I have never known a more supportive group of people, truly. I am touched by the outpouring of support that I've received during the nightmare that I've been living and I can't even begin to say thank you enough. (((HUGS)))
1. Yesterday after the u/s showed that nothing had grown since last Thursday (so I was lucky enough to time it right for Mr SC to see the hb? Gee, thanks), we talked about my options. My RE does not want me to have a D&E because of my scar tissue, but she says it's up to me. I opted no. I'm going to give my body until next Monday to see if anything happens naturally. If it doesn't, then I'll go into the office for cytot.ec to be administered. I was going to do that this coming Monday, but I don't want to put my body through more shit. I also was dreading going into the office two mornings in a row to have things taken care of.
2. In light of the above, I talked to my principal and have pushed back my return date to 5/17. I was planning on going back to school next week. When I told Mr SC that, he looked at me like I was losing my marbles. He said was I 100% sure I could handle it and what happened if something happened while I was in school? So, I'm staying home. That will give me a week after the cytote.c, if it's necessary. **I realize that this is a luxury that many people don't have...to have such an understanding boss, to have the days to take, etc. I haven't been "ok" in a long time and I'm trying to do everything I can to get there.
3. We're taking a break until at least the fall. We're planning on going to the Redsk.ins/Col.ts football game in October (Mr SC loves the 'Skins and I'm a huge Colt.s fan, so it's our joint birthday presents to each other) and I'm thinking after then, maybe we'll start. I want the time to feel ok again. That may seem like a random benchmark, but I want to time to have fun and not worry about any of this shit, if at all possible. That would mean I'll be 37 when we start TTC again.
4. I'm going to see a different type of doctor for a 2nd opinion. My RE yesterday said that she was going to review everything, but she was 99% sure she ran all tests possible. I'm going to schedule a follow-up with her, too. I don't think I had a biopsy of my endometrium and I want to ask about the immunology testing I had done. To me, there has to be a problem. Three of my four losses were pretty much the same. Last May, 5w6d. Last October, 6wd2, measuring behind, after a hb. This time? 6w5d, after a hb. That just seems odd. This time, the Loven.ox didn't make a hill of beans of a difference, either.
5. The new type of doc is a MFM specialist (maternal fetal medicine). They manage high risk pregnancies and many practices help women with multiple losses before trying again. I'd like to see what he has to say.
We're getting away this weekend. My husband's family has a cabin and we're taking the dogs. I'm really looking forward to enjoying the nice weather and hiking with the dogs.
Thanks again to all of you. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
No More Roller Coaster
Thank god. I always hated those damn things, whether they be the actual amusement park ride or this shit I've been living with for the last few weeks.
No heartbeat. No growth. It's over.
No heartbeat. No growth. It's over.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I Guess I Have to Deal With It
No more "playing" the role of housewife. I looked at the clock a little while ago and realized at this time tomorrow, I'll have a better idea of what's going on.
Tomorrow.
I've been doing the best I can at blocking it out of my mind so I can function like a normal person. I go back and forth though when thoughts do enter my head. Sometimes, I really think who the hell am I kidding?? There's NO WAY this can work out. My dates can't work out.
Then there are other times I think that it can. I'm not spotting anymore at all and I'm feeling different than I have before in my abdomen. Of course, this could mean nothing.
I still haven't decided if I'm going to look at the screen or not.
My worst case scenario? That there will still be a heartbeat, but one that is much, much too slow for it to be viable. They won't treat me for a m/c if there's still a HB, even if it's not a viable pregnancy.
And if it's bad news? The next steps care the shit out of me.
Tomorrow.
I've been doing the best I can at blocking it out of my mind so I can function like a normal person. I go back and forth though when thoughts do enter my head. Sometimes, I really think who the hell am I kidding?? There's NO WAY this can work out. My dates can't work out.
Then there are other times I think that it can. I'm not spotting anymore at all and I'm feeling different than I have before in my abdomen. Of course, this could mean nothing.
I still haven't decided if I'm going to look at the screen or not.
My worst case scenario? That there will still be a heartbeat, but one that is much, much too slow for it to be viable. They won't treat me for a m/c if there's still a HB, even if it's not a viable pregnancy.
And if it's bad news? The next steps care the shit out of me.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tonight, I Will Dance with my Husband.
This was the one thing I was looking forward to the most this weekend, as selfish as it may sound. I couldn't wait to dance with Mr SC. As odd as this will sound, there weren't any slow songs played at the wedding while we were there this weekend. I was beyond disappointed.
