I've been trying to get caught up on my commenting. I was away this week at Cape May with my mom. She loves the beach and we got a oceanview room and enjoyed ourselves. It was great! This weekend, Mr SC and I are heading to Atlantic City. I got him tickets to see Rodney Carrin.gton and I saved a little money for him to gamble (his thing, not mine!) I'm looking forward to getting away with him. This Wednesday, we're headed back to SIRM for my saline u/s and our immunology bloodwork. I'm amused that I'm spending this much time in New Jersey!
Strollers were all over the place at the beach. YUCK. The only thing worse than strollers for me is pregnant women. Mr SC and I had to go shopping when I got home yesterday and I saw five in the store. BLECH!
I'm also struggling with something else right now. I'm hesitant to even blog about it because I have a feeling I know what people are going to say, not really knowing the entire background. For some reason though, I need to get this out there.
First, I call the man that my mom married when I was four (and who legally adopted me) Dad. He's not my father but that's how I viewed him my whole life until about eight years ago. I'm fine with that. I call him "Dad" when I talk about him but it's more for ease and not for any feeling behind the name. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father. I'm fine with that...my mom is the one who raised me anyway.
My "Dad" was abusive. I'm not going to go into the details about how, but just know that it was definitely abuse, on many levels, and it wasn't pretty. He didn't attend my college graduation (because my mother would be there) and, after that, I pretty much wrote him out of my life.
I have stepsister (who had a kid at 17...GREAT!) that I'm "friends" with on FB. We barely know each other but whatever. She sends me a message a few days ago to tell me that "Dad has cancer". She knew that I hadn't been in touch with him but thought that I should know. I thought this was very kind of her, seeing that we barely know each other. Anyway, it's in his bronchi (I think) and he's having chemo and radiation and after that's contained, they will remove the cancerous tumor that's in his lungs. Not sure how that's working, but anyway.
I thanked her for updating me and asked her to keep me posted. The worst part? I feel nothing. Nothing. I should...I know that, but I don't. Something that I learned about myself some time ago is this freaky thing that I do, in that, when something hurts me too much, I am completely able to shut off my emotions and there's no getting them back. This stems from what happened with my father but it's happened at other points in my life, too.
My ultimate fear is that it happens with TTC and having a child. I want no parts of trying. I want no parts of going to SIRM and investigating what's going on...I just don't know if it's a temporary thing or if the pain of the losses has finally caught up with me, the idea that my body can't process any more pain so I'm shut off.
Only time will tell.
I'm sorry about your stepfather. I've got a similar situation in that my father and I are estranged, also. For a variety of reasons, I want nothing to do with him. I actually thought about this exact scenario happening the other day...I can just see my sister (who visits with my dad regularly)telling me that "Dad" is sick. And what would my reaction be? Could I "patch things up" if he was on his deathbed? I don't really think so...and I fear that makes me a bad person. I just deal with him so much better by NOT dealing with him, as you have said.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, you HAVE to step back. I think that's normal and healthy. Just because you want no part of TTC right now doesn't mean you will feel that way forever.
You have been through A LOT this past year. More than most women endure in a lifetime. It is okay to take a step back, to give yourself some space. To "shut off" if you need to. I can't imagine reacting any other way, honestly. I think I'd be MORE worried if you wanted to jump right back into it without investigating what's happening to cause all these losses.
I don't have any answers, just hugs, and the reassurance that you are not alone.
Jo
Hon - I think that is a completely normal feeling! I have had times during out 5 and a half year TTC journey where I am numb. I feel no feelings. I am indifferent to trying, or not, or adoption, or whatever.
ReplyDeleteIt is our way of self-preservation. Don't be so hard on yourself! Sometimes "feeling" is too painful for our bodies, so our brain shuts that part down.
Take a deep breath and ENJOY your time in Atlantic City!
BTW - I am sorry to hear of your "dad's" illness. There is nothing fun about cancer
Big Hugs!
I agree w/the other ladies..Sometimes you just have to take time out and let your body heal. I have defn. been that way in the past 2 years. Esp. after the m/c in December. I just kind of lost my mind. I didn't want to even think about fertility sh*t. And the need didn't come back for a few months. It is self-preservation, sometimes it's a necessity.
ReplyDeleteIm sorry to hear about your "dad" (stepdad?). Cancer is awful..We went through it w/my grandma and it's just hard all around.
You're always in my thoughts..just FYI (hopefully that doesn't sound creepy)
Emotional disconnect is common in these situations. I think the fact that he's your "dad" makes it harder, intelelctually, for you to accept because we "should" love and forget or own family, right?! WRONG! I had a similar situation of abuse with my grandfather and when he passed, I felt nothing. Never shedded a tear. Don't be hard on yourself and try to force yourself to feel something you don't. You will feel when you need to and I think even if IF wasn't in the picture, you would still feel the way you do today about him.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry for whatever it was you had to go through. No child or adult should ever have to suffer abuse. xoxoxoxoxox
I agree with everyone above. It's perfectly normal to not have any feelings about him, and it doesn't make you a bad person. I'm sorry for the pain that caused this for you.
