The End of the Road?

I had my follow-up (finally) today with my RE from my miscarriage in May. It had been scheduled last month but I had to reschedule since I went to that week of training.

Because my doctors (regular and RE) are all part of the same medical system, my RE actually had my bloodwork results from last week from my regular doc. Remember that I had been concerned about my cholesterol (I was on meds for it since I was 25, genetically high, stopped meds when TTC)

The good news:

• Um...I really like my RE. She grows her hair for two years and then gets it cut for Locks of Lo.ve.

The bad news:

• She thinks that IVF with PGD is a waste, since studies have shown that the success rates aren't high enough for live births
• She also thinks it's a waste since we aren't sure what my problem is (and PGD would be leaning ot an egg quality issue)
• This IVF idea is different from the doc at SIRM (philosophy about the road to take, if all my tests from She.r come back fine)
• My cholesterol, in my RE's words is "terrible" (which I can't take medication for while TTC)
• She talked to me about my other "options": donor eggs (no), adoption (no), and a surrogate (no)
• She thinks if we're going to keep trying, we do so sooner rather than later due to my age and my cholesterol.

Yep, that's it. My day sucked.

I could have clobbered Mr SC. He went with me because I had an anxiety attack about even going to see her. The last time I was in that office I was miscarrying. However, he didn't go back in the room with me.

He kept getting on my shit to tell him what happened. I told him I'd rather talk to him about it in the car. Well, it's a good 10 minute walk from her office to the car. He was getting frustrated that he didn't know what was going on. I kept saying, I'd rather do this in private. Then, finally, after another question, I just started talking about it, right in the middle of the sidewalk. Donor eggs, blah blah blah. WTF? I let him have it in the car. I was crying and really upset. He kept saying, "what's the big deal...no one was around". I said the big deal is I'm crying, there was a dude in front of us on his phone and I asked to wait to talk about this.

Honestly, if the testing from SIRM doesn't turn up anything, that may be the end of the road for us. Why? Because I'm not comfortable shelling out all that money for IVF when it's questionable if it will even work. And, I'm not ready (or willing) to just try again blindly. Then I'd have no one to blame but myself if I miscarried again.

Maybe there's a reason that everything is working against us...the losses, the scar tissue, the Factor V and MTHFR diagnosis and now, my cholesterol.

I'm the first to admit that I could lose weight. I get that. However, we were at the store getting some things for the beach and Mr SC kept picking up things that he knew I would like and reading labels. He just kept saying, "this doesn't have cholesterol" and "that doesn't have cholesterol". Yes, I know. Finally he said, "what do you eat that has cholesterol?" I keep telling him it's a genetic thing but it's not getting through his head.

So that's that. Maybe there's a reason why I keep feeling like I'm swimming against the current. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted mentally and, just like swimming against the current, after all that work, it's gotten me nowhere.

Perhaps it's time to get out of the water and sit on the shore.