School starts on Monday. We had two inservice days this week and the kids are back on Monday. I LOVE my job. I love learning, love the kids, love to share new things with them...I could go on and on. I know how lucky I am to have a relatively stable job in this economy and, although I know if I worked in a different field with my degree and experience I'd make much more, I'm not complaining about what I get paid, either. I make a half decent living.
I spent the summer trying to get better and I know how fortunate I am to get to do that. Many women who have struggled with what I'm dealing with don't have that luxury. It still doesn't mean that I'm not terrified.
My house is my safe place. I can go out as little or as much as I'd like. I can control my interaction with others.
Now I'm back to six classes, always bringing my A game with a smile on my face. It's tough when there's a colleague who's due in the beginning of December (when I should have been) and it's tough that there's a colleague in my department who's due in the beginning of January (when I should be celebrating a first birthday). I'm forced to hold it together around the five pregnant girls in my school of only 320.
This weekend is my last weekend of solitude and I'm a weepy mess. Plus, Mr SC is away for the weekend. He's going upstate to his brother's cabin with his brother, stepfather and a friend from work. It's a "guys weekend". I know I'm going to sound ridiculous here, but to me, that isn't about male bonding, it's about tossing aside significant others for the weekend. That's ok and I know this is my fault, but I rely on Mr SC too much for my happiness. We're always together and he does everything he can to make me laugh when I'm down. I'm just so preoccupied with all of this. I've been neglecting good friends and feel paralyzed. It's horrible.
Oh...and yesterday I found out that my infusions, whenever we start TTC again, are going to be $650 per infusion. My insurance won't cover them because they're considered "experimental".
Blah. I sound like such a downer. I'm sorry.
Good luck with everything! I'm sending you good thoughts to get through the tough weeks ahead.
ReplyDeleteAww, Kelly. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down right now and I would be dreading it like crazy too if I had to be surrounded by so many reminders of what was lost on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteAnd, the infusion cost? SUCKS. Horrible. I'm so sorry :-(.
This weekend I hope you're good to yourself and enjoy your alone time. Read a good book, treat yourself to some girl time. Rent some chick flicks maybe? Eat food that your DH hates but you love. I hope that you have a good time spoiling yourself and can enjoy yourself w/o your hubs.
HUGS. I hope that the anticipation of the year is worse than the reality.
<3.
Don't apologize. It's okay to feel down sometimes. We all have those days, and I think all of us understand if you can't keep it together every day. You've been through a lot. I think you are doing so well. I wish you didn't have to go back, because I know how tough it's going to be for you. I'll be thinking of you this weekend. Text me if you need someone to chat with or vent to.
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Don't apologize at all. If I were in your exact shoes, I would be a mess too. I am sorry you have to be alone for this weekend before school, I wouldn't like that either. Going back to school will be tough, it's always tough, but pregnant students is a real challenge. I also had a few pregnant teenage therapy clients and it was really tough. Thinking of you-
ReplyDeleteJess
Thinking of you today and always. And $650 an infusion? Ugh, that blows.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I'm sorry. I'm also trying to pull myself together for the beginning of a new school year (and I don't have to teach your schedule) and having a very hard time doing it. Harder than it's ever been in the past. Like you, I know I should be grateful that I had the summer. But it's still so damned hard. I keep wondering what I'll do when people say, "How was your summer?"
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry you're alone this weekend. Loss is so damned isolating. I've let so many friendships fall by the wayside, as well, and have come to rely on my husband so much. Sending you hugs from here.
I've been having the hardest time getting back to it this week, too. I've been in total denial that classes were starting. So much so, in fact, that I was barely ready for one class this morning. No one understands why saying "I taught one class this summer" should be an excuse for why I'm so tired and anxious and feeling out of place. Trying to explain what happened over the summer is too complicated but I've already had students telling me I look "really tired."
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that things are so stressful getting back to work. And, that you'll be alone. I, too, feel like I've been hanging on my husband and let friendships go, lately, and it is really hard when he's away. ((hugs))
Wow those infusions are expensive. So sorry you have to do those and that insurance won't cover it. I hope that you have a great school year and manage to have a good weekend even with out sc there.
ReplyDeletesending some (((HUGS))) & thinking good thoughts for your return. I'm sorry you're so down, but like others said, it's ok to feel that way sometimes. Hope you have a nice, relaxing weekend!
ReplyDelete$650! Ouch! And so what if they're considered experimental - someone has to do it first etc.
ReplyDeleteI totally get the relying on your other half too much. Guvnor and I spend basically all our free time together and yeah if he disappeared for a weekend I'd be a bit lost too!!
Maybe try to reconnect with one of those friendships you've let fall by the wayside? [which by the way is all too easy to do when life gets in the way]
xxxxx
Oh man that stinks they are so much money!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're down about going back to work. I would be too. I get depressed when I have to go back to work after a vacation so I can't imagine what a whole summer off would do to me. I hope everything goes well and you really love it that first day.
I know what you mean about our DH's being our main support. It sucks when they're away. Maybe get a mani/pedi or rent some chick flicks and veg out? =)
I am sorry that it is time to go back to work. I hope that everything goes smoothly. My insurance did not cover any of my injectables or treatments so I understand how you feel about the infusion costs.....wishing you the best....
ReplyDeleteI'm back to school on Monday, too! I'm ready to get back into a routine but not ready at the same time...
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the house being a safe place. I find myself "cocooning" more and more, as my IF world expands.
I hope next week gets better! I will be thinking of you!
Is the infusion IVIg? I think I have asked this before.
ReplyDeleteMy insurance does not cover the infusions either. However, we went with intralipids which is only $180 per infusion. That is without insurance as well.
T, can I email you directly? I was going to comment on this over at your blog, but I don't want to take away from those u/s photos!! :)
ReplyDeleteI talked to the infusion place yesterday and they said $650. Where are you located?
I'm pennstatekellyatgmail.com
Kelly, I can so relate to this. I am also a teacher but the kids don't start school until the day after Labor Day. I am incredibly nervous like you are. I am nervous about not having a safe zone at work to go and cry my eyes out when something regarding trying to get pregnant arises (which is frequent.) I am also worried about not being a great co-worker or teacher due to my lack of patience lately.
ReplyDeleteI wish you a wonderful first day of school. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope that your students become your safe zone and home away from home. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is to have to put on your "game face" for students all day long. In our profession we have to try to remain or at least appear unaffected by other things going on in our lives.
Thank you for writing this post...we can do this.
I'm so sorry i know exactley how you feel! The cost of treatments is a big issue for me as well. Our insurance dosen't cover any infertility meds. I wanted to suggest to you to try some of the online fertility drugstores like scrafts? Have you heard of them or tried them before? They offer fertility drugs at a discount.
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