ReplyDeleteMy DH and I will be in Atlantic City on Monday!
I also agree with everyone else. I think it is perfectly okay to not feel that bad about the bad news. It's not like he really played a good part of your life, right? I can see what you are saying with the emotions and TTC...it gets so draining and I also think that it can be a form of self-preservation. The funny thing is that I was actually just thinking about this yesterday...we were watching a really sad video at work, and everyone was crying except me. A few people commented on it. I just shrugged it off, but I attributed it to learning to control my emotions from IF.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...I hope that you are able to have a fun weekend in Atlantic City!!!
Tremendous (((HUGS))) to you.
ReplyDeleteI think, feeling nothing is a normal part of the journey we have to go through. I look at it as a protective mechanism, and something, which is needed and ultimately good for me. There is just too much pain and disappointment in this for us to keep letting it to us. So don't feel bad about being 'indifferent' about certain stuff, which hurt you before.
I am sorry about your Dad, but I certainly relate to not being affected by his story having no real relation with him. Don't beat yourself up for that.
Sorry you feel down:(
Thinking about you.
I'm so sorry. I also think that disconnecting emotionally is a very natural and, in fact, sometimes very necessary thing. (As you know, I'm all about the self-preservation).
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one. He can't compensate for the past. I would say: in all of this do the kindest thing you can towards yourself.
And I also think that it's normal you'd feel the same towards TTC. That is ALSO about self-preservation.
I think it's about protecting your heart, your soul. And that it's okay to sometimes shut down. The issue becomes if you never face it. Know that we are here to listen, for anything. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteIt's understandable that you are guarded. I agree, I think that after the body/mind processes loss and grief so many times you are capable of compartmentalizing things. I wish I had answers on how to work through this, but unfortunately I don't...I need a shrink myself :)
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself honey...and have a good weekend.
HUGS
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ReplyDeleteKelly, don't beat yourself up. It may feel terrible to not feel emotions toward your dad's illness, but it's normal for someone who doesn't have a good relationship with their dad. I know from experience. I can honestly say that if my dad died tomorrow, I don't know that I would feel any sadness. I don't know that I would even shed a tear or be able to stand up in front of friends and relatives and say, "He was a great man." He emotionally abused me for years and I don't know that I can ever forgive him for his actions. Feeling the way you do doesn't make you any worse of a person. But, I also understand that it doesn't make it any easier to accept. I'm so sorry you had to endure abuse, of any kind, from your dad. No one should ever have to go through that.
ReplyDeleteI also understand your hesitation with SIRM. The only advice I can offer is to do what's right in your heart. If you don't feel like you are ready to go through the testing and determine what's going on, then don't do it. Only you know what's best for you and only you know when you are ready.
Love you!
xo
Things will all work out girl...I think you will find some hidden answers with that immune work up and that answers and solutions will give you that new found burst of energy and hope that you will need in order to get right back on that bike and ride again:) There were many days when I didnt think I could do it again but somehow I always found myself trying and trying again and again...def enjoy these mini VK's your taking...I am so jealous I used to travel so much but this past year with all our pregnancies/miscarriages it didnt leave much time or money for travel....the beach sounds amazing..In IL not much to do or see where I live...Im in a small town of 2000 people:) Take care girlie
ReplyDeleteKelly.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are going through all of this. There is no real way to force yourself into feeling something, even though I am sure that you are feeling lots and lots of things right now. I think the good thing is that you are aware of this and that you are writing about it here, rather than pretending that it doesn't exist completely. Your IF and relationship with your "father" sound so complex that it makes sense for your head to shut off and not know what to do with it all. Keep writing about it, we are here for you.
Sending love your way.
Carrie
Seems like pretty much everyone here is in agreement, and I'm no different. My moods and mindset regarding TTC have been shifting lightning fast the last week or so, and I have had plenty of moments where I'm ready to walk away. But when I've had a chance to rest, recover and shore up my emotions, then I realize I'm not done yet.
ReplyDeleteSometimes your heart needs a break, and it takes it without asking asking permission. As long as you are mindful of it being a coping mechanism rather than a way of life, it's OK.
There may come a time when our priorities change, and once again, as long as we are mindful of our motivations and honest with ourselves, we will be OK.
Protecting yourself is definitely OK. I haven't spoken to my father in many years and I've often wondered how I will react if I find out something is wrong with him. And, I think it would be similar. I just can't feel anything there anymore.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I think it is OK to reach an overall numb spot, too. Sometimes it is all too m much to deal with.
Well I have been sitting here thinking what I should say for a few minutes. I have never been in a similar situation so I cannot speak from experience. I have no words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that I am praying for you.
I'm so sorry about your dad - totally understand where you're coming from about getting numb after awhile with him. Sometimes you have to do that in order to just function! And the same thing with TTC. It's definitely ok to feel numb about it - very normal, I think. Perhaps it would indicate that more of a break is necessary? I don't know, maybe not, but definitely try to listen to your feelings.
ReplyDelete