How much do you lean on IRL friends when it comes to IF? Do you have expectations of your friends that you do decide to confide in? If so, what are they? Do you think it's to be expected that your friendships will change/may end because of what you're going through?
I've been doing too much thinking lately I suppose and I'm wondering how all of you see yourselves when it comes to IF and others (others meaning those outside of your significant other if you are pursuing a family with a significant other).
I'm curious about your thoughts and responses.
How much do you lean on IRL friends when it comes to IF? I rely on them very little, unless they are my IRL friends that are also IF. I have been dissapointed and hurt way too many times.
ReplyDeleteDo you have expectations of your friends that you do decide to confide in? I would expec that they just let me vent, fill up my glass of wine, hand me a tissue and NOT fill me with a bunch of "it will happen some day", "it is just God's will", "why don't you just adopt", or "you should go on vacation, then it will happen" CRAP!
If so, what are they? Oops - see above
Do you think it's to be expected that your friendships will change/may end because of what you're going through? Absolutely - after 5 1/2 years of infertility ALL of my relationships have changed, some for the better, some for the worse, and some are just plain over.
Well said Nichole - I'm the exact same way. I have just a couple of girlfriends who have bothered to ASK me what the right things to say to an infertile are... and ASK how they can be helpful...and continue to ASK how I'm doing. Those are the IRL friendships that have flourished.
ReplyDeleteMany others, sadly, have gone the opposite directions. *sigh*
My support system for IF has largely been my mother, and she's been great. I've also been very open with my co-workers, and at one school they had my back every step of the way (you already know how it went at the next one). I have a friend IRL who endured several miscarriages before conceiving her baby boy (who is now 28 weeks gestation). She and I used to vent about IF, but since she's moved on and I haven't she has kind of left me behind.
ReplyDeleteI've become very open and very vocal about our IF this last year. Something about the miscarriages opened my floodgates, I think. Before we ever conceived, I didn't have much to say. Now, I talk because I don't want my babies to be forgotten. Does that make sense?
I've found some other closet infertiles this way, and we relate mostly via snipey FB messages to each other about all the other fertiles. But, by far, my biggest supporters live inside my computer.
IF Is tricky. If you haven't been through it, you don't really get it. I have had one very fertile friend who has always managed to be supportive and upbeat without being condescending - but only one. What does that tell you?
Sorry -- my mind is going 100 different directions today and I dont' feel like I'm giving much of an answer. But that's what I've got.
Big hugs,
Jo
I have something on my blog for you.
ReplyDeleteI sorta wrote an entry about this just today. Most people don't know what we are going through except for a small group of people. I thought that conversations with those people would go differently than the do, but *shrugs*
ReplyDeleteI pray that they stick by me and learn to just let me cry when I need to. I have been lucky, but I also have let some friendships wane, honestly. Mainly because I need to be the needy one now. And a lot of days I don't want to see or talk to anyone because I feel like shit and CAN'T be the friend I want to be. My life feels out of control most of the time.
ReplyDeleteI don't really lean on IRL at all when it comes to IF. I know they may try to be supportive but really I haven't found any IRL friends that really "get" it. Only other IFfers or Fred. I do lean on my Mom at times though.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any expectations anymore from IRL friends. If they do happen to say/do the right thing then I'm just pleasantly surprised. Mostly I just try to not talk about it.
And I do expect it will probably change our friendship. It has done so in the past, it changes every relationship. I think only with my very best friend it hasn't reall changed things. But I still don't lean on her when I really need support because she's not going through it and doesn't relly "get it". It's hard.
That's a tough question, and each of us will be different. Likewise, I think that each friend is different. I felt really "burned" by one friend/colleague who lied to my face on multiple occasions about her own pregnancy after my loss, and I admit that I cut out any personal conversation with her (as much as I could while working with her). After my third loss, one of my bridesmaids said "you do realize that this happens to a lot of people"...which wasn't what I needed to hear at the time. I figured that she was no longer a "safe" friend with which to discuss my experience. She's still an important part of my life, but I knew I needed to have new boundaries with her. I knew another friend was going to start trying, so I asked her to tell me if/when she conceived (if she felt comfortable) rather than waiting until the end of the first trimester or something or being told as part of a group. Luckily, she respected my request. It sure is tough knowing what to say, how to say it, and who to say it too. If they truly are good friends, hopefully they'll be respectful.
ReplyDeleteWhile all of our immediate family and close friends know about the IF. Only a few are really our support system. My best friend and my mom are the 2 people I depend on. And to be honest, my mom doesn't "get it", my bff does and she's super fertile too :)
ReplyDeleteI lean on her.. very very much. And she takes it all. she lets me cry, scream, eat, break things..whatever I need..whatever I want and she never judges.
I expect understanding. I expect compassion. I expect love.
I expect not be judged. I expect not to have to hear miracle adoption stories, miracle relaxation stories or conversations about how horrible being pregnant is.
I expect my friendships to change.
My friendship with bff has gotten better, stronger..more adult and more loving.
My friendship with another friend grew because of IF and her miscarriage..and has fallen apart with her pregnancy and birth of her child.
I expect a lot out of my friends during this time because I would give them a lot.
I am really rather open about my IF struggles. My relationships have changed, but always for the worse. There is more distance between my friends and I at times, but I think we now relate to each other in a more open and honest way. I have learned how to speak my mind and ask for what I need from other people.