Mr SC and I have been together a little over three years. We got married in a small ceremony, had a dinner for our guests and left for our honeymoon. We had a party a month later but it wasn't with a DJ, dancing, etc. This was the first wedding we've been to since we've been together, so the opportunity never really presented itself.
I'll know if my little bean still has a strong heartbeat in 2 1/2 days. Until then, I'm doing everything I can do go about life as normal, as bizarre as that may sound. I went grocery shopping today and I'm making something new for dinner.
And then, as cheesy as this may sound, I'll put on music for us and at some point, I'll get to dance with my husband. We'll both be in sweats in our living room with one of our dogs barking (she always does when we hug each other) but we'll get to have that moment. Somehow, even in the middle of all this pain and what we've endured, his arms are still what make me feel safe. I'm so thankful to have him and our marriage. It's not perfect, but we're committed to not letting all this rip us apart. So, in the midst of all of this, I'm making a happy memory.
Mr SC and I have been together a little over three years. We got married in a small ceremony, had a dinner for our guests and left for our honeymoon. We had a party a month later but it wasn't with a DJ, dancing, etc. This was the first wedding we've been to since we've been together, so the opportunity never really presented itself.
I'll know if my little bean still has a strong heartbeat in 2 1/2 days. Until then, I'm doing everything I can do go about life as normal, as bizarre as that may sound. I went grocery shopping today and I'm making something new for dinner.
And then, as cheesy as this may sound, I'll put on music for us and at some point, I'll get to dance with my husband. We'll both be in sweats in our living room with one of our dogs barking (she always does when we hug each other) but we'll get to have that moment. Somehow, even in the middle of all this pain and what we've endured, his arms are still what make me feel safe. I'm so thankful to have him and our marriage. It's not perfect, but we're committed to not letting all this rip us apart. So, in the midst of all of this, I'm making a happy memory.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I'm Back
We got home a little while ago from my aunt's wedding. It's so good to see her so happy and everything went well. She's heading to the Outer Banks for her honeymoon and taking her pooch, too!
Some things from the weekend:
1. It was nice to feel normal again, even if it was only for a couple of days. I just kept thinking, I don't know what's going to happen with this pregnancy, but please let me get through this weekend without incident. I must have gone to the bathroom 100 times, because I was so afraid things would happen. Nothing did. No spotting, nothing. A HUGE sigh of relief.
2. It was great to see my mom and she felt better seeing me too, that I was really functional and wasn't curled up in a ball, sobbing.
3. DH and I had time to talk in the car. No escaping there, huh? If this time doesn't work out, we're taking a break. Not the two month break either but a half decent break break. Six months? Until the end of the year? I don't know, but for a while. For my own body and for my own sanity we need to do this.
4. We're going to look into a second opinion if things don't work out. My RE (and I know others, too) in my situation feel like all testing has been done and the only option is to try naturally. Others feel like IVF with PGD is the way to go. Either way, we're going to be saving money like crazy.
So that's that. Three and a half more days.
Some things from the weekend:
1. It was nice to feel normal again, even if it was only for a couple of days. I just kept thinking, I don't know what's going to happen with this pregnancy, but please let me get through this weekend without incident. I must have gone to the bathroom 100 times, because I was so afraid things would happen. Nothing did. No spotting, nothing. A HUGE sigh of relief.
2. It was great to see my mom and she felt better seeing me too, that I was really functional and wasn't curled up in a ball, sobbing.
3. DH and I had time to talk in the car. No escaping there, huh? If this time doesn't work out, we're taking a break. Not the two month break either but a half decent break break. Six months? Until the end of the year? I don't know, but for a while. For my own body and for my own sanity we need to do this.
4. We're going to look into a second opinion if things don't work out. My RE (and I know others, too) in my situation feel like all testing has been done and the only option is to try naturally. Others feel like IVF with PGD is the way to go. Either way, we're going to be saving money like crazy.
So that's that. Three and a half more days.
Friday, April 23, 2010
One Day at a Time
Yesterday I spent too much time with Dr. Goog.le and a calendar, trying to figure out if this is even possible. My RE told me if my dates are off, then it is. It would seem far-fetched and there are too many "ifs" for my liking, but I've come to the conclusion that it could be possible (a +OPK but I didn't O until later and a super, super early HPT). Not very likely at all (I think my odds are better to win the lottery), but still within the realm of possibilities.
So for now, I am pregnant. For now, I have hope.
As twisted as this may sound, I'm glad I didn't see the heartbeat. Seeing that flicker on the screen in October was too much for me. Knowing that I had a heart inside of me that stopped beating was all the more difficult to grasp with that image seared in my memory.
