The Nursery

Feels odd to call it that, but it's coming along well. Mr SC is in the process of completely redoing the room.  Here are two pictures that give you an idea of colors, the rug and the dresser/chaning table.

The dolls on the chair were mine from when I was a little girl that my mom sewed for me. I thought that Alaina would like Elmer and Emmy Lou to play with, too.

And here's my bump at 29w5d

Why I Don't Want a Shower

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I have absolutely, positively no interest in having a baby shower.  I've tried (and I'm hoping I was successful) at making this clear to my mother and my MIL and talking about it to my husband (although, when I brought it up today he acted like he forgot the conversation until I pretty much gave him the play by play).  Why, you say?  But you get gifts!  And cool stuff!  And all things baby can be celebrated!

First, I've never liked baby showers.  No one really ever looks like they're having fun (sorry!) and I hate being the center of attention like that. I can also do without the "just wait!" comments and also the, "when Suzy was a baby" remarks, all while the women without children feel like they've landed in some type of alternate universe. Second, I live an hour and a half away from my close friends and family.  One friend that decided to not have children hasn't talked to me since I got pregnant (and I think she's avoiding me because it's painful that her older spouse made the decision about not having kids and that was that ), two close friends live too far away to attend and, if it were here, my SIL would be invited (who I haven't spoken to in a year) and well, I just don't want bullshit drama.

Finally though (and probably the biggest reason) is that I don't want to celebrate her pending arrival as if it's a done deal.  Anything could go wrong.  I'd rather celebrate her arrival when she's here, healthy, and in my arms.

So, tonight I brought up the subject with Mr SC again.  I had an idea a couple of days ago and wanted to run it by him.

I should explain to you though that I'm not a "this is how you're supposed to do it" kind of person.  I skipped my senior prom (had the dress, shoes and everything) because I decided to dump my boyfriend two weeks before because he was an ass, Mr SC and I had a small (8 people) wedding and had a party/reception a month after. 

My idea?  I want to have a "She's Here!  Come Celebrate With Us!" party.  Nothing fancy, just a picnic at our house in September (much cooler temps) so that people can meet her and, well, celebrate with us.  They can bring gifts if they want (or not).   Much to my complete surprise, Mr SC loved the idea. 

Am I nuts?

My Mother is Not Understanding

I'm partially looking for advice here/partially trying to vent.

My (step) brother-in-law's wife (of a month) just had a baby two days ago.  This was the oops baby announcement back in October that sent me pretty much over the edge and was a layer of icing on the cake when Mr SC and I had originally decided that trying was just too much anymore.  They postponed their wedding two times, there are questions of paternity but somehow, my brother is happy (and that's just great).

Several months ago, I had to tell my mom to stop talking to me about this baby.  I didn't want to hear about it.  It didn't matter that I was pregnant...it's like she thought that being pregnant would erase what we've endured (hello...four miscarriages doesn't just "go away").   I don't know if she ever truly "got it", but she respected my feelings.   This is something that generally my mom is very good at, so this was all very weird.

Anyway, as I got further along (and SIL got closer and closer to her due date), my mom would give me more information (mainly because I asked).  About a month ago, again though, I had to tell her that I didn't need to hear a play by play and that just keeping me informed of the basics was good.  Mom kept pushing me to call/email SIL and I didn't want to.  I get it.  We're both pregnant at the same time but that doesn't make our pregnancies the same.

Now that baby is here (she was born Friday).  Mom sent me pictures which were difficult to see.  There was my mom, holding her stepson's child.  My mom should have had that experience at four different points in time with me and there she is, beaming with oops baby.

Anyway, my point is this.  Mr SC and I are supposed to go see my mom in two weeks (she's about two hours away).  She sent me an email today about...please let her know for sure about times because she wants B, SIL and baby to be here so we can meet her.

I don't want to meet this baby.  I don't want to sit around with idle chatter about babies (and just you wait talk), all while everyone is oohing and ahing.  I just don't.  I don't want to meet her until we have our baby.  That may sound horribly selfish, but frankly, until she's alive and healthy and in my arms, there will always be a part of me that thinks this is just some cruel joke.   So, yet again, I've had to explain to her all of this.

Why isn't she getting it?  Why is this so difficult for her to grasp? 

Sour and Sweet

This post is a post about this weekend.  You all know what I'm talking about...the annoying FB reposts (already?  seriously?), the commercials, the movies being advertised on TV networks tomorrow....  YUCK.  BARF.

So, Mr SC and I went out to eat last night.  I checked out their menu online in advance and was surprised at what I could eat.  Our server was a sweet woman, who was great while we were there (you know...not too in your face but there just enough).  After she came back to bring our change when we were finished, she looked at me and said words out loud to me that no one else has ever uttered.

