It's difficult for me to make small talk with others and I've blogged about it before. This is something though that's gotten worse over time.
Actually, it's been worse since March 2009, when I had my first miscarriage.
When I look into the mirror, I don't like what I see. Sure, I carry the IF weight gain and have all those other things I could pick apart about myself physically, but it goes deeper than that.
All I see are my losses and the things that have been magnifed by them. The dark circles under my eyes. The wrinkles on my face. My red, swollen eyes. Even on days that I haven't been crying, I feel like they never go away.
I struggle with this. Others would describe me as funny, smart, intelligent and happy. I want to be those words. I used to be those words. Now I feel like everywhere I turn and everything I do has been marred forever by what should have been. Months of the year are marked by horrible reminders and bring memories that I wish I could push out of my mind. Places I go and songs I hear serve as reminders, too. I can remember conversations I had in the car or news that I recieved that makes it difficult to be on certain roads. It's everywhere.
This is why I've had a more difficult time with people since my losses. Each of them, in their own way, have permeated through my soul. They are scars that will never heal. A simple question such as "how are you" can send me over the edge. Meeting new people and the dreaded..."tell us about yourself" is the worst. Hi, I'm Kelly and I've lost four babies in the last 13 months. That's all I can think about. It defines who I am and everything else that I am, or that I used to be, has faded away. I wonder if all the smiles really cover it all up or if even a stranger who meets me
When will I ever feel truly happy again? Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying on the couch for hours each day sobbing. I still laugh and enjoy things, but in the back of my head, it's always there. Some days it's easier to keep it in the back of my mind than others though. I look at pictures from before and can remember those emotions so vividly. I can remember being happy, feeling happy and not having anything snap me back to reality. I just don't know how to get that back. Maybe it would be different if I hadn't had four miscarriages. It just sounds so disgusting to say that it can't be real.
Each time that a life growing inside me died a piece of me died with it. I can say for certain that no amount of time or therapy will ever bring it back again.
I wish I lived closer to you and could give you a big, giant hug. I feel so much the same way that you describe, I don't think I could have explained it better.
ReplyDeleteyou're present and you're sometimes happy and laughing but in the back of you mind, the sadness is ever present, always with you. Some days are better than others, but it's always there. It's baggage that we will carry with us forever, though I hope with time it will get lighter and more bearable as time passes and good things happen.
Hugs. Thinking of you.
((HUGS)) I have no words of comfort, but I'm sorry you (or anyone else) ever had to experience a m/c. I'm dying to see that BFP, but petrified of the "what ifs" afterwards. Somehow life goes one, and hopefully with every passing year, you'll more and more become that outgoing, fun-loving self you used to be.
ReplyDeleteOh Kelly. My heart aches for you and your four babies. I understand the scars both emotional and physical that IF brings. It hurts with a hurt that can not be described. Just know that, even though you are not the same you from the past, the new you will triumph one day. Happiness will come one day, in one form or another. This is what I have to put faith in as I move forward day after day. You in my thoughts. Give yourself a huge hug for me. So sorry for your pain.
ReplyDelete((((HUGS)))). You write so beautifully about what it feels like to survive loss. I, too, feel as though it is a huge part of who I am -- but not one that anyone else wants to discuss. I WANT to acknowledge my babies, that they WERE (however briefly). And yet easy questions like "do you have kids yet?" set me over the edge. How do you answer that? How do you introduce yourself to someone new without mentioning the biggest part of who you are? It's tough, and I'm with you. It has changed me, and I don't think the person I was before will ever exist again.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could see you in real life and give you a big hug. I'm so sorry. You described it perfectly. It's always there. I understand when you say that you remember feeling happy. I totally feel that way. I was so happy when I saw that BFP, it really showed me how unhappy I am every day. Now that I've lost my baby again, I feel like the difference is unbareably noticable.
ReplyDeleteYou expressed all those emotions so well. It so funny how you describe looking at photos from before you started TTC. We took a big trip to Hawaii in Feb 07, before we started TTC in June. This was going to be our last child-free trip. I have a few Hawaii photos in my screensaver file. So about once a week I see a Hawaii photo. It is funny how happy and yet naive we look in those photos.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true....this changes us, and I don't think we get to go back. We become someone new, someone we never thought we could be, someone we aren't sure we like. But the thing is....there has to be a way to embrace it. To move past the bitterness to a place we can handle, accept. How? I have no idea...but it has to be possible, otherwise, what are we doing? HUGS.
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfect description for how it feels... (*hugs*)
ReplyDeleteMany (((hugs))) to you! I wish that there was something I could do or say to help but I know there isn't unfortunately. I do know that I admire your strength and I am sending lots of PTs to you as you work your way through everything!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful, beautiful, honest post. I can so relate to this. I feel this every day. It permeates everything I do and that I am - and I so long to be that person I used to be - carefree, not thinking that if IF isn't affecting me that day or that hour, that that is a good thing. I wish it could go away for weeks on end. I wish we were still newly married and not ready to have kids yet. I wish everyone around me wasn't having babies either. I wish I didn't long for this so incredibly badly.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Thank you for writing it. It helped me and it touched me... (((hugs)))
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI know this probably doesn't help, but I was just having almost the exact same conversation inside my head when I pulled up my reader and saw this post. We moved to a new city right when my string of losses was beginning, and I really don't have a lot of friends here because "Hi, I'm wifey and I keep killing babies" isn't exactly great new friendship fodder.
