That's what I'm telling myself anyway. It's a thought I've had since last July when we started TTC and it still lingers.
Truth be told, I never really wanted children. *GASP* I know, for someone who has been trying to get pregnant now for over a year, this is the unheard of. Yet, it's true.
I've never been one of those fairy tale wishing gals. You know the ones...those who always dream of this big, lavish wedding. Nope, not me. There were a total of eight people at my wedding and that was just right. No princess gown for me.
I also never really wanted to be a mommy. Sure, I played with my coveted Cabbage Patch dolls and Barbies, but not the way some little girls do. As I got older and people asked if I wanted kids, I always said "we'll see". I never really felt like I had that maternal instict that some women or girls have. Those who just love love love kids. That all changed when I met DH.
Having a child became something that DH and I wanted, together. We want to raise a child that is part of us. We want to share our love and our home with a child. We talked about all of this relatively early on in our relationship when we knew that this was it for both of us. I remember clearly saying...I've been on the pill for so long. What if all my women parts don't work? What if we can't have kids? Is that a deal-breaker? His response? No, I don't just want kids. I want to have kids with you.
Where is the answer to "Why?" Why has this happened to me? It's simple. I didn't yearn for it like many women have. We've been at this game for 15 months, which isn't all that long to women who have been trying for years and who have always, for as long as they can remember, wanted a child. It's not fair that I get to have a baby when I'm new to this wanting a baby game. Why should it come easy to me when some have wanted it desperately for so much longer?
K, I can relate so much to your experience. I never wanted children until I met Matt. Even the first 10 years we were married I held out. Then, one day I realized that I wanted kids with HIM and no one else. I've never looked back.
ReplyDeleteI hope that the sun does shine for you and Jason very soon. You deserve your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Joey broke up with his longtime girlfriend/almost fiance because she didn't want kids. And I did. Now, he's married to a woman that can't even get pregnant! It's really weird how things work. I don't understand it, and it sucks. All I can do is pray that the sun shines on you and Jason VERY soon. You deserve it!
ReplyDeletewow, that's being pretty hard on yourself...because just because you feel like you didn't want it as much as other women, that's no reason to be punished...I always used to say that my crazy and promiscuous 20's were the reason that I couldn't get PG, but it's not that at all..it's just a body that work properly.
ReplyDeleteWanting it or not wanting it before is no indicator.
I pray you get the family you dream of...soon.