These words have become my mantra. Whether I'm screaming them as I'm wailing or they're swirling around in my head as I stare off into space, they're always there.
I'm a teacher. It's my job to understand and to make others understand. I just can't grasp that there isn't an answer. I just can't grasp that after my two hysteroscopies to remove scar tissue and after identifying my Factor V and taking Loveno.x, that this pregnancy ended no differently than any of the others. I'm not talking about the finality of it either, I'm talking about the pregnancy itself. in each loss, my gestational sac keeps growing (at normal rate) but everything else is growing at a slower rate).
I hadn't asked for all of the specific tests that my RE did. I just left things in her hands. I know that she hit each of the major "categories" of problems, but that was it. Other than the Factor V, all was normal.
Now what?
I just don't understand...
How to grasp that I am .5% of the population
How my own mother is even at a loss for words
How the hurt will ever stop
How I will ever feel like myself again
How I will ever be the woman that my husband fell in love with again
How I'm supposed to want to take care of myself. Why should I when my body betrays me?
How I will ever get to the point where I can think beyond simply putting one foot in front of another
How women around me can have babies. What did they do to get so lucky?
How women can have multiple children and I can't have just one?
What I ever did to deserve this?
Kelly...I wish there were answers to those questions and I pray one day you will look back and say it was all worth it. Not sure how or why, because quite frankly, I am with you, I do not see the silver lining or how this could possibly be a good thing, now or ever.... but I pray it does. I pray you get get your happy ending. Just don't stop asking questions, getting tests and doing everything you do. Don't give up, there has got to be answers. xoxoxoxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteYou don't deserve this.
ReplyDeleteHugs. HUGS and some more HUGS.
I am so sorry.
Oh Kelly, my heart breaks for you. I HATE how similar our stories are, because it just makes it suck that much more, because I really do know what it feels like. We had lost 2 by the time I got referred to an RE, then lost another one. That was when we found out about the MTHFR (similar to Factor V, Lovonox to fix it). I thought this was going to solve the problem. That I would be 'fixed'. Sadly, we lost two more even with the Lovonox treatment, and had to make the decision to take a break for a while, for me, for our marriage, and for our sanity. Nothing makes the pain go away, it hurts every day, but slowly it goes from the sharp-take your breath away- pain, to a dull ache that always lingers. It's hard to see pregnant woman, pregnant teenagers... and even hard for me to be happy when people I know have struggled get pregnant. I often have felt 'broken', my sole purpose as a woman is to bare children, and I can't even do that... It's so hard, but know, that slowly, the pain heals, even if you don't have answers, it slowly fades. It doesn't become as raw. Many hugs to you and your husband. I'd like to send you a little something if you don't mind... my email is lovemarriagecarriage (at) gmail (dot) com. Just a small token that has helped me through the losses.
ReplyDeleteYou don't deserve this. No one does, but especially not you. Love you, Kelly.
ReplyDeleteNo one deserves this. It's not fair. It sucks. I hate it. I hate that you are going through this again and especially with no answers. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any magical answer that will tell you why or lessen your pain and for that I am sorry as well. I hope you can take some time and heal and maybe find some answers. But most of all, you are not worthless or useless. You are such a strong person and you don't even realize it. I'm sending you a big (((hug)) and I hope that things get a little better for you each day.
ReplyDeleteI'm crying reading this. Kelly, I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. I am thinking of you and sending you hugs. I wish there was something more that I could do...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You don't deserve this - at all. I don't know what to say, except to say I'm thinking of you today...
ReplyDeleteI wish there were answers to all your questions. I wish that no woman should suffer this way. And I wish there was something I could say to comfort you. I'll keep you in my prayers ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI have no words to offer... only ((hugs)) and prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh Kelly,
ReplyDelete((Hugs)). I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so completely and totally unfair. Your post struck a nerve with me because I have thought the exact same things so many times.
Wishing you peace and strength for the days ahead.
It is completely unfair and you truly don't deserve this. Nothing else I can say but I'm sending you all my love and support. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI don't have any words. I am so truly sorry for your loss. It is unfair and very undeserved. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair, and I wish I had some words to help alleviate some of this intense grief- but I don't, I'm here for you though.
ReplyDeleteI had every testing possible after my third loss, I have never made it to a heart beat... hell, I never made it to a yolk sac. They just stop. All that testing and all they can tell me is that I should try x. y, z- this could have contributed, but we don't know. This might have, but we don't know if it did. It's disheartening and it makes the future so unstable because you just don't know what to do next- what if it works? what if it doesn't?
And overlying it all is this grief and constant mourning for what you've lost.
I have no words, but I understand and I am sorry for what you are going through. And I wish it were otherwise for you, I truly truly do. I will continue keeping you in my thoughts- Many (*HUGS*)
I wish I had answers for you. I wish I could make this all go away. But I can tell you this much--you didn't do anything to deserve this.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
You did nothing to deserve this. I'm not sure if life would be better or worse if we got what we deserved, but I know that with things like this, we don't. I wish I had more comfort to give you, but I think we're all at as much of a loss as you are. But we're with you in spirit.