I've decided to still stay home from work. My principal has been so understanding and generous. There's a good sub in and I although I could have gone in Mon-Wed, my mind is such mush right now that I wouldn't want to call off if I was having problems. I'm also able to go into my RE any day if I start spotting again.
I'm trying to let it go, at least for this weekend. My aunt is getting married. This may not sound like anything extraordinary, but for her, it is. She and I used to be extremely close but after battling drug addiction for many years, she lost everything...her home, her pets and even her children. She has been sober for ten years now and is now working as a counselor for a rehab facility. I am so proud of her and am so happy for her. She's 54 years old and has said that she finally has her happy ending. I'm leaving all of my shit behind for the weekend and celebrating her.
So for now, I am pregnant. For now, I have hope.
As twisted as this may sound, I'm glad I didn't see the heartbeat. Seeing that flicker on the screen in October was too much for me. Knowing that I had a heart inside of me that stopped beating was all the more difficult to grasp with that image seared in my memory.
I've decided to still stay home from work. My principal has been so understanding and generous. There's a good sub in and I although I could have gone in Mon-Wed, my mind is such mush right now that I wouldn't want to call off if I was having problems. I'm also able to go into my RE any day if I start spotting again.
I'm trying to let it go, at least for this weekend. My aunt is getting married. This may not sound like anything extraordinary, but for her, it is. She and I used to be extremely close but after battling drug addiction for many years, she lost everything...her home, her pets and even her children. She has been sober for ten years now and is now working as a counselor for a rehab facility. I am so proud of her and am so happy for her. She's 54 years old and has said that she finally has her happy ending. I'm leaving all of my shit behind for the weekend and celebrating her.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up
Disclaimer: This post will contain profanities.
Never in a million years could I make this shit up.
We get to my RE's office today at 8am. She wants to do an ultrasound to confirm that things are over.
I take off my glasses and lay back. I am not interested in seeing anything on the screen. My doctor asks me if I want to know things as she goes or at the end. I tell her whatever is easier for her.
After a few minutes she says, "Joanie, did you see that?" Joanie is her nurse. She says yes and apparently my husband did too. I'm thinking, what the fuck?
Joanie starts rubbing my leg.
After a few seconds, my RE asks me if I can hold my breath for 30 seconds. Um, sure. After about 10 seconds, she tells me there is a heartbeat. She said though that she couldn't measure how fast it was but that it was a normal heartbeat. I had stopped holding my breath.
I get dressed and go back over to the room to talk to her.
She tells me that it could still go either way.
WHAT????!!!!
I am in shock. She says that looking at my scan from last Thursday to this Thursday, that she's seeing appropriate growth and that everything looked good, if you don't consider my dates. I ask her how it can be off when I use OPKs and got a positive. She said well, you had surgery the cycle before. Sometimes that causes strange things to happen.
WHAT?!?!?
All I know is this. I got a +HPT on March 22nd. I'm not sure how off things could be. Based on the fetal pole length, I'm 6w5d. Based on the +OPK, I'd be 8 weeks today.
So I get to wait until next Thursday. I love my RE. She apologized profusely and said that she wishes there were something that she could do for me. She explained she didn't want to give me false hope, but that this isn't over.
This is exactly what happened last October when I miscarried. Exactly.
Never in a million years could I make this shit up.
We get to my RE's office today at 8am. She wants to do an ultrasound to confirm that things are over.
I take off my glasses and lay back. I am not interested in seeing anything on the screen. My doctor asks me if I want to know things as she goes or at the end. I tell her whatever is easier for her.
After a few minutes she says, "Joanie, did you see that?" Joanie is her nurse. She says yes and apparently my husband did too. I'm thinking, what the fuck?
Joanie starts rubbing my leg.
After a few seconds, my RE asks me if I can hold my breath for 30 seconds. Um, sure. After about 10 seconds, she tells me there is a heartbeat. She said though that she couldn't measure how fast it was but that it was a normal heartbeat. I had stopped holding my breath.
I get dressed and go back over to the room to talk to her.
She tells me that it could still go either way.
WHAT????!!!!
I am in shock. She says that looking at my scan from last Thursday to this Thursday, that she's seeing appropriate growth and that everything looked good, if you don't consider my dates. I ask her how it can be off when I use OPKs and got a positive. She said well, you had surgery the cycle before. Sometimes that causes strange things to happen.
WHAT?!?!?
All I know is this. I got a +HPT on March 22nd. I'm not sure how off things could be. Based on the fetal pole length, I'm 6w5d. Based on the +OPK, I'd be 8 weeks today.
