It felt so good to go on vacation. Gosh, I wish we could go back. It was so wonderful to spend time with each other and our pooches and soak in the sand and the rays. Mr SC kept asking me why I had my eyes closed and if I was tired. Truth is, while I was sitting on that beach chair, I just kept trying to breath in every moment. I wanted to be able to sear everything into my senses so when I needed a "happy place", I could close my eyes and feel everything.
I'm not sure why I'm so sad now that I'm home. It's Mr SC's birthday and I feel like a lousy wife. We decided not to give each other "gifts" this year because our "gift" is going to the Colts/Redskins game in October. That's great and all, but I felt like I shoved cards at him and that was it...random any other day of the week. We can't have freaking sex because damn AF showed on Wednesday and is still here. Actually, I started spotting a half decent amount on the second day on our vacation. Yep. Blah. So, I asked Mr SC what kind of cake he wanted. His reply? Pineapple upside down cake. Sure, I can do that. Well, the recipe only made one nine inch cake. Mr SC said hmmm...that's going to be small. No problem! I made two. Too bad in the second one I forgot to put the eggs in. What a freaking flake I am.
So I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. Why? I can pretend that the phone call last week was good news but for me, I guess it wasn't. So many of your posts were so thoughtful and encouraging. Elevated NK cells and infusions (yes, IL infusions and not IVIG). Great! I'm fixed.
That's what we thought before our last loss. We thought I was fixed and so clearly I wasn't.
While we were away, I thought long and hard about not having a baby. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that TTC was over. It's taken too much from me and I want to survive intact. Another miscarriage and, well, I don't know if that would be so true anymore. Then, the phone call came. Perhaps that's supposed to be some sort of sign? I don't know.
After I listened to the message for a fourth time, I started sobbing. Mr SC just held me. He didn't understand why I was so upset. "It's good that there's something to fix!" he said. I replied, "but what's going to fix me?" I explained that I don't know if I'll ever be ready to try again and, if we do, it's not going to be for a while. In the back of my mind, I'd like to take a break until the spring. Why spring? Well, if I miscarry again, hopefully it will be over summer break from school. How twisted is that? I'm timing TTC around when I would be best able to mourn the loss of another baby. He's so understanding and told me that all he wants is me and for me to be ok. He wants a baby but my sanity and my emotional well-being is what matters the most to him. That made me feel better.
I did spell out one condition to Mr SC. I don't do this in our marriage, spell out conditions. However, I told him that before we move forward (whether that means to stop trying or to go ahead) that I wanted us to go to therapy together. He agreed. In the past, I've told him I thought it would be "a good idea" for him to try it out for himself, etc. This time, I flat out asked. We're not there yet though. My follow-up appointment is next week and we'll take it from there.
The results of the tests though are what I can't get out of my head. Four different times I was pregnant and four different times my body killed my baby. That's all I can think about. As a life was fighting to grow inside me, I killed it. Some mother I am.
Oh, I'm so sorry Kelly! It sounds like a lot to take in and process and it's completely understandable to take a while to decide what to do. I'm glad you had a nice vacation, the beach sounds like it was a perfect place. I'm thinking about you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are feeling sad. For me, our last vaca was so lovely that when we got home I felt like life and ttc smacked in the face really, really hard. You will know when you are ready again, be gentle with yourself. I think it is great that you guys are going to try couseling, such a great step for you both. Wishing your husband a happy birthday, I am very impressed that you can bake (i can barely bake or cook).
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew something to say that would make this all easier to deal with. But, there really isn't anything. I just hope that you can find something that will help you stay in a that happy place all the time. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I'm sorry you don't view the test results as a good thing. I'm glad that you've thought about it and realized you may not be ready to TTC again. It's a really good idea to go through therapy together. Your hubby sounds like an amazing guy, but you have been through so much that you need to make sure that both of you are on the same page. This stuff is tough, and it's hard for anyone to go through. Try to be easier on yourself. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI wish, I wish I could give you a hug. I can hardly imagine the hurt and pain you had to go through with your losses. But you must not blame yourself for them!!! You could do nothing better to avoid it. I am praying and hoping that the doctors and maybe the therapist will be able to give you the right support to heal and get ready for TTC and for a healthy and happy pregnancy. I can't express how much I want this to work for you two.
ReplyDeleteMuch love your ways.