ReplyDeleteI wish you had answers. God Kelly, I wish I did.
ReplyDeleteI can never understand what you are experiencing and I wish upon all else you didn't have this unbearable pain.
You don't deserve to live this way. It's unimaginably sad.
xxoo (((((HUGS))))))
You definitely don't deserve this. I'm so sorry... big huge (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteOh hon, I am so very sorry. It just isn't fair and I wish I could relieve some of your pain.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Kelly. You definitely don't deserve it at all. I wish you had answers, and wish things were completely different. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteWords cannot express how sorry I am, and how much my heart is breaking for you. You don't deserve this pain, you're in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. Life is can just be so unfair.
ReplyDeletexoxo
ReplyDelete*tears* My heart aches for you....and I understand every "how and why". Just wish I had answers for you. Take some time to review things with your Dr. when you can talk it through. Then, go forward, as that is all that we can do is to go forward. It's not easy, but we keep walking.
Know that I'm lifting you and your hubby up in prayer.
Much Love
xo
Kelly, my heart is breaking for you.
ReplyDeleteYou did NOT do anything to deserve this. It is NOT your fault. You need to allow yourself time to get through the next few days and then to heal. Be kind to yourself.
I have asked myself the same questions over and over. I don't know the answers. It is completely unfair. I am in the 0.001% and it is extremely difficult.
I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts and hugs. If you ever want to talk you can feel free to email me at conceivablefuture at gmail dot com.
Take care.
I'm so sorry. :( I think the hardest part is how incomprehensible it is when there are no answers.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
{{{hugs}}}
I am so very sorry. As a fellow RPLer, I know this heartache only too well, and I wish you didn't know it, too. I am thinking of you and your angels.
ReplyDeleteAfter 7 miscarriages, we did IVF with PGD to have our son. Is that something you have discussed with your RE?
I'm so sorry. There aren't good words for this, because it sucks and it's not fair. *hug* You have every right to feel how you're feeling right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you a hundred bearhugs, Kelly. I wish there were something - anything - that could make this easier for you.
ReplyDeleteI know these feelings so well. There is no good reason we are going through this. I always thought that things were supposed to make sense, but any way you look at it, infertility and loss just don't. I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. It's not fair, it's not right, and it just plain sucks.
ReplyDeleteHi Kelly,
ReplyDeletehere from ICLW, I am so sorry you are trapped in this awful nightmare. I know that it is so hard to see why this keeps happening, and I wish I had some answers to give. All I can offer is some huge virtual (((HUGS)))
Take care
My heart is breaking for you, Kelly. You are going through something incredibly unfair, and incredibly hurtful. I wish there would be something I could do for you more than ensuring you about my loving support. P&PT's for you.
ReplyDeleteKelly, you DON'T deserve this and nothing about it is fair. I'm praying that you find a way to get through this. I know you will.
ReplyDeletelove and ((hugs))!
No one should have to go through this. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteICLW
You didn't do anything to deserve this. I pray your road ahead is filled with answers, peace and love.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had answers for you, to help. All I know is that I'm slowly rising out of the other side, and your post touched me deeply, back in that dark, dark place I've lived for a long time. I get it. THese ARE questions, all of them, that deserve answers. There should be some somewhere. All I know is that I hope for you, even now when you can't see it for the burden of deep sorrow on your whole being, that someday you will see, maybe not completely, but even the slight hint of understanding that will give you peace.
ReplyDeleteIt's a process. One of the big steps for me in rising out of it has been to stop asking "why?" and trying to make sense of it all. I still get really p!ssed at times, even now, when in the end I've really been blessed with so much although in different ways than I ever expected, because I feel betrayed by the bigger world, most notably in the failure of my body to do what it is supposed to do. And I want to understand but there was no relief til I set aside that desire and made room for a different something, and there I founda hint of joy, just by letting go.
This is not something you should expect or feel pressured to do. It took me what seemed like forever to even begin hoping for something other than darkness and struggle. But it is possible... and I am hoping that for you.
Just so you know (and not that it matters since a stranger is telling you this), if you need to hear this... you DO NOT deserve this. And you did not do anything that would make this happen. My heart breaks with you as I feel the weight you carry...it is vivid in your writing. All I know to do in the end is hope for strength to get through it, and peace and joy in the end, regardless of whether you understand it or not.
(((((((hugs)))))))) for it all...
Tammy
Here from ICLW, and so glad I found you...
I am here from the roundup and so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI hate coming to read about something that is yours and not mine, not having been here before and not knowing what to say.
Except that you don't deserve this, you deserve to be a mommy. You are a good , kind, wonderful person and I hope that you can find some peace soon. My heart is breaking for you.