So I get to wait until next Thursday. I love my RE. She apologized profusely and said that she wishes there were something that she could do for me. She explained she didn't want to give me false hope, but that this isn't over.
This is exactly what happened last October when I miscarried. Exactly.
It's About That Time
First, if you're stopping by from ICLW, welcome. I really struggled with whether I wanted to participate or not this time around, considering I just found out about non-viable pregnancy #4. However, I have *met* so many wonderful people through ICLW that I felt it was important, and perhaps almost necessary, to try to deal with all of this.
I've been awake since 3:45 am. I'm seeing my RE this morning at 8. I am really, really hoping there is some way I can have a procedure so that I don't have to do this at home. It just seems so different to stay home and have me deliberately do something to cause my pregnancy to end. I know, the medication comes from a doctor, etc. but I'm really struggling with this.
I'm also not sure how much of a conversation I want to have with her about what next at this point. I think I may ask the very open-ended, "where do we go from here?" but that's it. I think discussing everything else today may just be enough for me.
Thank you so much to all of you who've stopped by to offer support. Your words offer a great deal of comfort to me and for that, I'm grateful.
I've been awake since 3:45 am. I'm seeing my RE this morning at 8. I am really, really hoping there is some way I can have a procedure so that I don't have to do this at home. It just seems so different to stay home and have me deliberately do something to cause my pregnancy to end. I know, the medication comes from a doctor, etc. but I'm really struggling with this.
I'm also not sure how much of a conversation I want to have with her about what next at this point. I think I may ask the very open-ended, "where do we go from here?" but that's it. I think discussing everything else today may just be enough for me.
Thank you so much to all of you who've stopped by to offer support. Your words offer a great deal of comfort to me and for that, I'm grateful.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I Just Don't Understand
These words have become my mantra. Whether I'm screaming them as I'm wailing or they're swirling around in my head as I stare off into space, they're always there.
I'm a teacher. It's my job to understand and to make others understand. I just can't grasp that there isn't an answer. I just can't grasp that after my two hysteroscopies to remove scar tissue and after identifying my Factor V and taking Loveno.x, that this pregnancy ended no differently than any of the others. I'm not talking about the finality of it either, I'm talking about the pregnancy itself. in each loss, my gestational sac keeps growing (at normal rate) but everything else is growing at a slower rate).
I hadn't asked for all of the specific tests that my RE did. I just left things in her hands. I know that she hit each of the major "categories" of problems, but that was it. Other than the Factor V, all was normal.
Now what?
I just don't understand...
How to grasp that I am .5% of the population
How my own mother is even at a loss for words
How the hurt will ever stop
How I will ever feel like myself again
How I will ever be the woman that my husband fell in love with again
How I'm supposed to want to take care of myself. Why should I when my body betrays me?
How I will ever get to the point where I can think beyond simply putting one foot in front of another
How women around me can have babies. What did they do to get so lucky?
How women can have multiple children and I can't have just one?
What I ever did to deserve this?
I'm a teacher. It's my job to understand and to make others understand. I just can't grasp that there isn't an answer. I just can't grasp that after my two hysteroscopies to remove scar tissue and after identifying my Factor V and taking Loveno.x, that this pregnancy ended no differently than any of the others. I'm not talking about the finality of it either, I'm talking about the pregnancy itself. in each loss, my gestational sac keeps growing (at normal rate) but everything else is growing at a slower rate).
I hadn't asked for all of the specific tests that my RE did. I just left things in her hands. I know that she hit each of the major "categories" of problems, but that was it. Other than the Factor V, all was normal.
Now what?
I just don't understand...
How to grasp that I am .5% of the population
How my own mother is even at a loss for words
How the hurt will ever stop
How I will ever feel like myself again
How I will ever be the woman that my husband fell in love with again
How I'm supposed to want to take care of myself. Why should I when my body betrays me?
How I will ever get to the point where I can think beyond simply putting one foot in front of another
How women around me can have babies. What did they do to get so lucky?
How women can have multiple children and I can't have just one?
What I ever did to deserve this?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
My Worst Fear
This is an absolute nightmare. After a week of limbo, I went in for another u/s this morning after I was spotting more on Sunday. I'm measuring a week behind, with no heartbeat. It's over.
I just can't believe this is happening. I can't believe that the Loveno.x and the removal of the scar tissue didn't help. I can't believe that this pregnancy was just like all the others...the gestational sac is growing great but everything else is growing, but very, very slowly.
I'm going back on Thursday to see my doctor and talk about what next. I can't have a D&C because of my issue with scar tissue. I'm also investigating taking a leave of absence with work for the rest of the year. It's just too much.
