This trip has been difficult for me for many reasons. I'm very glad I came and I was so excited about it, but it's been tough.
You see, I'm not a very outgoing person. I'm fairly shy and always watch people (with awe) who are able to talk so easily and so freely to others. I wish that were me, but it isn't. IF and RPL has only compounded this problem for me.
I'm in class all day from 8-4. That's relatively safe. Then comes the afterwards. I'm so nervous. I don't want to hear about babies or children or whatever. It doesn't help that the complete dolt who I sit next to and who I'm partnered with (gee thanks, professor) and who munches on his fingernails all day (um, tapeworm anyone???) has a newborn-ish baby as his laptop wallpaper. Great.
I don't want things to make me sad or upset. It was a big step for me coming here, leaving the relative safety of my home, leaving my husband. I'm avoiding social interaction (beyond professional stories, of course) like the plague and I hate it.
Then, last night, I log on to FB (uh oh!) I commented on a friend's status and there it was. A former student (former because she's a chain-pot smoker and she dropped out of high school at 16) had commented on her status, too.
And then I clicked.
I already knew she was pregnant, but I got to read it. Her "about me"? 17...single...pregnant...happy
Status updates...
Ate breakfast at McD's and threw it up! Perks of pregnancy.
Chillin' with x, y, and z (who are all chain pot smokers too and even if she isn't smoking, her growing baby surely got a contact high)
My favorite?
Off to see the baby daddy.
Fucking great.
Of course I'm upset at this point. It's 11pm and Mr SC isn't here. It was last night that I realized that he's not a big talker but he really and truly is there for me, in ways I never realized. I really miss him. We've become much more connected with what we've gone through, and I'm thankful for that.
AF is on her way. I started spotting this morning. I'm glad (especially after what I wrote about yesterday) but still. It's just another reminder that I'm not pregnant.
I am the same way. I am not one who will seek out people and chat with random strangers. I'm a quiet person. I envy those who can do it. It is so not fair that a young girl who doesn't take care of herself and has a baby daddy can get pregnant, while we can't. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh hon - I am so sorry. That just stinks. I could talk non-stop about all of the idiots who are able to procreate that shouldn't be able to. I can't pretend to understand it. In any event, keep your head up and hang in there. Hopefully you will be back home to your comfortable surroundings before you know it!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I understand completely how IF turns you into a social idiot. While I think my social skills are pretty good, around mothers, pregnant women, and people who ask me if I have children, I forget how to string two words together. I hope these next few days speed by and you can spend some quality with your husband.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I cannot even comment about the pregnant 17 yr old, the world makes no sense.
Stupid chick! I don't even log on to FB anymore in fear of similar stupid chicks!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Will you be home in time to enjoy the long 3 day weekend?
ReplyDeleteThose FB comments make me hurl. Ugh. I'm sorry you're feeling alone right now and missing Mr. SC. I know how much strength he gives you. I hope the week the week flies by so you can get home and enjoy the weekend with Mr. SC and your puppies.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I hate those sorts of trips, too, when it comes down to the social part. I'm a giant social dolt without someone as a buffer. And, it's just so hard to avoid the baby talk. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteAs for the former student. Oy. Yeah, I definitely feel for you. The girl I've talked about on my blog seems to now be everywhere I look and I CANNOT STAND seeing her. She's retaking (for the THIRD TIME) the class she failed with me last semester and now seems to like to hang around chatting about pregnancy with my giantly pregnant colleague. Such a fun thing to walk through on my way to class every morning.
I'm so sorry! FB sucks!
ReplyDeleteI'm socially awkward too. I just get really shy, but I always think that people must think I'm just weird or not interested in talking.
Even though you might think otherwise, I hate being in a big group of people and find myself in socially awkward situations all the time. It's compounded by the fact that I have many personal inadequacies that I feel are magnified in my professional setting, plus the fact that I'm in a sales position which should make me a wonderful conversationalist - but, I'm not. I'm the girl that goes to my room and hides when everyone is going out after the session for wine, dinner, etc. So I understand. IF will make you feel even more reserved and isolated. But always know you can find support and comfort here.
ReplyDeleteI don't even have a facebook account for that exact reason. I am sad enough about not having my own child I don't need to hear about how everyone else in the world is getting pregnant. I'm sorry you are having a tough day.
ReplyDeleteFacebook brings many good things by keeping in contact with people of our pasts and who are currently in our lives. On the other hand, it can be a very unhealthy thing when you have to read about a 17 year old being pregnant...thinking of you on this rough day. Treat yourself to something fun today!
ReplyDeleteI despise Facebook! See, all of us did it wrong...We waited until we were ready to be the best parents we could be. Apparently we should have gotten pregnant at 17 by our baby daddy.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for having the courage to be away from home. I say to just stay away from anything baby, and it is okay to stay away from people right now. Protect yourself. You have been through so much...so much more than anyone should have to go through. I am so sorry.
Sending you a BIG HUG and praying for endurance as you finish your conference. I too, have become somewhat socially withdrawn, as there are just too many references of children, pregnancies and baby announcements. All of which impact me in different ways...its sad to feel as if you have to be "on guard" everywhere you go.
ReplyDeleteAs for the FB thing, I don't have an account either, as I know it would be flooded with all things baby and I just can't deal with that right now. Maybe someday, but not now.
Be good to yourself sweet friend. When do you go back to Sher to see your Dr. again? I'm thinking of you always and have FAITH in your journey.
Hang in there and you will be home very soon. Back to your little safe haven with your hubby :)
Hugs and travel safely
As much as I love traveling to conferences and workshops there is always the inevitable akwardness of having to be social. Personally, I would love to skip the stupid "small group exercise" and opportunities to network. I am much more comfortable listening to good, engaging lectures. Try to take some of your alone time to treat yourself well.
ReplyDeleteTheat FB stuff is puke-worthy, yuck! I know how it is to see stuff like that. Sure that 17 year is putting a happy face out to the world, but could you imagine being in her shoes? No thanks.
Socializing was never easy for me either, and I agree 100%, it's just getting harder after all of these losses, etc... If it makes you feel any better, it's not just you.
ReplyDeleteI am angry for you hearing about your former student. The world is just so unfair sometimes, it makes you wince.
Thinking of you.
I hate Facebook. Really. It's the devil. There are so many days when I feel like saying "Fuck it" and just erasing my account. It's the infertile woman's worst nightmare.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you miss home. Just a couple more days, Kelly. You can do this!
(((hugs)))
Ugh. New baby wallpaper + forced socialization + chain pot smoker FB update would = me throwing things in my room. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time there. I'm glad that AF is finally pulling into the drive, but I do know what you mean about her just being a reminder of what isn't.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad you have Mr. SC. Mine isn't a talker either. But the support and the closeness thing - they're worth their weight in GOLD.
My DH is also not a talker, but I know that I cncount on him no matter what, and his hugs mean more to me than can be expeessed. Sometimes it's not about the words...
ReplyDelete