You know...the end of the line? the straw that breaks the camel's back?
I'm just curious. For all of you out there in TTC land...
Have you identified it? Figured out what you'd whip out the white flag, signaling defeat? Determined what your end point will be?
Be honest here. And, for those of you who know my details, don't feel badly if it's with say, loss #20 (or whatever). We're all different...different paths, goals, expectations, means of reaching the child we all so desperately want.
But have you determined what will draw that line in the sand that once you reach it, there's no turning back and you'll say enough is enough...I can't do this anymore?
I know that plans change and that life changes or that life is what happens when you make plans. I get all that. This is just about where you're at, in your heads, with all of this.
Thats such an interesting question. And I ponder it often. I continually wonder if I am pushing myself too far, but then the idea of stopping right now just doesn't seem right. I think its a balancing act between hope and hopelessness and I am continually checking the scales to check that hope is winning the race. So while I don't know just yet where my exact line in the sand lies, I do think when the time comes to draw it I will intuitively know. For me I feel that as long as there is hope I will continue and I know that may keep me in this IF treadmill for many more years to come, but for now that is what feels right. I always admire those who are decisive enough to know when to walk away and be content with that decision, I really think that takes commendable guts.
ReplyDeleteGreat question. I ask myself this all the time: When is enough enough? I think you're right. For every person, it's different. One person may be ready and prepped for three, four, etc. IVF cycles. Another may never get past the trying naturally stage. And I think it's okay, because we all have different paths that we are supposed to go down and we all have different tolerance levels. It doesn't make one woman stronger or better than another; it's simply what makes all of our stories unique.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't know what my breaking point is. I know I'm not ready for the next step, but I know I still want a child. Everything else is still yet to be determined. But I'm not in a big hurry to figure it out. I figure that, sooner or later, my path will find me.
Fantastic question - and one I think of all the time. For me, I think it's all about a number of factors: insurance coverage (we have none), length of time spent in "limbo" (three and a half years and counting for us), how we are dealing with failed cycles...
ReplyDeleteI don't know what our breaking point is, but I'm sad to think that it is going to be a financial decision instead of a "we're emotionally done" feeling.
Good question! When I thought I was just IF, I had a plan (with a calender and everything!) Now that I'm recurrent miscarriages, I don't know what to do next? I guess there is no last straw, just go crazy until I'm some how a mother!
ReplyDeleteDo you have any plans?? What does your doctor say to do next?
I unfortunately know more than one person who has hit the proverbial "End of the Road" in their journey to become a family. From what I've been told, 'you just know'. And you know in the way that you knew when you wanted to marry your husband - or ironically, start trying for a baby. Something in your heart just clicks and you make peace with wanting to stop treatment - or pursue adoption. I realize that's a little vague, but that's what I've been told..
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think I might have to draw the line a two IVF's... But if money wasn't an object it might just have to go until my heart tells me it's time to stop...
Kelly, I'm sorry that you even have to ponder this. My heart is aching for you.
Well...to be very honest....for me I ask when enough is enough....and thats a really hard decision...when we first started on this road we never thought our journey would be this hard or long....but it is what it is...and I have fought..advocated...followed all the rules...been poked...multiple surgeries...sacraficed many social function/vacations...depressed...happy....hopeful...hopeless...just tons of things all revolved around IF and Miscarriages....Def not a life that you can live forever...My husband was not open to other options say adoption in the beginning but as time has passed and our issues increased before this recent IVF cycle we made a decision that we would give 100% to and do IVF/Immune Tx and if we didnt become Pregnant we would try again but if we did and had another Miscarriage requiring a D&E that we dont think we could do it anymore...we need our life back...ourselves back...and therefore we talked about pursueing adoption...because thats what we really want to be a mother and father...a family whether the child is biologically ours or not wouldnt matter....then maybe someday down the road pursue this again when there are more options for treating my immune issues...Ok so Im going on and on...so who knows maybe I will change my mind as things happen but that is my plan....I just cant keep enduring all this pain anymore
ReplyDeleteMy exact breaking point was a day in mid August, last summer, sitting in my OB-GYN office awaiting his reproductive nurse practioner to give me the results of all my blood tests. As soon as she started listing all the things they found - all the things that probably turned my eggs bad, all the things the dumba** RE who did my two IVF's never checked for, the things that would happen if I did get pregnant through IVF, the medications I would have to take, shots I would have to give myself, all the blood that would constantly be drawn, the high rate of miscarriage I would have, and then having my mom by my side breaking down in tears over this as she believed she somehow gave me all these bad genes, well I was DONE. When my husband heard the results he was DONE. When I realized that we could borrow money for an egg donor, go through IVF again, do everything possible, and still have no baby, I knew it was really, truly, over. We had already discussed adoption because somehow I knew in the back of my mind that this end was coming. I was on the phone with the agency the next day asking for the paperwork. All the money we have spent, the time, the work, and yes the tears on this adoption will be worth it because we will finally have a baby. Am I angry still about not being able to get pregnant and carry a baby? Yes. Will it ever go away? Probably not. But we just couldn't deal with the crappy odds anymore. We needed a sure thing. We knew that no matter what, somehow, in the end adoption would bring us a baby. (Sorry this is so long and Kelly I hope you are doing okay!)