The worst part? And gosh, there's just so much pain but what makes it unbearable is knowing how much this is hurting my husband and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've never felt so worthless, helpless and useless in my entire life.
I just can't believe this is happening. I can't believe that the Loveno.x and the removal of the scar tissue didn't help. I can't believe that this pregnancy was just like all the others...the gestational sac is growing great but everything else is growing, but very, very slowly.
I'm going back on Thursday to see my doctor and talk about what next. I can't have a D&C because of my issue with scar tissue. I'm also investigating taking a leave of absence with work for the rest of the year. It's just too much.
The worst part? And gosh, there's just so much pain but what makes it unbearable is knowing how much this is hurting my husband and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've never felt so worthless, helpless and useless in my entire life.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Keeping My Mind Busy
So I finally got back to school (work) today. I was just a wreck this week. I made a positive/negative list to stare at when I got myself worked up or when I consulted Dr. Googl.e for too long. Pretty much the only thing that was on the negative side is the spotting (that happened two times) and there was an answer for what it could have been caused by. I also wish we would have seen a definite fetal pole or a clear heartbeat (gosh, why didn't I think to ask my RE when she said I'm not able to detect a "clear" heartbeat. Does that mean she thinks it's there?) but I know that it's still ok that they didn't.
I do have a question for you which is completely non-TTC related...
This will sound random, but I was sitting outside on our swing on our deck with Mr SC and our dogs. We have an acre or so of land and a neighbor next to us (not on top of us and separated by our detached garage). On the other side of that neighbor is a man who owns land who is trying to do stuff with it (so, this is quite a bit away). No fences.
Now, I've only been doing this country livin' thing for three years or so. I'm a city girl at heart so this is why I'm asking...
Dude just walked into our yard and started talking to us (we know him by name, but not well at all). Is this customary? Isn't there an unspoken "invisible" fence of sorts? Or, am I just minding my personal space too much when I was used to concrete, paved roads and avoiding eye contact with people at all costs?
I do have a question for you which is completely non-TTC related...
This will sound random, but I was sitting outside on our swing on our deck with Mr SC and our dogs. We have an acre or so of land and a neighbor next to us (not on top of us and separated by our detached garage). On the other side of that neighbor is a man who owns land who is trying to do stuff with it (so, this is quite a bit away). No fences.
Now, I've only been doing this country livin' thing for three years or so. I'm a city girl at heart so this is why I'm asking...
Dude just walked into our yard and started talking to us (we know him by name, but not well at all). Is this customary? Isn't there an unspoken "invisible" fence of sorts? Or, am I just minding my personal space too much when I was used to concrete, paved roads and avoiding eye contact with people at all costs?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
How in the Hell Am I Supposed to Do This?
Yesterday I kept myself occupied with Mr SC. We both talked about not getting our hopes up with all of this. Last night though I pointed out that's exactly what we were doing. And we are. How can we not?
The worst part of this hellish roller coaster is that we went through something very similar with my last m/c, before I started blogging. Perhaps at some point I'll blog about that.
I'm a high school teacher and have been out this year more days than I'd like to count. The miscarriage last fall and the two hysteroscopies alone totaled up many days. I had told two friends at work about the ER visit and what the doctor said. I had called off through Thursday of this week. Yesterday, however, I let them know I would be back today. So much for that.
How in the hell am I supposed to function for a week, like a normal person? Like a person who wasn't told I was losing yet another baby and then told wait, no, things are looking good. Seriously. How am I supposed to wrap my head around that?
I made it halfway to work and got so sick to my stomach. I got to school and tried to sift through the notes and work on my desk and couldn't even see straight. I left.
I feel like such a colossal failure. I'm letting down my principal, who has been more than understanding. How much more patience can he have left for me? I'm letting down my students, who have yet another sub. I'm letting down my husband, as I sit here on the couch. I'm letting down my future child (if I ever actually give birth) because every day I stay home because I'm mentally unstable is another day that they will have to be in daycare. Most of all, I'm letting down myself. I was doing so well with this pregnancy and now this. The worst part is is I feel like this is all my fault. I have the power to stop all this. I have the power to put an end to me being an unreliable employee. I have the power to be a better teacher, a better friend and a better wife. I just need to stop trying to have a child.
The worst part of this hellish roller coaster is that we went through something very similar with my last m/c, before I started blogging. Perhaps at some point I'll blog about that.
I'm a high school teacher and have been out this year more days than I'd like to count. The miscarriage last fall and the two hysteroscopies alone totaled up many days. I had told two friends at work about the ER visit and what the doctor said. I had called off through Thursday of this week. Yesterday, however, I let them know I would be back today. So much for that.
