I'm partially looking for advice here/partially trying to vent.
My (step) brother-in-law's wife (of a month) just had a baby two days ago. This was the oops baby announcement back in October that sent me pretty much over the edge and was a layer of icing on the cake when Mr SC and I had originally decided that trying was just too much anymore. They postponed their wedding two times, there are questions of paternity but somehow, my brother is happy (and that's just great).
Several months ago, I had to tell my mom to stop talking to me about this baby. I didn't want to hear about it. It didn't matter that I was pregnant...it's like she thought that being pregnant would erase what we've endured (hello...four miscarriages doesn't just "go away"). I don't know if she ever truly "got it", but she respected my feelings. This is something that generally my mom is very good at, so this was all very weird.
Anyway, as I got further along (and SIL got closer and closer to her due date), my mom would give me more information (mainly because I asked). About a month ago, again though, I had to tell her that I didn't need to hear a play by play and that just keeping me informed of the basics was good. Mom kept pushing me to call/email SIL and I didn't want to. I get it. We're both pregnant at the same time but that doesn't make our pregnancies the same.
Now that baby is here (she was born Friday). Mom sent me pictures which were difficult to see. There was my mom, holding her stepson's child. My mom should have had that experience at four different points in time with me and there she is, beaming with oops baby.
Anyway, my point is this. Mr SC and I are supposed to go see my mom in two weeks (she's about two hours away). She sent me an email today about...please let her know for sure about times because she wants B, SIL and baby to be here so we can meet her.
I don't want to meet this baby. I don't want to sit around with idle chatter about babies (and just you wait talk), all while everyone is oohing and ahing. I just don't. I don't want to meet her until we have our baby. That may sound horribly selfish, but frankly, until she's alive and healthy and in my arms, there will always be a part of me that thinks this is just some cruel joke. So, yet again, I've had to explain to her all of this.
Why isn't she getting it? Why is this so difficult for her to grasp?
I get your frustration. I don't know why it's not sinking in for your mom about this oops baby, but I'm sure since you told her what's what, she won't force the issue. At least she better not! Cuz that would be totally uncool of her to spring a surprise visit on you. Some people will never completely get it, I guess, and need constant reminders of how to deal with an infertile. Very frustrating, but just keep doing what you're doing.
ReplyDelete(((Hugs))) I'm sorry things are so difficult with your mother. It must hurt to have her be so clueless about what you need. Even thought she seems to respond appropriately when you tell her what you need, it still must be really hard to have to deal with this.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult, but I think maybe your Mom thinks that you being pregnant has 'cured' you of IF and miscarriages. On the other side, it is tricky because they don't know what to say and how to react, and what sort of level of information is appropriate.
ReplyDeleteHmm - can you explain that she shouldn't set up a date, but that you'll go and see new baby if you feel up to it? Good luck!
I could've written this post about a few people when everyone I know got pregnant before me! Pregnancy does NOT erase what you've been through and an oops baby is NOT the same as yours. I would be totally frustrated if I were you too, and I would just tell your mom that while you're happy to see her that at this point you're finding being around new babies a bit overwhelming as there is a part of you fears never getting there. That is totally honest and how I feel too, I couldn't identify it or fully put it into words until I read your post though, so thank you for that!!
ReplyDeleteJust tell her that you'd love a meeting afterwards where you can share baby stories together, not having to hear the 'just waits' from the SIL! I'm already tired of the 'just waits'. And no, our pregnancies aren't the same as theirs, just like mine aren't like all of my friends who mostly are on their 2nd or 3rd child and none had to do fertility treatment like I did. I get it, I really do and think you have to put your foot down and if it seems mean or rude, you always have pregnancy hormones to fall back on if nothing else works. But I would tell her that you don't want a meeting so she doesn't surprise you, that would be the worst and would push me over the edge!! Sending love and want you to let us know how it turns out! My mom doesn't get it either--ever! She tries bless her heart, but she doesn't.
I totally get what you're saying about the pregnancies not being the same... and I don't think anyone who hasn't lived through this can totally get that unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some advice :( I think explaining that you will meet them when you're ready, and at your own time, is a good idea. You can try explaining to her your feelings about all this, and how you still have a hard time because of everything you've been through... I don't know if she'll get it though. In my experience, they might let go of one incident, but you always have to keep re-explaining every time a new one, or a similar one, pops up.
Best wishes on however you handle it, I hope it works out and you don't have to meet the baby yet. I know I wouldn't want to deal with that either (*hugs*)
That's so tough. I honestly think that some people just assume we are cured of infertility and loss at certain points in pregnancy, or when we have babies, or when we adopt. My mom even said something the other day about this ("My friend said she was find after she adopted her baby. Never thought about infertility again!"). But we know better. I would say gently remind her again. Tell her it's still hard for you. That it will always be a little difficult for you to relate. I think the only thing we can do in situations like that is stand up for ourselves, no matter how many times it takes.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I say that you need to be firm and tell her again that you will not do it until you have your baby. If she does not understand, then that is okay. I don't think you need to worry about her being angry with you, because you are having her grandchild soon, and are therefore the "gateway," and she wants to meet and be close to your baby.
ReplyDeleteThis did happen to me (almost the exact same situation) and I did end up obliging. I don't remember if I regretted it or not right away, because so soon afterwards I went into the hospital and I lost my memory it seems. I wish that I could write more on here about it, but I've become paranoid about people finding out my identity. I remember that I was dreading it, but once it happened, I was happy that I did because saying no would mean causing a lot of waves. But you need to do what is right for you and that baby!!!
Tell your mom NO and that she needs to LISTEN TO YOU!
Oh gracious. Perhaps she doesn't understand because, for her, the pain of your losses has evaporated in the face of her excitement about your little lion.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how many times my mom has tried to tell me that my miscarriage happened for a reason and it's all good now that I'm pregnant again.
That's so not how it works, and we know that, but no matter how blue in the face we get explaining it, those who haven't been through it simply don't understand.
I hear you. Tell her that you're simply not ready, that you want to see HER during your trip, that you still need to protect YOU through the rest of this precious pregnancy.
Ahhhh....family. People in general don't get it. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. No one could understand how I couldn't see my BIL's and SIL's twins...it just made me sick to think about. But after we had our baby (on 4-27!) I was able to go and see them...and it was easier than I thought. No one understands...which makes it SO SO HARD. You'll get through it...just try to be okay with people being disrespectful and judgemental - which is also SO HARD! Nobody understands unless they have gone through loss and infertility!!
ReplyDeleteugh, I'm so sorry your mom still doesn't get it. I like what others have suggested, to just tell her you're not sure if you're ready and ask her to hold off so you can see how you feel when you get there. I hope she is supportive. good luck xo
ReplyDeleteThis is so tough. I think you have to just keep explaining yourself, no matter how difficult it is. I wish she made more of an effort to understand you!
ReplyDeleteI get it. Just like adoption didn't cure my infertility, neither did getting pregnant. I think people how haven't BTDT sometimes just don't get it. We get it though, and you aren't alone in your feelings.
ReplyDelete