Do you ever feel like the rest of the world keeps moving on and living life and there you are...not moving and stuck?
This has been a long stretch for me to be at home this summer and, well, I'm realizing that fleeing the scene and escaping isn't the most effective coping strategy. It takes much more work to stay at home and deal with things. (Well duh, right?) Since last summer and looking forward to this fall, I have gone (or will be going) on 16 trips. Granted, most of these are only for long weekends, but still. I've had a great time but our finances have taken a significant hit. I keep thinking "you only live one" or "life's too short" but now that I'm taking a step back, I'm not sure if I want to follow those adages. We don't know where we're headed TTC-wise and I feel almost like I'm rebelling against all of the planning and the holding pattern that so many of us encounter with TTC.
Nittany got 4th place this weekend, which was great! It was 100 degrees on Saturday and being outside from 7:30am to 5pm was a bit much. Sunday brought a two hour torrential downpour and a tornado warning. Ugh. I'm looking forward to an easy week before we had on vacation next week!
Yes! I have that feeling a LOT. I think its a normal part of the grieving process. After my father-in-law passed, my husband frequently commented about how he felt that everyone just kept going, and how shocked he was that the world didn't just STOP. I felt similarly after my miscarriage. In a different way, I've felt stuck for a long time in this phase of my life: the married-without-kids phase. I'm ready to be married-with-children, and never thought I'd be married-without for so long.
ReplyDeleteSo, yes, in many ways, I get how you feel.
And, you do only live once, and I admire you for doing all those things you want to do, and not letting all this mess hold you back.
Hugs,
Jo
Totally!!! I watch everyone else living these lives, moving forward, and then there I am - stuck forever it seems...
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome that Nittany got 4th place - how exciting!!!
YES. This is exactly how I feel right now. It's like those movies where one person is standing still and everything around that person is moving at light speed. I feel like that person at this moment in my life.
ReplyDeleteYou should do whatever you feel most comfortable with. If there's something I've learned so far on this break it's that there is no right or wrong way of doing things. The only "right" way is by listening to your mind and heart and doing what feels right. I admire you for doing that.
Congratulations to Nittany! And hugs to you. xo
Yay for Nittany!! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, I know what you mean. The weird thing is that I don't realize I'm at a standstill until I notice that everyone else's lives are moving forward and mine isn't. My family just had a reunion last week (I didn't go) and I realized that it was 2 years since the last one and I can't believe that time has passed and I feel like I'm exactly where I was then. My mother keeps telling me about all the "cousin's children playing together" and how so-and-so's daughter is "already 5" and I just keep thinking that I'm still doing exactly what I was doing 2 years ago. I've been ready to move on with my life out of the selfish phase for so long now.
That's awesome for Nittany!! I wish you could send all that rain you've been getting our way. We're having the first rainy day in a month here today and it's suprisingly nice.
ReplyDeleteI can relate with your traveling and money woes. We LOVE to travel, but know sometimes it's a bit much when we really should be putting money away, but I count it as therapy. If we don't go out and do these things I truly believe our marriage would suffer. But I do realize it might someday come back and bite us in the butt! Hope you're able to find some middle ground!
Ugh, I totally agree with this. I know we should be saving for the eventuality of either
ReplyDeletea) hopefully - having to pay for completey unpaid maternity leave or
b) hopefully NOT - having to pay for IVF
but we just keep travling insetad... I feel like i'm in this void of trying not to care.
I feel EXACTLY the same way. I've felt stuck for close to 15 years now. And I use the same therapy as you - Travel! It seems like I can't go 3 months without booking a trip. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs evidenced by my post yesterday, I can most certainly relate. I feel like I am just sitting here, biding my time, while the world spins around me. I think that's the definition of grief though, the only other time I felt that way was after my dad died. And my friend's mom died last summer and she said something similar. It's just that something so epic has happened in our lives and it hurts to go back to normal. I remember clearly going to the grocery store after first my miscarriage and sobbing- how dare these people go about their daily lives, I thought!
ReplyDeleteHolding patterns stink. And I think, that's the trouble of the indefinite break thing we are both in. We aren't ready to get back in, but we aren't ready to be completely out of the game either.
Thinking of you...
(Oh and Ps- Congrats to Nittany!)
I agree, you only live once! You need to do what makes you happy. If traveling is what gets you through this in between TTC time then do it!!
ReplyDeleteI feel very stuck. It used to be just because of our inability to have a baby, but lately I also feel stuck at work. . . and it really stinks feeling stagnant in two HUGE areas of my life.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I think it's great that you are enjoying yourself by traveling while you can!
I'm with you. It's a crapshoot. For a long time I struggled with whether to start new things (take a new job, for instance). It's hard to live normally, but I also think it's impossible to completely throw yourself into something uncertain. Basically, my comment doesn't make much sense, but I feel ya!!!
ReplyDeleteAll I want is to run...all the time. Escape. I think it's to be expected with all that we go through. But I also think you will know when it is time to face things. Congrats on 4th place, and big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI hate, hate the stuck feeling. I know it well. I also know the conflict between just wanting to live life, to travel and dealing with infertility finances. Our therapist wants us to take a vacation soon so we'll have to figure out a way to make that happen.
ReplyDeleteOh dear woman! Of course you are tired of keeping your life on hold! It sounds like the trips have been a good way to appropriately distract yourself from the grief of IF and m/c.
ReplyDeleteYou sound so wise, Kelly, and I know you will figure out what you need next, both in terms of nurturing yourself and in terms of creating your family.
Sending you hugs.