ReplyDeleteI kind of feel like I have had many "last straws" during this journey, but I have managed to keep going. I remember when we first started TTC, and I couldn't imagine being like some of the girls whose blogs I read that had been TTC for more than a year - at the time, that seemed unbearable, but here I am, going on two years. I used to think that my last straw would be multiple m/c, but now I almost think that sometimes that would be easier than nothing at all. Then, I thought that I wouldn't be able to take it if/when my best friends got KU first. That has happened as well, and I am still here. Right now, I think that maybe my last straw would be doing IVF with PGD and not getting any embryos, but since we are pursuing adoption, I guess I am avoiding that problem. Maybe now it would be having a birth mother back out of adoption after the match has been made?
ReplyDeleteEven though your question doesn't apply to me right now, it will again someday.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was TTC#1 I had already decided that my limit was the one IVF cycle and then FET's of any of the remaining embryos. Even though we had purchased the shared risk plan of 6 cycles I wasn't physically ready to ever commit to another fresh cycle. It was too much.
Now, I'm willing to use my totscicles but again, I won't do another fresh cycle. My reasoning isn't much different this time. I can't mentally do another fresh IVF cycle - physically/mentally it brought me to my knees. I'm not strong enough to go through it again. If I had known what it would really be like the first go around I probably would have walked away then.
But that is just me.
Good luck today Kelly. I am thinking about you and I hope that SIRM provides you with some answers.
This is a good discussion.
ReplyDeleteAfter I had my third m/c my husband and I realized we would not be able to keep doing this forever. Then I got a diagnosis of a clotting disorder so I figured I would try 3 more pregnancies with Lovenox. But we have not been able to get pregnant on our own in the past year. So we have not been able to try the Lovenox yet.
I like what Melissa G said "From what I've been told, 'you just know'". That is something to ponder.
Great discussion. My issue is that my last straw is very different than my husband's. He he set on having an biological child and will not consider egg donor or adoption. When I ask him about living child free, he says that is not an option either and he wants to ttc until we get a baby. When he says this stuff, I want to scream my head off!! My end game is much sooner than that. We have been ttc for over 3 years and have already been through 4 ivf cycles and lost one baby 15 weeks into my pregnancy. I am nearing the end. I would hate to think back on my life and realize that I spent all of my 30's in this process. I can see doing maybe 1 or 2 more IVF cycles before pulling the plug. Hopefully, I will still be married when hthis is all over :)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a hard question. Right now, I don't have a last straw. I feel like I'm still at the beginning of all this-- I haven't even been to an RE yet. All the things that seemed so scary and awful and like such a defeat sixteen months ago (testing, clomid, iui, ivf) now seem like potentially logical next steps.
ReplyDeleteI know that more than 5 years sounds like an awful long time to be doing this. I know that I'll be pushing for adoption if we hit the two year mark without another viable pregnancy. But that wouldn't forestall continuing to try naturally.
It's like the definition of pornography, I suppose. I'll know the last straw when I see it.