Sending you hugs, and wishing no one ever had to feel this way.
Yes, yes, yes. My post tonight came from a similar place. I understand Kelly, I really do. Small talk is especially difficult, I agree 15000%.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that this is something you must endure. I wish I understood it, or could give words of comfort. All I can say is you are not alone. RPL is a unique pain in and of itself, that changes us and permeates us in ways I could never have guessed possible. Thinking of you-
Jess
Kelly, I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with so much loss, especially in such a short amount of time. It's so horrible that things like this happen to such good people, like you. I really wish I could say the right words to comfort you, but please know that I think of you often and really, really wish that you didn't have to go through all this crap. My heart breaks for you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteKelly, I know that I can never fully understand the pain that you and Mr.SC have experienced in these past 13 months. I can only begin to imagine the sadness that is lurking around every corner, just waiting to sneak up and bite you when you are not looking.
ReplyDeleteHell, I have sadness reminders when I go home to AL over some traumatic childhood memories and it makes me quite literally sick to my stomach to think about them, so I can only imagine what this is like for you. It has to define everything you are and will ever be - and that is such crap.
I wish you healing. I really do. I want you to be able to rest your head at night with content instead of sadness. I want you to be able to hold love for your babies in your heart while simultaneously holding your baby in your arms.
Your post was honest, gut wrenching and I can imagine that it will be of great help to those who have experienced the same tragedy.
I am sorry Kelly and I really empathize with how you feel. Small talk and being around "happy" people can be incredibly draining, isolating and infuriating. I hope you know how strong you are. Many hugs.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I am sending you a hug from far away right now. Every time you go out and put on your happy face, you should feel proud of yourself for even making it out of the house.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Kelly. Not being able to create a real live baby is really hard and it can certainly be exhausting keeping up a front. I wish I could say or do something to make it better. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI hear you girl...I think everyone living with IF whether they have a baby...or not hears you...pregnant...trying...cycling..or going through a loss hears you loud and clear...Thats what makes this process what it is and the longer your in it the more lost you can become...Thats why for me its bad I refuse to get a facebook go out on the town with old buddies/more friends from the past...why so I can try to explain what Im going through in a five minute conversation not going to cut it...how do you even begin...Its just not worth it then you get dumb comments like well lots of people who adopt wind up pregant or if you RELAX...blah blah blah I want to say no dumbie this is a medical condition...my body is a killing machine and I will never have a baby without intervention...so yeah I used to be very social but now I have kind of sheltered myself amongst people who semi get my situation but even at times they dont get it...sometimes I feel Im more entertainment instead of really realizing that what I am experiencing is real and raw...Im a person damit...and this sucks...My husband and I just cant wait to enjoy life again....I mean we have a lot to be thankful for but we cant wait to get this boulder off of our backs and really live life again....IF just affects everything...work....leisure...finances...sex life..marriage.everything...you live it dailey no escape....and its hard and rough...and thats why I have started blogging so people can really see the full situation and for the support...since blogging I feel a huge burden lifted I dont feel so along...so know you are not along in how you...feel if I can do anything for you let me know Im here:)Kristi....Also thanks for nominating me I cant wait to respond...I think I will do it over the weekend....Kel your a great strong person and you need to hear that:)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Kelly. I haven't been through nearly as much as you have so my feelings on this and my pain don't run as deep, but I can certainly empathize with this. My inability to have a child is something that's in the back of my mind wherever I go and whatever I do. It's hard to watch people live their wonderful, happy lives and be perfectly content when behind your smile you are suffering. Until someone walks in your shoes, they will never understand how you truly feel and the pain that lives within you. I don't know when you are going to be happy again. I certainly don't think that any of us going through IF or loss will ever be normal or the same again. This shit changes your life. I think it's simply a matter of working with those changes instead of fighting them. Most importantly, I think it's okay to be sad. You've been through hell so many times and my heart aches for you. But you are stronger than you realize. You are doing the best you can with what you've lived through, and that's all anyone can ask for.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to offer (((HUGS))).
ReplyDelete:-)
Your post breaks my heart. It's so honest and heartfelt and true. You've been through the unimaginable and there's no way you could come out the other side the same person you were before.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have so many reminders around you. I'm sorry that part of you feels dead inside. I wish you didn't have to go through this.
But please try not to be so hard on yourself. When I met you, I still saw a smart, beautiful, intelligent, SUPER funny woman. All of that still shines through in spite of everything. Like Katie said, you're doing the best with what you've lived through and there's not a whole lot more anyone could do. (((HUGS)))
Oh it's all so true. Thank you for putting into words what I feel. I was out with friends, but not close friends, the other day, and all I could think about was how big of a faker I am. I was smiling, laughing with others, and inside I was crying. I spent about 10 minutes in the bathroom crying, and then I went back out and laughed some more.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're going through this, but you're not alone. Thinking of you!
I know exactly how you feel. I have a hard time getting out and talking with people (and I have never had this problem before.) I feel terrified that someone will tell me they're pregnant and I know I can't act excited for them.
ReplyDeleteI also feel bitter and just a little mean. I hate that I feel that way so I just avoid situations that make me have those feelings. Gets pretty hard when almost everything makes me feel that way. I really hope that it will end for both of us one day very soon, but I doubt I will ever forget IF.