ReplyDeleteAs for relying on IRL friends, I DON'T, as they are useless. That sounds so harsh, but none of them has walked this journey and they could care less about what we are going through. It's sad, but I feel part of a very self absorbed group of women who all have full lives, full arms and no idea what its like to face the struggles of fertility and loss. And yes, I have severed some friendships over the course of the past year. As a therapist once said, when you don't find someone valuable in your life....take out the trash.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, even my relationship with my In Laws, BIL & SIL, Mother and own Brother and his wife have all changed. None of them were overly concerned about my well being or heartbreak when I lost Christian. They all took the stance of "you will get pregnant again and you will have another baby". All of this said, Christian WAS my 1st baby! Maybe they never held him, but I did, maybe not in my arms, but forever in my heart. Can you tell this still angers me? It's the whole passive aspect that IRL friends/family take. The was they are not respectful of how we struggle, what we go through....its hell at times!
So, that is it for my rant...But, on a lighter note I will say that I do have a very good friend who is my "go to girl", she gets me on every level and is my rock. The difference is this, she HAS WALKED IN MY SHOES.
Wishing you all the best and sending you HUGS.
I don't have any IRL friends w/ IF, or any losses for that matter. It makes me feel alone and afraid. I happen to have a VERY FERTILE group of friends, and it's heartbreaking. After a while no one wants to hear about your heartache or your sadness. I am glad to have my husband to stand with me.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, to answer the question...I don't talk about it much with IRL friends...that's partly why I blog-stalk other IFers and babyloss mommas.
I'm envious of anyone who has IRL friends that they can turn to for support. I had no support for any of my miscarriages, not even from Guvnor - in his opinion you can't lose what you never had.
ReplyDeleteI got tired of being super happy for all my friends when they announced pregnancies etc etc but them NEVER bothering to enquire how I was or come to see how I was after yet another miscarriage. In fact it got to the point that I didn't even bother telling anyone about my last two - it was just easier, I knew I was going to have to deal with the aftermath alone, so why waste my breath telling them only for them to ignore it happening?
IF does change you and your relationships with people, sometimes for the better but mostly for the worse from what I've seen.
xx
I'm blessed that the few people in my life whom I've told has been supportive. They ask how I'm doing without constantly bringing up the topic. They're understanding when I push away.
ReplyDeleteI do have one friend who's been a little heavy on the advice, which I don't appreciate. Other than that, it's good to be "out" with the people I closest--before that, I felt like I couldn't even talk to them about normal things or be honest, as I was hiding something so large.
I barely communicate about IF with my IRL friends. Mostly just to protect myself. The times I did open up I was dissapointed by the comments. I do not blame these people. They do not know any better. It is a lot to expect from someone that has not been through it. As it is with anything.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do hate what I have become. Not opening up has made me lie and become so secretive. I hate who I have become because of IF.
I don't lean on them at all. They really don't understand, and I don't think they really know how to be supportive. My mom isn't any better, honestly. It's a little different for me, because we aren't going through IF treatment right now (or probably ever), so there really isn't as much to talk about. When we were, though, it wasn't much different. I can't say anyone I know is horribly sympathetic or supportive - but they don't say anything hurtful, either.
ReplyDeletehttp://tryingagian.blogspot.com/
I probably don't open up to real life friends enough and I lean mostly on my husband. It's tough but as others have said I find that few cope well with it and so I've really limited the number of people I've told. People either tend to make silly suggestions or avoid the topic, and both of these leave me feeling worse.
ReplyDeleteI also think IF/loss causes a huge space to open up between you and, well, just about everyone else. Unless someone else has been there.
I am lucky to have couple valuable IF supporters among my friends. Not many, but they know how to approach the topic, they are great!
ReplyDeleteI have been more and more open communicating about it, too. The other day, on a work outing I managed to shut off my colleague's big mouth girlfriend, who was proudly telling their story of getting pregnant on the pill. When she asked me about having kids, I just spit it out loud, dished it out for her, and told her we just lost a baby. More people heard it than I originally wanted, but I was ok with it. It's part of my life now, and people who care about me may very well know about it.
i am realising reading these comments how lucky i am. i've had some stupid comments, but people have mostly been very supportive.
ReplyDeleteI'm very lucky to have 3 really good friends that will let me talk endlessly, and support me. Two of those are long-distance friends, but they're huge parts of my life, and have been with me through thick and thin. And they've been really good to me. And I have another friend at work who has been amazing. She's super fertile (had an oops baby) and has somehow been so understanding and compassionate. I have been very very lucky.
ReplyDeleteBut the most support - by people that understand what I'm going through - has come from the bloggy world.
Even though my IF was pretty out in the open, I relied very little on my IRL friends for support. None of them knew how to deal with me, so I just talked about it when I felt like it and that was it. Most (ok, like pretty much all) of my support is in the form of the virtual support I get from you guys. It means the world to me and I'm not sure that I would have ever been able to cope without my blogland (and IV) buddies.
ReplyDeleteAt first, I relied on my IRL friends a lot. They accompanied me to appointments, cried with me for a bfn and were an ear to listen to my b*tching BUT then they started keeping things about themselves from me, making fake IF problems to hide their pgs and other lame things, so I cut them out. Now it is me and DH and it is LONELY.
ReplyDeletegreat question.
ReplyDeleteI have some IRL friends that know about my IF, and they all respond and reach out to different degrees. They don't ask me how I am doing, but I guess that's okay. sometimes for me the less I can focus on my IF, the better I can cope. A few friends I can joke about it with, but not many, and like one commenter said, IRL people just don't know how to respond, they mean well, but depending on how I am doing, sometimes their jokes just fall flat.
Also, I told some IRL friends about my blog as a way that they could know how I was doing without me having to voice it daily, but unfortunately most of them don't read my blog, so I don't share too much with them anymore. A few do read it and I appreciate that so much. I am coming around to the fact that I think they do care, but they don't have time to read my blog, and if I want them involved or aware I need to just outright ask them for help when I need it.
It is a tricky balance with IRL friends that's for sure.