I am so so sorry for everything you are going through. Your husband is awesome. I hope wherever this path takes you next, you find peace and happiness! Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. I have had four miscarriages as well...I don't know if I will ever heal from them. I would just try to relax and see what your next step is...maybe you'll feel better about trying in a couple months...and I totally think therapy/counseling will help. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteKelly, I'm so glad that u and ur husband have such a strong commitment to do whatever it takes..not for a baby....but to keep ur marriage strong. Therapy is a great idea and so is taking time to mend and heal. And I know that you know that the fact of ur 4 mcs have no bearing in what kind of mother u are. Truth is you are a damn good mom. I'm sorry this is such an icky time. I can understand ur suspicions abt really truly being "fixed".
ReplyDeleteEverything you say here makes perfect sense to me but having said that I wish you didn't have to feel it or think it. I hope you get through this rough patch soon.
ReplyDeleteYou def cant blame yourself for your losses....it is your body doing the harm...not YOUR CHOICE....I am able to say that because I really do understand since I was in that boat....but when you have a problem there are solutions....and with a good set of Dr.'s things can be fixed...it just might take more steps and extra monitoring to get there....I agree with the couseling...we hit that point and it really helped me and us get through our past losses and move forward to be able to do this last IVF and helps us with our future...Kinda like old fights/faults your suppose to forgive and put them in the past ...sounds like you need to forgive yourself/your body which is not under your control and try to put the losses behind you not forget but dont let it take your joy....You will be a mother!!! I know this....it will happen for you and your hubby!!!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what that pain is like. I know you feel guilty, but it isn't something you DID. It is something thatg just IS, crappy though it may be. I think your decisions are good. All of our choices end up revolving around this shit-for-disease, but we have to preserve some semblance of sanity however we can. I am sending you hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I understand your sentiments exactly. i too am struggling with starting TTC again. i'm trying toget a hysteroscopy and uterine NK cells done. but i feel like my body is responsible too.
ReplyDeletetake csre
Hi Kelly. I found you through faces of loss. Your story breaks my heart. I am so sorry. All my love to you.
ReplyDeleteJen
(*hugs*) Don't blame yourself like that. You are and have done everything you could. One day at a time right now, and I wish you strength and peace on your journey.
ReplyDelete"Four different times I was pregnant and four different times my body killed my baby. That's all I can think about. As a life was fighting to grow inside me, I killed it. Some mother I am."
ReplyDeleteDon't. Don't do that. I've been there. After about the 5th miscarriage, I believed my womb to be THE actual grim reaper in disguise. I blamed myself, totally, unconditionally, when in fact it was a combination of things, that yes my body did play a part in but it wasn't solely responsible.
So stop it. Stop beating yourself up. The fact that you've been through so much and still have fight in your to achieve your dream of motherhood says you will actually be a FANTASTIC mother my friend.
Be kind to yourself my friend and hold that hubby of yours close, he's a keeper.
xx
Here from Miss Ruby's blog. I am so very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kelly. I'm bawling as I read this.
ReplyDeletePlease, I beg you, try to remind yourself that YOU did not do this. I know you feel guilty, I do also. It's part of it, I think. But you never, ever, intentionally hurt any of your babies. If anything, you wanted them more than most women do. Your body simply didn't recognize those precious lives for what they were. That isn't your fault.
I repeat: that isn't your fault.
I wish I lived close to you because I'd come over and hug you, cry with you, drink coffee and rant at the unfairness of it all. Since I can't, just know that I am sending you all the bloggy love in the world today.
When you are ready, there is hope. Just file that away in the back of your head, and deal with today as best you can.
Many, many, many hugs,
Jo
I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteDo not blame yourself.
Don't blame yourself. (Easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I know.) SIRM is THE BEST when it comes to treating immune issues. Even though we didn't have success with them, I am so glad that we found them.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your DH is ready to give therapy a try with you. You'll be able to gain strength from each other.
I'll keep you in my thoughts. Take care.
I hope you can keep finding your happy place when you need to and I am sorry about the test results being upsetting...
ReplyDeleteHugs.
YOU are not doing this to your babies. This is not your fault and it certainly does not make you a bad mother. Okay? As for trying again, no one can tell you whether the time is right or wrong. You have to make that decision on your own. But I am glad that you and Mr. SC are going to therapy together and will have a chance to talk about how the loss of your babies has affected each of you. I think once you feel like you've coped with what you've been through as a couple, then you will know when to start trying again.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts. Always.
xo
hi. i just read your story on faces of loss. i'm so sorry for your heartache, i know the grief of losing a child all too well. i lost my two boys within 10 months of each other. i read that you had the clotting disorder, Factor V Lieden. I was curious if you had ever read Darci Klein's book, "To Full Term." She has the same disorder. Her book changed my life forever. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. I borrowed it from my library numerous times and finally bought my own copy after my son's death last month. Blessings to you and your husband, I'm going to pray for you right now.