"Happy Mother's Day", she said with a kind smile.

Almost instantly (but somehow after she turned around), I lost it at the table.  I know she was being kind because of my growing belly, but my tears were more from so many other things.  I was crying for all of you.  I was crying for the Mother's Day two years ago (seriously?  two years?) when I was pregnant (with what became our second m/c) after our first loss.  I thought that one was a fluke and was so happy.  I was crying for the four lives that at one point were growing inside me but never made it.   Although I'm so thankful to be pregnant now, I don't know if I will ever be able to see Mother's Day as a day without pain.

So, although I'm not saying it out loud, I'm still saying it to all of you:  Happy Mother's Day.   Happy Mother's Day to all of you who hold the dreams of a baby in your heart or a baby in your arms, to those of you who have someone who looks to you as a mom and to those of you who are furmoms.

Thinking of all of you this weekend.

The Post Where I'm Upset

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So far, I think I've been handling things quite well in this pregnancy.  I'm in the 3rd trimester.  I've been watching my weight gain and, although it's in the average range, it's on the low side (yay, me!).  I haven't once even thought about complaining about the daily shots of Loveno.x or the pain that I'm in daily (and have been since around 20 weeks) that my doctor offered me a "safe" narcotic for (HA...seriously???)  Because, guess what?  After all that I've been through, I know how lucky I am to actually have made it this far.  For some reason, I have a baby growing inside me and complaining just seems to take away from that.

But now?  Now I'm just a big, awful mess.

You can think that I'm being overly dramatic.  That's fine.  I just still have these thoughts looming...no one knows why I lost any of my other pregnancies.  Was my thyroid out of whack?  Was it the clotting disorder (that doctors still disagree on how to treat)?   How do I know something isn't going to happen now?  As we take those small steps to getting the nursery together, I feel like fate is just waiting to laugh in my face.

Now I find out that my baby is big and it's my fault.  Why?  Because of my diet and because I have gestational diabetes. 

I know this isn't the end of the world.  I know it's manageable.  I just can't help but think though of all the other things that I have that are supposed to be manageable that aren't or haven't been in the past for me.

So that "healthy" baby girl I have inside me got the way she is because I can't even take care of her when she's inside me.   Some freaking mother I am.

I want her to here.  I want her to be alive and healthy.  I just can't help but think that something horrible is going to come of this pregnancy because all of the lovely "risk factors" I can check off.

Oh My!

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I was going to wait to post until I had the full results from my 3 hour glucose test, but I'm not sure when that will be. 

First, the u/s went well on Thursday.  Our little girl is still a girl :)   Everything looks good internally, the placenta and my cervix are still great.  All looked good.

She's certainly a big baby, though!  I was 27.5 weeks at the u/s.  Every inch of her (bones, head, organs, etc) was measuring just over 30 weeks.  She's also almost 3 1/2 pounds already!!  I talked to the MFM doc who said that all looked great and that no, this doesn't necessarily mean I have GD.  I'll talk about more specifics with my OB next week.

Off to the glucose test...

Fasting was difficult.   The first part of the test is that they draw your blood, after fasting, right away (and after eating a half decent amount of carbs in the days leading up to the test).  I passed that (which made me feel better).  Then the sugary stuff and more blood.  That's the part I'm waiting for.  I was all set with my iPod and No.ok, but DH sat with me and waited.  This was all ok until about the last half and hour.  I was so damn hungry and he was trying to talk to me.  It was the day that all that horrible weather made its way through the NE after ripping through the south.  Anyway, I looked at him and said..."Honey, I love you.  But please, please just shut up.  I really need you to just stop talking."  

Tomorrow, I'm Going to Hurt Someone's Feelings

We have our u/s tomorrow morning to check on our little girl since I'm measuring a bit ahead.  I'm trying not to worry about it and am looking forward to the chance to see our baby again.  Then, I have my glucose testing.  I'm all set with a new book and my iPod (hey, hey...I'm trying to be positive)

The waiting room for the MFM doctor at the hospital shares a waiting room with my old RE's office.  My appointment is at 8am, which is when the waiting room will be packed with the first come, first served patients for my RE before they officially open at 9.

I remember being in that waiting room, countless times.  To see if my baby was still growing, to confirm miscarriages, to wait for the administration of the cytotec when the miscarriages were confirmed.  There are hopeful couples in that waiting room, too.  For follie checks and other ART procedures.

And there I will sit with my 7 months pregnant belly.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for those couples who will be in that waiting room and will be hurt by seeing me.