this on my own particular situation, as I wish I had gone back to work full throttle sooner. Seeing those young students with babies has to be awful and my heart goes out to you. Whatever decision you make will be the RIGHT one, so go with your gut :)
I'm sorry your therapy session was so emotional, but sometimes we just have to let it out. I had a day like that just last week...it was exhausting. And, I'm in pessimism mode right now, but trying to shake it.
Look at the positive in your life right now...you are on your way! The surgery is behind you and the scar tissue is gone...I feel so HOPEFUL for you. What you've been through has unfortunately left you in an emotionaly tough place and I'm so sorry, as I walk a similar road. HUGS sweet friend and lots of them.
xoxo Feel better soon :)
Hi Kelly. Wow. I am so sorry that you have had such a rough week. I just read your "Why" post and I was just nodding my head all the way through it with complete understanding. It's so hard to feel that way and not be able to see the end in sight. I suffered a m/c in June 08 and I swear absolutely everybody in my life was pg, friends, neighbors and even two women that I worked with. The women I worked with didn't know that I was pg, they didn't know that I m/c, they didn't know about my d&c, and they didn't know how very painful every single little conversation was about their pregnancies. It was awful and I didn't know how I could do it. I left 3 months later without another job. There were some other things involved in that decision but that certainly weighed heavily. I too can remember sobbing uncontrollably with my psychologist trying to help me work through the m/c as well as the MANY other hurdles life has thrown at me. Sadly I cannot really say anything that will make you feel better, but please know that you are not alone. You walk a path that is so familiar to so many of us. Just put your best foot forward hon and take it one day at a time. That is really all any of us can do. With regard to work, you will know when it is the right thing to do. I live by the words...when in doubt, don't. It has worked well for me and yet when I feel confident in my decision making I move quickly and really try not to second guess myself. In the meantine, just be kind to yourself. Lots of hugs!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're having such a hard time, I understand part of your feelings. I too had a VERY hard time prior to our IVF success at my current job, I'm a hospital social worker who works with only uninsured patients, you can imagine the winner parents I see on a regular basis!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have some very personal & difficult decisions to make. I pray that you make the decision that is best for you at this point in your life & brings you peace regarding your situation, keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. So sorry for the pain you're experiencing:(
Four years ago I took a leave of absence from my teaching job in March. I had gotten to the point where my depression was too much. It was eating me alive.
ReplyDeleteFirst I tried to just take three weeks off. I came back and ended up losing it. I was insanely depressed and started suffering panic attacks. So I ended up taking the rest of the year off-from March until June. I went back in September. It was embarrassing to do it. I thought that the parents of my students would be livid...But they held a party for me in June to tell me how much they missed me. None of the staff mentioned it to me when I came back. I think that most people ended up forgetting about it. Well, not forgetting about it but they were able to act normal to me and it wasn't a big deal like I thought it was going to be. I thought that so many parents would request to not be in my class the next year, but they didn't.
I told the district office that I was severely depressed. I got disability through the state.
It was the best thing that I could have done. I healed.
When I first took off I slept constantly. Then after a few months I was able to start venturing outside. Then I started eating healthily and losing weight. I stayed in therapy the entire time.
I went back to work with a renewed sense of self. I just needed time to heal.
Take time and think about your therapist's suggestion. There is no shame in doing what you need to do. If you have any questions, feel free to email me.
I'm so sorry about all this Kelly. This is such a tough thing to go through and I could understand wanting to get away. I really hope that you are able to make the decision that is best for you. Giant ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteKelly, I haven't been following you long but in this short time, you have given me, a total stranger, so much support and encouragement - even when you're going through all of this right now in your life. I pray that you will find the answers and peace that you are looking for....take care of yourself - that's the #1 thing ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteKelly - big (((hugs))) - only you know what is right for you and no need to rush into a big decision. Would it help at all to think about how rough life is going to be for these girls? And pray for them? I'm so sorry for what you're going through... and hope you find peace.
ReplyDeleteKelly I'm so sorry, this is a big decision.
ReplyDeleteWeighing what is more stressful.. money or pregnant teens. I do not envy your decision. But do what you need for your mental health. We will all be here for you.
I'm so sorry that this is what you're dealing with on top of everything else. I have to say that taking time off work was vital for me. I was at work for a week after Owen died (and after my maternity leave) but just couldn't stay. It was toxic.
ReplyDeleteI will pray that you find out what is best for you.
It may be best for you to stay home and rest and re coup and just 'be' for a while.
Thinking of you...
love,
ebe
I'm so sorry dear. Can you just take a few weeks off to see how you're doing instead of the rest of the school year?
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough one. I did take a leave once due to infertility and it did help. Maybe you can do something shorter? I know it's harder as a teacher. I hope you feel better soon, but it's true some enviornments are tougher than others for the infertile. My job was a children's therapist working with abused children. No wonder I needed to leave! I also had pregnant teenagers as well. It's all so tough. I wish you the best in figuring this all out. And no, you are not crazy. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThat is a big decision, and I can see where your therapist is coming from on this. Is there some sort of middle ground ~ maybe taking a month's leave then going back to finish off the school year so money isn't so incredibly tight? just an idea. Best of luck with your decision, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
ReplyDeleteThis is a big decision and you already know my advice about making a pros and cons list. :) But the most important thing you need to take care of right now is YOU and your emotional and mental health. You are so strong and have held it together so well, but you have to remember to take time for yourself to heal. And I'm not sure that you've really had the chance to do that. If taking a leave of absence will help, I think that's the best thing for you. You are not crazy. You are not a failure. You are only human, and you are reacting and going through the motions as any other human would.
ReplyDeleteGood luck making your decision. I know it won't be an easy one. You are always ALWAYS in my thoughts. Sending hugs your way.
I'm glad you got everything out. I'm sure that alone, will help you more than you realize. As for your decision you have to make, just go with your gut. Is there a way you could cut down your hours, or stop teaching the class that the pg teens are in? I went part time at my job & it has done wonders for me. I'm still able to make a decent salary, but I'm not always exhausted from the constant Dr.'s appts. combined with working full time.
ReplyDeletewhatever you decide, we're all behind you!
Awe hun, sending huge hugs your way!!! That is a big decision, but sounds like you're doing the right thing and thinking it over so you do whatever is best for you. I know there are days when I'd give anything not to have to go to work, or when I spend my day googling some IF related topic...but the money thing is such a kicker. Ugh, I'm sorry...and hope you find a good balance.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your post (and the one prior) in so many ways. Hoping that clarity and peace comes to you in your decision making process.
ReplyDeleteI wish it was easier. All of it.
Hugs.