How in the hell am I supposed to function for a week, like a normal person? Like a person who wasn't told I was losing yet another baby and then told wait, no, things are looking good. Seriously. How am I supposed to wrap my head around that?
I made it halfway to work and got so sick to my stomach. I got to school and tried to sift through the notes and work on my desk and couldn't even see straight. I left.
I feel like such a colossal failure. I'm letting down my principal, who has been more than understanding. How much more patience can he have left for me? I'm letting down my students, who have yet another sub. I'm letting down my husband, as I sit here on the couch. I'm letting down my future child (if I ever actually give birth) because every day I stay home because I'm mentally unstable is another day that they will have to be in daycare. Most of all, I'm letting down myself. I was doing so well with this pregnancy and now this. The worst part is is I feel like this is all my fault. I have the power to stop all this. I have the power to put an end to me being an unreliable employee. I have the power to be a better teacher, a better friend and a better wife. I just need to stop trying to have a child.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Twisted Games
I was going to title my post "Major Mindf*ck", but I thought I'd tone it down a bit.
So I got in with my regular RE today and she did a scan.
Long story short? She said that the ER doctor didn't know what they were talking about and aren't used to doing scans like this. She was disgusted that they told me I was measuring 5w because she said that isn't the case.
That based on my u/s from last Thursday to today's u/s, that everything looked normal and she feels things are progressing normally (including my HCG).
She also didn't give me specific weeks/days for measurements. She said that they go more by measurements from scan to scan to detect if normal growth is taking place. She still was not able to see a HB, but she said she believes she saw a fetal pole but it was small and tough to tell.
So, based on the numbers she gave me, I'm right around the normal range (for yolk sac/gestational sac growth).
She said I can go in this Thursday for another scan but that she still won't be 100% comfortable by that date saying it's a non-viable pregnancy if there isn't a HB. She suggested I wait until the following Thursday, all the while saying that she knew how tough this would be for me.
I'm waiting for next Thursday. She said by then, without a doubt, there would be an answer.
All of what she said, she was basing on my LMP dating of 7w1d, which isn't correct. She said based on my +OPK, I'm either 6w5d today or 6w6d today.
I asked her about the spotting. She said it could be from abrasions or somewhere else but that she saw no indication of bleeding from inside my uterus.
I am indifferent at this point. No, that's not the best way to say it. Numb. Numb is more like it. It's better than uncontrollably sobbing, though.
I just don't know what to think or feel or believe. My game plan though of buying a great bottle of wine on the way home today and forgetting the rest of the afternoon significantly changed, though.
So I got in with my regular RE today and she did a scan.
Long story short? She said that the ER doctor didn't know what they were talking about and aren't used to doing scans like this. She was disgusted that they told me I was measuring 5w because she said that isn't the case.
That based on my u/s from last Thursday to today's u/s, that everything looked normal and she feels things are progressing normally (including my HCG).
She also didn't give me specific weeks/days for measurements. She said that they go more by measurements from scan to scan to detect if normal growth is taking place. She still was not able to see a HB, but she said she believes she saw a fetal pole but it was small and tough to tell.
So, based on the numbers she gave me, I'm right around the normal range (for yolk sac/gestational sac growth).
She said I can go in this Thursday for another scan but that she still won't be 100% comfortable by that date saying it's a non-viable pregnancy if there isn't a HB. She suggested I wait until the following Thursday, all the while saying that she knew how tough this would be for me.
I'm waiting for next Thursday. She said by then, without a doubt, there would be an answer.
All of what she said, she was basing on my LMP dating of 7w1d, which isn't correct. She said based on my +OPK, I'm either 6w5d today or 6w6d today.
I asked her about the spotting. She said it could be from abrasions or somewhere else but that she saw no indication of bleeding from inside my uterus.
I am indifferent at this point. No, that's not the best way to say it. Numb. Numb is more like it. It's better than uncontrollably sobbing, though.
I just don't know what to think or feel or believe. My game plan though of buying a great bottle of wine on the way home today and forgetting the rest of the afternoon significantly changed, though.
Monday, April 12, 2010
No Dice
Apparently after four pregnancies, I still have yet to master the art of staying pregnant.
I just got home from a 5.5 hour ER visit. I'm a week and a half behind and my HCG is nowhere near where it should be.
Miscarriage #4 is right around the corner. I was supposed to be fixed. I'm no closer than I am to a sticky bean than I was a year ago.
