This month marks two years of TTC. It doesn't seem like two years, with all of the losses that I suffered, but nonetheless, it's been two years.
It seems as though we're surrounded by the assumption of children. If a couple is child free, the automatic reaction (on the part of most) is why? It seems as though it's entirely socially acceptable to ask a couple when they're having children, as if it's not a matter of "if" but "when". The messages are everywhere. One of my favorite shows is House Hun.ters and it always amazes me how couples talk about "when we have children" or "we'll be having children in a few years". One couple even said, "If we don't have children, well, we just have to have children! Otherwise, what's this all for?" (as he gestured to the newly purchased home).
Two years ago, I never thought that I'd be in the position I'd be in now. No, let me rephrase. I never thought I would have had four miscarriages and be no closer to finding the answer to the lingering question, "why"? However, I did go into TTC wondering how long it would take. I was 33 and although I had been on the pill for many years due to irregular periods, I never had a pregnancy scare. I was anticipating things taking a while. I don't know why...I just did. If I only knew. One thing I never talked about (or if I did, it was rarely) was the presumption that "when we have kids" etc, etc. However, I never really allowed myself to think about the possibility that it just would never happen biologically. I knew people here or there who "couldn't have kids" but I never realized just how common IF was.
It makes me want to shake people when I hear their assumptions. What an eye-opener this last two years have been. I've learned lessons about myself, my husband, my marriage and life that I never thought I would. I would certainly have rather never gone through what we've gone through, but I do think the last two years have made me a better person.
Sadly, I can't but help fall into the trap of talking about "when we have kids". I can't let the dream go, yet.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you have had a rough time in the past two years. My heart aches for you. Clearly you are strong and have a solid foundation with your family to move forward in whatever direction life takes you. My hope is that within the next year you find some answers and that your dreams come true.
I was once of those naive persons who loudly articulated her plans for a summer baby, boy has it come back to bite me in the ass.
It's so sad that it takes heartache and tragedy for us to be "better people" - but I know exactly what you mean. It gives you more empathy for others and gives you pause before you assume anything about those around you - be it child related or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am sorry about what you've had to go through. :(
This sucks. I hate that you have to endure this dreaded anniversary. I hate that you had to go through all of this to feel like a better person. It's so unfair. I love you and I hope that by this time next year, your dreams will be well on the road to realities.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Katie- it sucks to have to go through something so terrible to feel like a "better person" - but I do feel like a better person too. I also fell into the trap of thinking this would be no problem, and boy was I wrong. But yes, I can't help but notice how isolated we are, due to our loss, on a daily basis. How it's just assumed we want to have a family and can easily. But that's not true for infertiles, single people, and even gay couples. It's stinky.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are passing an "anniversary". I hope you don't pass another without a child...
(((kelly))) I just passed my 3 year TTC anniversary. Ughhh!
ReplyDeleteThere are certain situations where it is assumed you will have children. My example is at church. Do you know how rare child-free Catholics are? At bible study this spring one of the women was trying to give an example about something and said, "everyone one here has children, right?" I shook my head and DH spoke up. She paused and tried to rephrase what she was trying to say.
Hang in there, girl!
I am on month 18...and it sucks. Ugggghhhhh. Even though my family knows enough not to ask questions, it still stings when a stranger asks it.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you've had a rough 2 years. My heart goes out to you. And I am sending you big HUGS!!!
26 months....I know what you mean. One of the reasons I am so out about our IF is to avoid the "when" question...so annoying. So I am TMI in return. Why is it okay to ask about having kids but not okay to tell people things aren't working? What is that about?
ReplyDeleteSuch a sad anniversary for you, Kelly. It sounds like you know that this process has taught you a lot, but that the means does not justify the end. It certainly doesn't. I feel so sad that not even 1 of those 4 babies can be warmly tucked into your arms right now. And I so, so hope that a little one will arrive in your lives this year.
ReplyDeleteI too feel that assumption about wanting and being able to have children is too prevalent. It's in those moments that I feel like coming out about my infertility. It is so hurtful when people just assume that all it takes is to stop birth control and voila! pregnancy achieved. I wish. WE (the collective IF we) wish!
Sending you hugs, Kelly. I hope there are lovely moments in your day and in your week.
I don't have time to write much during work, just wanted to send hugs and let you know i'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteAssumptions suck. I always assumed we would be at least pregnant by now, but it hasn't happened. I still assume we will have children one day, but it's not as easy to blindly assume anymore, is it?
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you remember the last two years. That's a tough anniversary.