I'm a little different from everyone else here. My last straw came 8 months ago, when constant headaches started to run my life. I was basically forced into quitting by my body. Stronger people might have persisted to continue to TTC, but I threw in the towel. Is it hard? Absolutely, but it does get easier for me every day. It's almost like I have accepted defeat. Sad but true. Sigh. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm scared to actually put this in writing, but I think my last straw will be my 35th birthday next May...if I don't quit before then. For me, I feel like when I hit 35 and that wonderful term of Advanced Maternal Age comes in to play, I will have to stop. My husband may be done before then as he has stated a few times that he already feels too old to start over with a newborn. We had agreed to stop after our IVF. Afterall, if it were meant to work and I was meant to get pregnant with those embies, it would have happened, right? But stopping didn't feel right at that time. We aren't pursing any more ART treatments since we have no more money for it. I am praying so hard for a miracle, natural BFP before my next birthday...and I'm praying that you get your sticky bean very soon. You deserve a happy ending after all you have been through.
ReplyDeleteI too am pretty different when it comes to throwing in the towel. I think I already have when it comes to procedures. We didn't even do anything besides meds, and because we are unable to do anything financially we are just letting nature take its course. If we become pregnant naturally than I will feel blessed with a miracle, but otherwise I just know we will probably never move on to IUI or IVF. We are more likely to move to fostering & adoption. I haven't been to my GYN in almost a year, but when I go for my yearly check up I will take one last stab at any option their office can offer (even a slim chance at IUI depending on cost), but after that I know I will be done except for hoping naturally.
ReplyDeleteAlso a question I ask myself a lot. I think I'll recognize that point when I get there. And give myself permission to pay attention to it. But I agree with Egghunt: as long as hope outweighs the despair (if even by a smidgen), I'll keep trying. Just wish it didn't have to be so tough, though. For any of us.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm pretty different, too (although I suppose I'm not, really, since I'm not the first person to say that here!). I change my mind sometimes, but as it stands right now, I probably won't pursue any additional treatments. I think for me, it's not so much a "last straw" as an ability to accept the outcome of my choices. While I'll of course always be hopeful that I'll get pregnant naturally, I know that it's unlikely. I wish things were different, but I can accept it. I agree with Marla - to an extent, it's accepting defeat.
ReplyDelete~http://tryingagian.blogspot.com
I think it is different for everyone, but for us, it was when I got a positive pregnancy test, and I went out to the kitchen, and asked my husband "Are you ready for this rodeo again?". Adoption was a natural transition for us (I'm adopted), so it was easier I think, because we knew what was next... My husband said he couldn't watch his wife loose another piece of her, because after ever loss, a little bit of "me" died...
ReplyDeleteDe-lurking to add my 2 cents worth.
ReplyDeleteYou just know. One day it hits you like a ton of bricks and once that happens, there's no going back. For me, it was just before what would turn out to be our final IVF. I watched a boy with his dad and I realized that I desperately wanted to parent above anything else and that I was done with ART. That was late Feb and by Nov that same year, I was a mom to a beautiful little girl via adoption.
Everyone is different. But you will know when it's right for you or if it ever is.
I think it will be when God changes my heart...to change my desire for a baby of my own flesh-and-blood -- one that is a perfect mix of me and my DH--- to simply that of a baby, no matter who the biological mother/father are. Until that happens, I think we'll continue indefinitely down this road... or 'til we're broke, and are forced to take a break for monetary reasons. But I can't see us giving up for a long, long time.
ReplyDeleteHoping you'll know what step to take next, and find peace in whatever it is~
Happy ICLW!
For us it's when we're out of options... being limited by insurance, sticker price, what we can still do, what I respond to, what preventative measures we can take to prevent another miscarriage, heck I don't think I would keep trying at this point if I had another one... 3 is enough for me, and 4 would be the kiss of death. But the truth is we are constantly changing the end of the line here- we say no more, we end up agreeing to one more cycle. We say no more again, we do more testing. We have set a definitive end of the line before moving on to adoption- a few more cycles if I keep responding- but then we're packing our bags and leaving all these appointments and disappointments behind. After 3 years and 3 miscarriages, I am pretty much done- I have nothing left to give.
ReplyDeleteBut again, plans can always change. I can't say that if I landed a job with insurance coverage for IF that I wouldn't use it. Maybe. Somewhere down the road, I might revisit this. Plans change all the time, and that can be good or it can be bad- especially when you want a concrete solution, a definite light at the end of the tunnel. You want an exit date.
