and I'm not really sure how to handle it.
You see, I have a friend, L. L and I work together and live relatively close to one another. We aren't BFFs or anything, but I work with her and enjoy spending time with her (when both of our schedules work). The thing about L is that she is one of the best listeners, ever. She has paid me the same compliment. She is a true and genuine person, which we all know are rarities in this world.
The day that I told L that I was in fact still pregnant (and that the initial u/s was just too early to see anything) she was overjoyed for me. She listened as I told her all about seeing the HB and how we thanked God that we still had our little bean.
L then said how cool it would be, us delivering together and all. WHAT?? How we'll get big bellies together and can spend time together next summer with our infants and our dogs. She has a 1 year old daughter and her and her husband officially started TTC this cycle. I introduced her to the world of OPKs. Guess they worked.
The first thought that popped in my head when she shared all this with me was...OH SHIT. What if I have a m/c again?
I can't bear to look at her. I miss her so much but I can't. I can't look at her. I can't look at her without feeling like I'm about to vomit on the spot. All I see is the hell that I'm now forced to live in. She is due a week after I would have been.
To L...please know that I love you and I miss you terribly. You deserve a better friend than I am in your life and I'm so, so sorry I'm pretty much punishing you for what I'm going through. I just hope one day you can forgive me.
This must be so hard for you to even write. I hope that L can understand where you are right now. It sounds like, from what you've written about her, that she is a good friend. A good friend will understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are loosing such a good friend. I can understand why though.
Thanks for your comment on my blog. I just read your latest entry and I want you to know how sorry I am for your losses and the impact it is having on your friendship. I know exactly what you are feeling- and how bad those feelings are. I am just so sorry that you are having to go through this. ((HUGS)) I look forward to reading more of your past entries and getting to know you.
ReplyDeleteTake care:)
Oh, Kelly. This post made me cry. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope L will understand, because you are such a good person. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI really empathize with your post. I hate what IF has done to some of my friendships and to me. It's hard to feel jealous and bitter at those who are dear to you. Know that you are not alone in this battle! I have suffered a few miscarriages as well and it's not easy to move on. Wishing you lots of love & hope. xoxo
ReplyDeleteICLW
Friendships can be so satisfying & yet so heartbreaking at the same time with IF~I wish you only the best with this friendship & your own journey!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how hard this had to be on you and L but if she listened as well as you described I am sure deep down she understands your reasoning. ((hugs)) best wishes! ~Jess
ReplyDeleteICLW
Awe I'm so sorry! I think she would hopefully understand too. And I don't think you should be too hard on yourself or feel bad. I'm so sorry you're going through this!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your situation. Thank you for writing about it and making me feel better. After my miscarriage, I told a new "friend" of mine about charting. Well, I guess it worked for her as well. Within a month, because she just announced her pregnancy a few months ago.
ReplyDeleteI was really liking her and could see totally getting to know her. But now, with her big belly, I just can't. It hurts too much.
ICLW
((hugs)) ttc really does change so many dynamics of our lives and friendships with others! sorry you are having to deal with all this!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your losses and for the difficult time you are having.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to understand what you are going through. I hope you will find peace and that your friendship can weather this storm.
ICLW
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ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having to go through this (again!). It's bad enough to have the miscarriage, but then to have a friend who is due at the same time is an experience no one should have to have. I pray you'll be able to connect with other friends IRL who may be able to give you some support and a good listening ear through this time. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThese are such familiar emotions! IF really messes with your mind! ICLW
ReplyDeleteI'm having a similar experience, though as of right now I'm still hanging on...
ReplyDeleteMy best friend is pregnant. We would have been due two weeks apart.
I love her and she is a necessary part of my life, so I'm trying to be happy for her. She is super aware of how hard this is for me, and tries to be supportive and sensitive while still trying to keep things "normal".
I'm hoping we survive this. I don't know what I'd do without her. :(
ICLW
I really feel for you, because I lost two BFF during my IF journey and it had nothing to do with them being IF or even being PG (they weren't) they just couldn't listen to me complain and be depressed anymore. I know that my life is better without them right (what kind of friends leave you when you need them most) but I miss them both, very much.
ReplyDeleteI know why are you can't be with her. I get it. If she loves you...if she knows you , she'll understand and give you the space you need...until you're ready for whatever it is you need.
*hug*
Your post gave me chills. The same exact thing happened to me with a friend. I got pregnant and two weeks later (on her first cycle) she conceived too. I lost my pregnancy soon after and though she e-mails me and stuff its just so hard. I even had to block her from my chat boxes because she would put updates on her gender ultrasound, etc and it hurt too much. I am sorry for your losses, as someone who has had a few myself, I understand your need to distance yourself. I think sometimes we have to do what we need to protect ourselves even if we wish we were stronger.
ReplyDeleteI think we can all relate to a situation with a friend like that... Sorry, it's so tough. I've lost a friend after my second miscarriage and two years of infertility, the sad part is... she still hasn't realized that she'd lost me, because she had her baby, and seems to forgot that I lost both of mine.
ReplyDeleteLadies, I just had to say thank you for sharing your stories. You have no idea how good it was to hear from you and too know that what I'm feeling others have experienced and endured, whether it be through IF and/or m/c.
ReplyDeleteKelly thank you so much for sharing your post with us because so many of us can relate to where you are right now and it sounds like you have handled this with such dignity and courage.
ReplyDeleteYou have touched me and made me not feel so alone.