The good (which mainly come from other people):
Funny
Cute
Caring
Sensitive
Smart
Energetic
Hard-working
wife
teacher
friend
daughter
the bad:
shy (well, I can be when I don't know people, which often leads people to think I'm "snobby", which I'm not)
short
neurotic
and the ugly:
too heavy
neurotic
What about the label of "mother"? At what point, is someone a mother? I've been pregnant four times and had two heartbeats, all to have them ripped away from me. It's left me scarred and forever changed, yet I don't consider myself a "mother". Why? I don't know. If I'm not a mother, then why does this hurt so badly (still, after all this time)? If I'm not a mother, why did Mr SC and I cry at the stroke of midnight last year, praying that 2010 would be different? If I'm not a mother, then why can I still see that heartbeat on the monitor screen (thankfully, I didn't look when we had our fourth loss)? If I'm not a mother, why is it that I can still envision the baby girl that I lost? Why can I still feel her, like a ghost in my arms?
Or, does the word hurt too much? If I acknowledged that I was a mother, that I am a mother, would that be too much for me to bear?
These are tough tough questions. And I think it's something all of us who have faced these losses must decide for ourselves.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I have considered myself a mother from the moment I got my first positive hpt. It's become a part of how I define myself. The pain of my losses didn't change the fact that I am a mother. I loved those babies as any mother loves her children. I still love them. Love doesn't make the hurt any less, but maybe on some level it helps me to justify not forgetting my lost ones.
I feel the same way Kelly. I have been pregnant once - lost it between 6-8 weeks and had a baby girl dangled in front of us for 3 months until after the birth at which point the birth father changed his mind. At that time everyone was calling me "mommy" but I just could not wrap my head around it. I do consider myself a mother - to the one we lost and to our "Lydia," but not in the way I would describe other mother's. When people ask if we have any children I say no, because really we don't. I don't know what to call it anymore. Heartbroken? Angry? Disappointed? Lost? Whatever it is for all of us it just plain sucks.
ReplyDelete"Mother" is a word that carries so much weight, to me, sometimes it has the same importance as "successful" and "happy" and "a part of something bigger than yourself." Does that mean it is that important?
ReplyDeleteAsk anyone who is a mother and they'd say yes.
Ask anyone who is infertile and they'd say yes
It's just a word, but it's so much more, and that's why it hurts so much.
Oh this is a tough one. I don't currently consider myself a mother, but during that time when I had those little ones inside me, I did think of myself as a mother. And now that I no longer consider myself a mother, does this make me a bad mother? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteKelly, hugs to you. Great big, bear hugs. I don't know why it's so hard to take that term, to make it ours, but it is. Maybe because we're in such a terrible in-between state. Limbo, really. It's so damned hard, and it's impossible to shake this grief. We can push it off for a little while but then it comes right back again. Like a boomerang. Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete(I am completely neurotic, too).
Kelly I am so sorry that you have this to bear. It's so hard when "they" don't acknowledge it. I acknowledge your motherhood and your loss and your hurt and I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't an easy question. People are calling me "momma" and it doesn't seem right. Because then if something goes wrong I don't know...
ReplyDeleteWhether you see yourself as a mother or not, you have felt the love for a child. You have felt the pain of loss. If that isn't a mother I don't know what is.
I feel like a mother even though I am not. I have been pregnant twice and never heard or saw a heartbeat, but am a mother. I wish I had some words to share with you, but just know that you are not alone.
ReplyDeletePeople say I'm a mother and yet after losing 8, I think if I am a mother then I'm a pretty shitty one.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a big question and not one I'm closer to answering.
xxx
From the day I first I heard I was pregnant (the first time) I became a mother. Yes, it can be a very painful word at times when I do not have a baby to hold in my arms. But the moments I had with them I would never take away.
ReplyDeleteI will forever be their mother whether here on earth or in heaven. I pray that someday very soon you finally get to hold your baby.
I wish I had the answer to this question. I don't feel like a mother yet. But I also don't feel like I've never been a mother either. It's a weird state. I hope we get past it soon.
ReplyDelete(Also- I am also shy and people have made the mistake of thinking I Was snobby. It stinks!)
FWIW, I think you're a mother. However, whether you want to consider yourself that is a personal decision and should be based on whatever you're comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother lost a baby before she had my mother and after her loss when people asked whether she had children, she would say, "Yes, but none living." My grandfather would get upset when she said this, but it was important to her to let people know she *was* in fact a mother.
She went on to have several children, including two more losses, and to this day when people ask how many children she has, she says, "Eleven children, eight living."
(((hugs))), Kelly--my hysterically funny, smart, caring friend.
I can't figure out how to answer this one. I wish I considered myself a mother. But, I don't. I don't know when I would allow myself to feel that way. It's a protective thing, I think. I never felt like a mother when I was pregnant. I think I'm afraid to call myself one until I have a living, breathing baby in my arms. But, like you, I can almost feel my missing baby sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI guess part of it is that I see a mother as someone who is raising/has raised a child and I haven't done that. Adoptive mothers are mothers. I'm not one because I have never held my child.
But, oddly, I think of women who have had stillbirths or late miscarriages as mothers. I don't know when the switch changes in my mind. Twelve weeks isn't enough but 20 weeks is? It doesn't really make sense.
(*hugs*) I can't figure that one out myself, the word is so loaded and what we think makes one a mother, and how others define it, society, the dictionary- there's no easy answer unfortunately.
ReplyDeletei'm not a mother but i'm not not-a-mother. i'm caught in this shitty in-between limbo too. it's so hard.
ReplyDeletesending hugs xx
It sounds to me like a very important question, Kelly, and one that is related to where you are with processing your grief. Can you say it out loud to yourself while looking at the mirror? "I am a mother". You are a mother. You've had babies. They tragically did not survive. But they were there. I see your questions as you trying to make sense of your losses. I'm grateful that you are sharing that process with us.
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself in these moments of sadness.
Sending hugs
Kelly, I saw this a few days ago, but didn't know what I wanted to say or if it would come out right.
ReplyDeleteI think you are a mother. One that loves her babies and grieves their absence. I think that makes you a beautiful mother.