I got my wish. I had said after my most recent loss in May that I was hoping by the end of the summer I'd know what was going on and have a "plan" in place.
Now? Now I don't even know if I want to have a child anymore.
Tomorrow I'm going back to SIRM for the official report. Although my doc called me two weeks ago and told me the news, I didn't return his call. I listened to his message, in some sort of dumbfounded state. I was on vacation, so the message while I was away came as an ultimate invasion of denial phase.
It's difficult for me to tell if I've just been hurt too much so I'm not even entertaining the thought any longer or if my focus has shifted. I'm going to be 36 next month, so it's not like I have a ton of time to change my mind (or figure it out for that matter), either.
All I know is that I've been good at not thinking about this whole mess this summer and now, here I am, with it smacking me in the face.
I don't know what to say sweetie. I am sending you great big HUGS though, and much love.
ReplyDeleteI wish you didn't have to confront these decisions and feelings again after an entire summer of focusing on other things. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. Many, many ((hugs)).
ReplyDeleteI really wish I had some magical words that would change it all and make you feel better. Sadly, I don't. All I can say is that I care and that I'm sorry. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletegood luck tomorrow (today). I am happy that you had a respite from IF consumption. With time, you will come to a place that feels right. I find it very difficult to be present and not always be looking forward, I envy your stasis.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
It's so hard to be hurt over and over again. Thinking of you as you work through this process and make decisions that make the most sense for you. Maybe the timeline needs to shift a bit, put taking care of yourself first and foremost.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I am sorry hun. Thinking of you today.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending love your way. I cannot imagine how hard it is to make this kind of choice. I hope you can figure out what you can live with. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you tomorrow, as I also make my way back to my RE for some further discussions. I really hope that the information you receive also comes with a plan for what is next.
ReplyDeletesending you hugs, dear woman.
I'm thinking good thoughts for you tomorrow, Kelly. And I think that you've been through so damned much that it makes sense you haven't wanted to think about it and that you are questioning...everything. Nothing needs to be decided. 36 is NOT old in this game. At this point it's just a matter of information. To be filed away so that when you DO feel able to think about it, you can.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. This has to be so incredibly tough to clarify your thoughts right now. Hugs to you!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Adele on this one - 36 is young and you have a lot more time than you think, so do what you need to do right now to process all of this. I'm thinking of you today and hopeful that I'll see you for tea and a nice long chat!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Thinking about you and sending you big hugs. Take all the time you need and feel comfortable with to sort things out.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Kelly. ((HUGS)) Good luck making it through tomorrow without too many tears...
ReplyDeleteGood luck at the appointment, I can only imagine how difficult it will be for you. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeleteI am going to offer up my two cents, but want to preface it with "you have to do what is right for you". Personally, I found myself at this crossroads not long ago. How much more can I take? I've endured so much? I'm just tired, tired, tired, tired!!!
The road got longer and this journey became incredibly taxing. Fertility had taken over my life and I was engulfed in grief and anger. I felt as if I couldn't continue, but at 37, I knew the window of opportunity was growing smaller. Therefore, I was at a crossroads, go forward or fear that I would one day regret not doing all that I could to achieve my dream, sparing my mental health of course :) Ultimately, I decided that I could not longer walk this journey alone. My husband was great, I have supportive friends, but they could not give me guidance, answers and offer healing. Thus, I saught the advice of a therapist who deals with infertiity and loss. I had my first session yesterday and it was wonderful. The therapist nailed so many of my issues and also told me that I needed to offer "self forgiveness", as I was holding myself accountable for all that has happened to me, things out of my control. We talked about how friendships have been stressed/dissolved, how tiring this road gets, how angry I am that I'm going thru all of this, adoption, fear of the unknown, etc...When I walked out of her office I was so tired, but it was a restful, peaceful tired, as she validated so much of what I am feeling. And trust me, I am not one to want to share my feelings with a stranger, but she asked the questions and I talked and my anxiety faded.
So, if I could offer you any advice, I would say to give therapy a try. Go once and see what you think. It has taken me 6 months to make this appointment and I only wish I'd done it sooner.
Much love to you and I pray that you get the answers that you need, some closure in this chapter of your life. But, most of all I pray that you find a way to start a new chapter, one of HOPE and optimism. Praying for you sweet friend and sending you love.
Many HUGS
and sorry for the windy post
xxx
I am sorry there is such a tough day ahead of you:( I wish I could give you more support!
ReplyDeletewell, I am still hoping the consult will have at least some benefits in a way, maybe by getting more answers, or having the chance to discuss, something. Any chance for that? so it would be worth to get through the pain coming with it.
I am so sorry you have o re-live this:( I wish, it would get easier on you, this is waaaaay to unfair to go through:(((
Much love your ways, Sweetie!
I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing wish so much hurt and pain.
ReplyDeleteLots of good thoughts for you and a big virtual hug for tomorrow. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck at your appointment...hopefully you will be able to get some answers that will help you sort through your feelings. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to come back raring to go and I've had the same thoughts as you. I *think* it has to do with protecting ourselves from more hurt. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at all. Sending hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteSending you so many (((hugs))). I wish this were easier.
ReplyDeleteGo, listen to what he says, and go home. You don't have to make any choices or decisions. Thinking of you and sending you hugs.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I'm sorry. I hope that the thoughts don't bug you too much and that your able to come up with a plan.
ReplyDeleteBtw - did you friend me on fb? How did you find me?
Good luck tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteAmy, you popped up from "gmail friend finder" or whatever the heck it's called when I tried it today.
ReplyDeleteHi Girlie:) I think at your apt tomorrow your docs will come up with a good plan....I just feel now that you have found these issues that things can be resolved....Def dont lose hope and try to go into the apt with a positive and open mind....I know easier said than done but I too once felt as you are right now so I get it....You are a fighter and a strong women dont forget that:)
ReplyDeleteKelly..I don't really have any good words of wisdom..Im just sending you love, lots of it..
ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you today. My appointment is at 11am EST. I look forward to hearing how your appointment went.
Hugs,
A