From what I've read (thanks, fellow bloggers!) and from what I've gathered, it's completely normal, when on this IF/miscarriage/RPL journey to have highs and lows. Coming to this realization has helped a great deal. I was quite perplexed last week when my therapist told me everything I was feeling was normal. Um, WHAT??
I feel like that perfect sweater. You know the one. It's gorgeous. Its color just speaks to you. When you touch it, it feel amazing. When you try it on, it feels as if it was made specifically for your body. It's cozy, soft and warm and fits in just the way that it makes your hips feel spectacular. When you wear it, you feel like you do on no other day. Your hair can be uncooperative on that day. A zit? Ha! You're wearing your sweater! You feel sexy and special and want to be touched.
At some point in your glorious love affair with your sweater, you notice it. That little pull. ACK!!! You may try to cut it. You may try to do the inside-out-sleeve-shove-it-in-trick. However, it's lost a little of its luster. You're concerned when you wear it. What would you do without it? Why didn't you buy another? Could you find a replacement? You know the answer...never.
Then one day, and it could be later rather than sooner, it starts. It starts to unravel. No matter how great it once was or how desperately you try to save it, the sweater is no more.
That's how I feel. I'm not saying the sweater is me. Believe me, I'd consider myself far from gorgeous. I'm not sure if I'm referring to what was once my happy life that now has a dark cloud over it, or if it's the disillusionment I feel about my female reproductive self. Either way, it freaking SUCKS. And "freaking" isn't really the word I want to use, I'm just still minding my manners in the world of blogging. Believe me, at some point you'll think my blog should be called "sailor girl".
Just know that you have friends here that will do their best to help you mend that sweater.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
I'm sorry, Kelly. I know what you mean about highs and lows. You wake up and never know how you're going to feel that day. It's tiring, stressful, frustrating, and heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteJust remember you're not alone. ((hugs))
I'm sorry! I know the feeling of highs and lows and unraveling. Wish I could do more. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteWow! What a good analogy!
ReplyDeleteAnd curse away, sailor. Because sometimes you just gotta!
Oh, Kelly. I completely understand and, no, you are NOT alone. Somedays are harder than others and some cycles are harder than others and I really havn't been able to figure out why. But, there are sunnier days ahead, we just don't know how far, or near, thoes days are.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're feeling gloomy. I too feel like a cloud is always over me but sometime it's a really tiny see-through one. The ups and downs are unpredictable but oh so real. It will get better, or at a minimum, as my therapist says..it will be different. You deserve to feel every emotion in the book. And, swearing is just fine too :)
ReplyDeletexoxo
Hi Kelly, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. ICLW
ReplyDeletePerfect analogy. M is right, though--you have a lot of people here to help you mend that sweater. I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I hope you are feeling "up" again very soon. :)
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I just wanted to offer my own set of ((hugs)). Your sun WILL come out, you sweater WILL mend.....I know it.
ReplyDeleteHon.. we are all riding this storm out together in the fashion parade of life... you made me laugh when the doctor said that to you because with these ups and downs the last thing you feel is normal. we are here to support and cheer you on, and cheer when a new sweater emerges to replace the old one.
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