I just got home from a 5.5 hour ER visit. I'm a week and a half behind and my HCG is nowhere near where it should be.
Miscarriage #4 is right around the corner. I was supposed to be fixed. I'm no closer than I am to a sticky bean than I was a year ago.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Good?
This was the oddest u/s I've ever had.
In previous pregnancies (and at two different u/s places), it was about 20 minutes or so, with about 100 pictures. You could also see measurements on the screen (either size or dates).
Today, the RE came in (not my usual one) and said that the's looking for a gestational sac and a yolk sac. I asked about a HB. He said no, don't expect to see that, that he would like to but it could very well be too early and not to panic if we don't.
The whole thing lasted for three or so minutes and he took five pictures. No measurements on the screen at all. He also didn't zoom in. The last time there was a HB detected, it was only done after the tech had zoomed in.
So, we saw the yolk sac and he said everything looked good.
That was it. He wants me to come back in a week for another. He said at 7 weeks, they should definitely be able to see a HB.
I guess I am with him telling me things are good. He was the RE who I saw for my 2nd HCG draw that said that my first level looked good but with my history, he's not going to paint a rosy picture for me because I know how quickly things can go wrong.
I then called my friend who had went to him exclusively. She said she remembers him being the same way and not saying much specifically.
What do you think? I'm a freaking mess even though I'm trying not to be. Dr. Google seems to think it's just fine at 6w1d to not see a HB yet.
In previous pregnancies (and at two different u/s places), it was about 20 minutes or so, with about 100 pictures. You could also see measurements on the screen (either size or dates).
Today, the RE came in (not my usual one) and said that the's looking for a gestational sac and a yolk sac. I asked about a HB. He said no, don't expect to see that, that he would like to but it could very well be too early and not to panic if we don't.
The whole thing lasted for three or so minutes and he took five pictures. No measurements on the screen at all. He also didn't zoom in. The last time there was a HB detected, it was only done after the tech had zoomed in.
So, we saw the yolk sac and he said everything looked good.
That was it. He wants me to come back in a week for another. He said at 7 weeks, they should definitely be able to see a HB.
I guess I am with him telling me things are good. He was the RE who I saw for my 2nd HCG draw that said that my first level looked good but with my history, he's not going to paint a rosy picture for me because I know how quickly things can go wrong.
I then called my friend who had went to him exclusively. She said she remembers him being the same way and not saying much specifically.
What do you think? I'm a freaking mess even though I'm trying not to be. Dr. Google seems to think it's just fine at 6w1d to not see a HB yet.
T-Minus 3 Hours...
I can't sleep.
I've been up since 4.
I've been playing Bejewel.ed Blitz on FB (doesn't sit well with trying to relax and get back to sleep.)
I can't believe it's almost time.
It's probably going to take a quadruple does (yes, I'm serious) of Immodi.um to even get me there.
Every other u/s in my history hasn't been good. Well, the docs may have said that some of them were, but I was always a day or two behind. Well within the margin of error is what they would tell me. In the pit of my stomach though, I was always fearful.
My worst case scenario here for this morning? That I'm measuring a bit behind and there's no HB detected. This happened to me the last time at 6w2d. I was measuring 6w and there wasn't a HB. My doc told me it was over. A day later, we saw the HB. The woman at the u/s facility that day (who did my follow-up scan) had told me that so early on, many times the machines in offices aren't as sophisticated to pick up a HB yet.
So that's my fear. That I'll be sent into limbo for a week.
You may think that's odd. With my history, wouldn't having another m/c be the worst? Yes, in the long run. However, a mind fuck of a week of limbo will be too much for me.
I am just hoping beyond hope that this is it. I feel silly almost saying this, but I just have a feeling that this time, it's different and it will be ok. I'm a worrier by nature though, so I wouldn't expect anything different from me.
Your encouragement over the last few days has been so helpful to me. I hope you can stop by later and read my happy follow-up post.
I've been up since 4.
I've been playing Bejewel.ed Blitz on FB (doesn't sit well with trying to relax and get back to sleep.)
I can't believe it's almost time.
It's probably going to take a quadruple does (yes, I'm serious) of Immodi.um to even get me there.
Every other u/s in my history hasn't been good. Well, the docs may have said that some of them were, but I was always a day or two behind. Well within the margin of error is what they would tell me. In the pit of my stomach though, I was always fearful.
My worst case scenario here for this morning? That I'm measuring a bit behind and there's no HB detected. This happened to me the last time at 6w2d. I was measuring 6w and there wasn't a HB. My doc told me it was over. A day later, we saw the HB. The woman at the u/s facility that day (who did my follow-up scan) had told me that so early on, many times the machines in offices aren't as sophisticated to pick up a HB yet.