What a great question. I think I'm almost there. If anything was to go wrong with this pregnancy, and it still very well could, then I think I'm done. I can't keep doing this to myself -- it's just too hard. Adoption is hard, too, but in a different way. I don't know that the hubs would agree with me, though...which is an entirely different conversation, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I always said my end point would be before IVF, but then found myself begging my RE to move to an IVF cycle. I just don't know. I've come very close many times to throwing in the towel and moving on, but got convinced to keep going. Pregnant for the first time currently and wonder if it's my last. DH and I sincerely don't know if we're willing to go through this again for another child and are really thinking strongly about adoption for baby #2
ReplyDeletethis is hard to answer, but i'll give it my best shot.
ReplyDeletesince my fourth failed iui cycle and all the emotions that go with that (and previous miscarriages also), i have started to question how badly i really want this. its so hard and emotionally painful to go through. do i want to be a mom because thats the next logical step and i've always "assumed" i would grow up, get married and have kids?
lately, when i'm around other peoples kids, i can't wait to leave - to get away from them. but not because my maternal juices are flowing and its making me sad ... more because i'm annoyed by them. i've talked with my acupuncturist (who, by the way, doubles as my therapist these days) and she feels its my defense mechanisms at work and its not really how i feel. she may be right, in fact, she probably is.
all i know is that i'm 38 right now, turning 39 in november. i don't have the luxury of taking a few years off to figure this out. so, my hubs and i have decided that the single most important thing to us right now is that we do everything in our power today to achieve a successful pregnancy and become parents while we have some time left because we don't want to end up looking back when we're 45/46/47 and childless with immense regret that we didn't try hard enough. we also don't want to resent one another because one gave up before the other. and we both feel that, at my age, we still have a shot. so, we're going to blow our brains out on this and do everything that we can until we're tapped right out so that down the road, we (hopefully) won't live a life regreting what we didn't do and try to find peace in our childless future.
not really a direct answer to your question, but that's where we're at. does that make any sense?
all i know is that i'll know when i get there.
ReplyDeleteit breaks my heart to think that one day i'll get there. i don't want to get there :(
I don't know - I really don't. If you asked me last week when I found out my baby was dead, I would have said right then I was done. But I'm not. I don't know how many times I can do this. How long I will be able to continue to have hope. I know that it's a long way off though. I think I'm willing to do a ton before I get to that place. Scary to think about.
ReplyDeleteIt seems as though I have been on the virge of throwing in the towel many times, but seem to find resilience and will. I get knocked down, yet get back up to fight. Suppose I just haven't had enought yet.
ReplyDeleteI pray for tenacity, resilience and strength for all who walk this uncertain path. It's beyond difficult, beyond terrifying and beyond my comprehension sometimes. Yet, I keep walking and I'm not sure how, but I know why ;)
HUGS
I wrote a post on this a few months ago, it was actually titled 'the line in the sand'. While that line has slightly shifted, our essential plan stays the same.
ReplyDeleteWe plan to try naturally (timed for six months with a more aggressive immune protocol. if that fails we will do IVF #2 early next year. I will not be doing that unless I can get intralipids. But basically, if it fails, if we get no transfer, or nothing to freeze, and no positive, that's it. The reason we decided to keep going is that we know there is treatment out there for my issues that we haven't tried yet. If it fails, we are going to walk away and enjoy each other and the rest of our lives.
I agree with a lot of people about you will know when it's time - Years 1-3 in the trenches did not bother me at all. But now..I was 32 when we started and 37 in a few weeks. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. 5 yrs is long enough for me.
For me, the last straw is this second IVF attempt. I didn't realize how burnt out about all of this my DH was until I forgot to get us to sign the consent forms before he had to leave to go out of town this week. We had to drive up to our RE very early on Sunday morning to drop them off. He is very frustrated and keeps mentioning how glad he is that this is our last try. Both of us are even afraid to hope that the outcome of this cycle will be positive. We're just going ahead with it one day at a time. This is the last straw for us. We both want a baby, but we want our lives and happiness back even more. Will we adopt? Will we remain child free? I'm not sure which path we'll pursue.
ReplyDelete