ReplyDeleteYou CANNOT think like that! I know that it is easier said than done. You have done NOTHING to cause this. You COULD not have known. Nobodys siutation is the same, but I can tell you that I have felt very similar. Losing 5 babies I almost feel like a terrible mother for even continuing to try.
ReplyDeleteBut I do not let myself think like that anymore. We are good people that just want to love another. We want to be able to finally bring life into this world. Unfortunately our journey is just different from others. That does not make us bad people! You are in my prayers and if you ever need to talk please email me!
I know exactly how you feel ... and have to confess I had my own rage-filled meltdown yesterday, screaming at my husband that I was a baby killer and that I was bound to kill this one, too (I'm now 15 weeks pregnant). But as much as I think it's hard NOT to think this way, we need to be kind to ourselves ... motherhood is not about what our bodies do that is out of our control ... it's about the love we give to our children, born or unborn, how we treat those small souls in the brief times that we are given to care for them. I suspect that you are a wonderful mom; you need to believe this is true, too.
ReplyDeleteI read your story on faces of loss. My heart aches for you and I am so sorry for your losses. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling like this Kelly. :( You are NOT a bad mother though - remember that!! How wonderful that you have a supportive husband through this awful situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got to sit in the sun, Kelly. But I'm sorry that the rest of it was waiting for you at home. I've also tabulated the miscarriage clock, and I also hate that I seem to view it as a foregone conclusion (how long to physically miscarry? how long to grieve?).
ReplyDeleteOnly you will know when and if you are ready again. I think the therapy is such a good idea. Going through four miscarriages is like going through four wars, and I don't know that there is a battleship that is built to withstand that without a scratch. We're certainly not.
The autoimmune diagnosis (in whatever form) is so deeply frustrating in many ways. First, doctors don't agree on the importance, treatment, etc. Second, it leaves one very much feeling that our bodies are doing this to themselves. But that is a very harsh way of thinking (even if it is occasionally inevitable). And we do not deserve it. We do not deserve any of this.
(argh about the eggs...that would have left me in a puddle on the kitchen floor...I once substituted salt for sugar. The result? Something entirely inedible).
Kelly, sounds like while the vacation did you some good, you are currently spending quality time in hell. We all (humans) feel broken to a certain degree, and it sounds like your brokenness is right up in your face right now. And for that I am sorry, because it is not the brokenness I experience of you when I read your blog or the comments you leave me, always sealed with hugs. Remember that you are a whole person, a whole person experiencing a tremendous amount of pain at the moment. And that pain comes not from anything you have done or not done. Like Adele said, you can't go through all those wars without scratches on the battleship.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of couples therapy, especially since it came from such a strong, decisive place inside of you. Shop around until you find someone you both like.
I hope the appointment goes well this week and that there is a plan that emerges for how to work with the autoimmune diagnoses.
Sending you many hugs, dear woman.
My heart goes out to you. I'm just so sorry for all you've been through, four miscarriages must be total hell. Thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort. Many hugs for you.
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) Small breaks and vacations have been the only thing getting me through the past eight years. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThis is not your fault..you are not doing this to your babies. My heart breaks for you! Thinking of you....(HUGS))!!
ReplyDeleteKelly, I'm so so sorry. I can't say that I understand exactly how you're feeling, but I do understand feeling like your body is a failure and is hurting your babies. I have antiphospholipid antibody syndrome and I suspect that there might be something else going on as well. Owen was growth restricted and had a cord stricture, resulting in his death and Hannah Mae had growth restriction, which was caught before she went into serious distress. It is a horrible, horrible feeling, knowing that it was my body, my disorder that caused these things.
ReplyDeleteBUT it is not your (our) fault. You did everything right, just as I did. We cannot control what our bodies do or don't do, we can only do our best and do what's within our control.
I have to tell myself this every day. The guilt and feelings of bitterness at my own body are hard to deal with. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this too.
I'm so sorry, Kelly.
Ello gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteI just gave you a very fabulous award [if I do say so myself!].
Stop by my blog to check it out!
http://themissruby.blogspot.com/2010/08/award.html
i'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. i'm happy that you've received some results that could hold the key to a successful pregnancy but at the same time, i understand how you're feeling about "planning for your next miscarriage". i'm desperately afraid of getting pregnant again for fear that i'll have to lose another baby too.
ReplyDeletei wish there was something i could do to make you feel better.... i'm thinking about you.
I just read this post and it made me cry for you and Mr.SC. Oh Kelly, the last paragraph just breaks my heart. I don't know what to say so I'll just continually offer you my love and hugs.
ReplyDelete