Yep. I'll admit it. I'm nuts. Warped. Scarred. Batty. Bonkers. Ah, what the hell. I was trying to rise above and not resort to profanity. If I'm being honest though, nothing quite says it like saying, "I'm fuck*d up".
I still cannot believe what I just did. I walked a mile to my car and found a drug store in the town that I'm in (remember, away for a work thing) and took a HPT. WHY??? Why did I do this? AF still hasn't showed. I'm fairly certain when I Oed. BFN.
One would think that after four miscarriages and no explanation as to why they're occurring, I would be relieved about this.
Nope. Disappointed. Why? Well, because now I'm back to my body misbehaving, with no explanation, yet again. It's been seven weeks since my m/c. Seven. It's never taken this long before for the hag to show. I'm so tired of all of this. I'm at the point where I'm just done. Done with thinking about my stupid ass menstrual cycle. Finished with packing a whole assortment of pads, tampons and the like of various shapes and sizes when I travel, just in case AF decides to tag along for the ride. I'm all set to have testing done and I can't because I'm stuck here, waiting.
For those of you who had asked previously, no, I didn't have my betas followed to zero. Why? Well, I couldn't deal with knowing that my body "expelled" the pregnancy but in some sick, twisted universe, my body still hangs on to the hormones. I also have a hell of a time having blood drawn and I just didn't do it. I know my HCG though is back to normal levels and has been for several weeks. How? I can explain but it's long and, well, I'm hot and feeling extra bitchy.
Hmmm...maybe it's a sign that the wench is about to come after all.
Oh good grief - your poor body (and mind!) no wonder you went to a drugstore for a HPT - I would have too!!! ((hugs)) and I hope that you are having a nice time at your conference.
ReplyDeleteI feel you...I really do. Can I be that "silver lining" person for a moment? A BFN confirms that your HCG levels are zero (or if not zero, then close enough to be BFN). I mentioned this morning on your previous post that it took at least six weeks before I started a new cycle after I took Cytotec. Now that I think of it, I think it took at least six weeks before I got a BFN (they didn't offer to monitors my beta, so HPTs were my only option--I remember because after one still-pregnant BFP, I made myself wait until after our Fourth of July trip), so it may have been even longer for the next cycle to kick in. I am sorry that you're feeling hot and bitchy...perhaps, like you said, this means that it's coming soon. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteUgh, I am so sorry. Hope is the blessing and curse, I am glad that you are still hopeful for your BFP followed by a healthy pregnancy, but know the flip side of that all too well. I know it can take the body a while to bounce back after miscarriage and your body may need more time this go around. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteAF is a big stupid cow! I'm sorry for your BFN and that she's playing head games with you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy. I thought the same thing after your last post...wishful thinking is something we're good at, after all! I'm sorry that things are moving slowly and I hope that AF rears her ugly head sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs,
Jo
I'm waiting for my AF as well and just like you it's been 7 weeks since my m/c and D&C. It's so frustrating not knowing when it is coming, and I hate how I feel stuck in limbo. My body seems to be a mystery that I cannot unlock.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are going through this, but it was reassuring to read this today, when I was feeling so frustrated and down because of this.
Thank you
Sorry that you're having 'one of those days'. Here's to hoping your body figures itself out & soon!
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better - I have a big bag of crazy myself. How can anyone go through what you've gone through and not be a little bit whack?
ReplyDeleteBut crazy or not, I don't think what you did was unreasonable. I guarantee I would have done the same.
Thinking of you.
I found out yesterday my levels finally dropped to normal. I just wish my body and my head could move on!
ReplyDeleteTake care!
Ugh and sorry for the BFN. Here's hoping that AF gets the message and shows up soon. It's time to move on!
ReplyDeleteOh, Kelly. I am so sorry your body is misbehaving. I really wish that it would just cooperate for once. And for the record, I don't think you are fucked in the head. You are completely, 100% normal. Anyone else would have done the exact same thing.
ReplyDeletexo
You are not f'd up! Unfortunately, this behavior is quite normal in this community. :O) So sorry once again for a BFN.
ReplyDeleteIf you're nuts, we're all nuts. I am sure most of us have been there before. I know I was after my first miscarriage, I did something very similar. But, at least you know your beta has dropped. It is shocking to me how long it takes your body to recover from these losses. It does get a little scary to not have AF show for awhile, I know. I am not expecting mine again until fall. I know it sounds crazy. But, it's true!
ReplyDeleteNot crazy. I POAS a few weeks ago b/c I was "late" - for me, that's nearly impossible to say - irregular cycle, not to mention it just wasn't physically possible. So, no, you aren't crazy. We all hold some little hope in a little corner of our minds despite the odds.
ReplyDelete