Sorry that you have to have this type of anniversary. :( I'm coming up on 3 years myself. Wow! That hurts to type it.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of assumptions, I know a lot of people look at childless couples and automatically assume it's bc they didn't want children. Are people really that in the dark about infertility?
*hugs*
I used to be a "when we have children" sayer, then it morphed into "if we have children." Now it's "now that we won't be having children." It sucks being reminded of infertility with every comment. My students (high school) planning their lives with things like "I want to be married right after college, so that I can be done having babies by the time I'm 30." That used to be my plan, so it feels like a kick to the gut. Or the friends who say "you can have anything you want if you put in enough effort." I usually respond with the cynical "that's true if you have enough money to throw at the problem." It sucks that infertility takes away your positive attitude about life.
ReplyDeleteYou're right that these assumptions just suck. And, it is so hard to get around them. People suck sometimes. And, I am so sorry for the anniversary.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I do want to shake people about their assumptions sometimes.
I always have that reaction to HH, too. I hate when they say things like "and, then we'll have two kids for these two rooms." Or, we're planning on having kids next year. I always yell at the TV, "yeah, right" and my DH laughs because he was waiting for me to say it. I hate the most when they then show them 6 months down the road in their new home...pregnant. Because, of course that's how it works for most people right?!
Anniversaries like this can be pretty harsh reminders of just how long we've been in these trenches. Sometimes looking back only makes me wonder how much further I have to go...
ReplyDeleteBut when I pull myself together I, like you, realize how much stronger and compassionate I have become. And I know I'm a better person for having endured this hardship. Kelly, I swear we'll make it to the otherside someday - whatever that is , we'll make it and at last have some peace.
Hugs.
i feel that way too towards my "not yet trying" friends. One friend wants to have a baby out of an act of love...not out of scrutinizing temps and calendar counting. I want to burst their bubble and say, IT'S NOT AS EASY AS IT SEEMS!!! But then again, for them, it just might be that easy. You never know until you try. Sucks to be us in RPL world but someday... someday our day will come. =)
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)) Some anniversaries are harder than others. This one bites.
ReplyDeleteJo
((Hugs)). These anniversaries suck ass. I'm coming up on 3 yrs as well and it's just a shitty reminder. Although I agree I'm a better person because of it. I just wish we all could catch a break and not have this pain anymore.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this because my husband and I also reached the 2 year mark last cycle. I feel your pain and send you a big hug because it is no fun to think about how much you have had to go through in the past 2 years. It is so cool of you that you realize how infertility has had an impact with you as far as not assuming what is going on with other people. I do think infertility makes us women more aware of the world around us and more compassionate towards other peoples situations.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite quotes is: "Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." It really is true that we don't know what other people are going through and it ceases to amaze me when people ask personal questions assuming that you feel comfortable talking about it. Thank you for reminding me of this today.
Thinking of you...
I love House Hunters too! The worst episodes for me are the ones where they're looking for the house, then 3 months later, all moved in and sporting a baby bump. Like it's SO easy. Although I've always known people who were struggling with IF, I never realized how many people it actually affects. And I now know I had NO idea what they were going through at the time. I was probably one of the insensitive people who gave unsolicited advice.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you have hit the two year mark...that is something I am dreading. I wish that people knew how common IF is and knew how to be more considerate. I will be thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteI hate the assumptions people make... it's taken me a long time to get to where I can accept "if," rather than "then."
ReplyDeleteIt sucks that you've hit this anniversary. I hope better things are right around the corner for you.
Anniversaries of these kind suck.
ReplyDeleteIn 4 months we'll be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary AND also our 10.5 year anniversary since we started ttc. 10.5 years of ttc a living breathing bubba, a viable pregnancy.
When we got married 10 years ago, there was no way I'd have thought we would have a child by now or that we'd have 8 miscarriages to our name....
It's funny how life turns out.
I hope your 2 year anniversary is your last and that the next date you're counting down to is your DD.
I'm glad the last 2 years have made you a better person, the last nearly 11 for me have had the opposite affect on me, I'm a much worse person for them. Maybe it's because we've been ttc longer, I don't know.
I wish I did.
*there was no way I'd have thought we WOULDN'T have a child by now - that should say! Doh!
ReplyDeleteThe world is entirely constructed for couples with children. Anything else is a "deviation" from the norm. And that can be very difficult, especially when it's far from your choice to deviate.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I kind of wince when I hear the assumptions that people make. But I also wince when I realize that for the vast majority of people, they can get away with safely making those assumptions. Not fair that we can't. Not fair at all.