So that's my fear. That I'll be sent into limbo for a week.
You may think that's odd. With my history, wouldn't having another m/c be the worst? Yes, in the long run. However, a mind fuck of a week of limbo will be too much for me.
I am just hoping beyond hope that this is it. I feel silly almost saying this, but I just have a feeling that this time, it's different and it will be ok. I'm a worrier by nature though, so I wouldn't expect anything different from me.
Your encouragement over the last few days has been so helpful to me. I hope you can stop by later and read my happy follow-up post.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Good and the Bad
The Bad:
1. It's fucking hot. There's my profanity, right there in the beginning. There's something wrong with it being 87 degrees in central PA at 6pm in early April.
2. That it's only Tuesday.
The Good (I think):
1. I'm 5w6d today. I'm so close to clearing this previously horrible week five for me. No spotting and no problems.
2. I have my u/s on Thursday morning. I'm getting sick to my stomach just typing that. I am beyond scared. I'm worried that at 6w1d, it will be too early to detect a heartbeat, which will send me into limbo land. You know...RE will say it's too early and then in a week at the follow-up I'll find out it was never meant to be.
If this doesn't work out, I don't know where that leaves us. In theory, the clotting disorder is supposed to be remedied by my injections. Also, my scar tissue is gone, so that shouldn't cause a problem anymore. If I m/c, then what?
1. It's fucking hot. There's my profanity, right there in the beginning. There's something wrong with it being 87 degrees in central PA at 6pm in early April.
2. That it's only Tuesday.
The Good (I think):
1. I'm 5w6d today. I'm so close to clearing this previously horrible week five for me. No spotting and no problems.
2. I have my u/s on Thursday morning. I'm getting sick to my stomach just typing that. I am beyond scared. I'm worried that at 6w1d, it will be too early to detect a heartbeat, which will send me into limbo land. You know...RE will say it's too early and then in a week at the follow-up I'll find out it was never meant to be.
If this doesn't work out, I don't know where that leaves us. In theory, the clotting disorder is supposed to be remedied by my injections. Also, my scar tissue is gone, so that shouldn't cause a problem anymore. If I m/c, then what?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Anniversary Trip
Our second annivesary is coming up in June and I just booked our long weekend. We had really wanted to go back to the Outer Banks, but with Mr SC getting a new job (yay!) he is left with very little time off (boo). So, we opted for a long weekend to Washington, D.C. Mr SC was there once before when he was in elementary school. I went twice as a student (5th and 8th grades) and twice as a teacher and I'm very much looking forward to going just as me!
I'm very much looking forward to 6/19-6/21! And the 2 1/2 hour drive? Total plus! :)
I'm very much looking forward to 6/19-6/21! And the 2 1/2 hour drive? Total plus! :)
Friday, April 2, 2010
Good News
My third (and final) betas are in...my doubling time went from 55 hours to 44 hours! Yay! My numbers look good (as does my progesterone) and I'm set for an u/s on Thursday morning. I'll be 6w1d.
I will never be able to say thank you enough to all of you who have offered your words of encouragement and support. I'm so glad to have found such a wonderful community of compassionate individuals.
Whatever your weekend brings (celebrating Easter, great weather, etc), I hope it's a good one.
I will never be able to say thank you enough to all of you who have offered your words of encouragement and support. I'm so glad to have found such a wonderful community of compassionate individuals.
Whatever your weekend brings (celebrating Easter, great weather, etc), I hope it's a good one.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Getting Through The Week
I'm 5w2d today and if I allow myself to stop and think about it, it scares the shit out of me.
This is the week where everything has always gone wrong. This is when I started spotting and had the u/s that would show that my bean was two days behind. The docs always told me not to worry, that it was fine.
It never was.
Today is the day when I was pregnant last spring that I started spotting during my period 7 class. Today, when I made it to the beginning of 8th period in the clear, it took everything I had not to cry in the bathroom.
Every night before I got to sleep, I say "we made it through the day", as I rub my belly. I pray that I can say that for another 35 weeks.
This is the week where everything has always gone wrong. This is when I started spotting and had the u/s that would show that my bean was two days behind. The docs always told me not to worry, that it was fine.
It never was.
Today is the day when I was pregnant last spring that I started spotting during my period 7 class. Today, when I made it to the beginning of 8th period in the clear, it took everything I had not to cry in the bathroom.
Every night before I got to sleep, I say "we made it through the day", as I rub my belly. I pray that I can say that for another 35 weeks.
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