Yesterday I kept myself occupied with Mr SC. We both talked about not getting our hopes up with all of this. Last night though I pointed out that's exactly what we were doing. And we are. How can we not?
The worst part of this hellish roller coaster is that we went through something very similar with my last m/c, before I started blogging. Perhaps at some point I'll blog about that.
I'm a high school teacher and have been out this year more days than I'd like to count. The miscarriage last fall and the two hysteroscopies alone totaled up many days. I had told two friends at work about the ER visit and what the doctor said. I had called off through Thursday of this week. Yesterday, however, I let them know I would be back today. So much for that.
How in the hell am I supposed to function for a week, like a normal person? Like a person who wasn't told I was losing yet another baby and then told wait, no, things are looking good. Seriously. How am I supposed to wrap my head around that?
I made it halfway to work and got so sick to my stomach. I got to school and tried to sift through the notes and work on my desk and couldn't even see straight. I left.
I feel like such a colossal failure. I'm letting down my principal, who has been more than understanding. How much more patience can he have left for me? I'm letting down my students, who have yet another sub. I'm letting down my husband, as I sit here on the couch. I'm letting down my future child (if I ever actually give birth) because every day I stay home because I'm mentally unstable is another day that they will have to be in daycare. Most of all, I'm letting down myself. I was doing so well with this pregnancy and now this. The worst part is is I feel like this is all my fault. I have the power to stop all this. I have the power to put an end to me being an unreliable employee. I have the power to be a better teacher, a better friend and a better wife. I just need to stop trying to have a child.
Oh hun.. please don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a failure and you are not letting anyone down. I hope the next week goes by quick for you, I wish I had some advice to help the time pass quickly. Please don't take this out on yourself, you did nothing wrong. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetie. This is NOT your fault. You are going through something traumatic and it just is what it is. Your principal will have to deal. Your students will have to deal. This is something that is incredibly important to you and your husband. You are not "bad" for trying to have a child and knowing how difficult it is going to be. You are trying to be a wonderful, caring mother.
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to imagine how hard this has been and is right now. But, remember, this is a medical issue and others will adapt for you. They care about you and want you to be happy and healthy. To do that, you need to take as much time as you need.
I'm sending you so many ((hugs)) the Internet might burst.
Oh honey, you are not a failure. You have been through so very much and you are entitled to your time to pull it together. The fact that you are so conscientious about missing work, your students, your principal, your hubby etc indicates that you would be a wonderful mother. You've put more thought into that than many mothers give to their children on any given day - sadly. You care about everyone even now when you are enduring something so difficult. You are a wonderful, beautiful and caring person who is traveling a path that no one should ever have to travel. You will survive this too but you must be kind and gentle with yourself along the way. I am praying for you hon. Again, I am so very sorry you have been through so very much. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT a failure. You are a normal human being, and you need to do what is best for YOU to take care of yourself during this time. You've been through so much, Kelly. More than most women go through in their lifetime. All of those people who are worried about disappointing--they all love you so much and are concerned about you. None of them are judging you for leaving. Leaving today is the best decision you could have made and I am so proud of you. Take today and get the time you need to rebuild. Take tomorrow and Friday, too, if you need it. You are what's most important right now and everyone understands that. I promise.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
I think you need to stop being so hard on your self, and try to take a deep breath and take life minute by minute. The news that you have received in the past few days would throw ANYONE for a loop, no matter if they have lost a child before or not. And, since you have, it's just magnifying the fear/anger/hopelessness. There is not a person on earth that could handle this 'well'... and if they tell you that- they are lying to you (and themselves) friend! I will be thinking and praying for you. Trust in your doctors, and know that you can make it.
ReplyDeleteThis is not your fault! You've been dealt a really terrible terrible situation. Even if you quit TTC, you'd still be unhappy. That's the annoying thing about this stuff- there's no easy way out. I can't imagine how you can function this week- it must be so hard. I think it's amazing you even tried to go to work! It's so hard to balance work, I feel it too. But do what's right for you in the here and now, today. And worry about tomorrow when it's time to worry about it. Lots of hugs. Do something nice for yourself today.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a failure, please don't be so hard on yourself hun. I know what you're saying, I missed so much work and college courses because of my m/c's- but people understand. You're not unstable or weak, you are going through a crisis and even the most resilient and stable people have to take time for themselves when a crisis comes around. Try and take care of yourself, focus on your well being and not worry so much about what everyone else needs or wants from you- right now, you have a lot going on. (*hugs*)
ReplyDeleteKelly, never give up on your dream of being a mother. There is nothing more important you can do in your life. Jobs can come and go, but family is always there. Building your family is your #1 priority right now, and that is just how it should be, and how it should always be. Your priorities are straight, and your head is on straight.
ReplyDeleteI know that if I were in your shoes, I would be handling all of this just as you are right now. It is a lot to handle. It is hard to go from up to down to up to down and back up again. All you can do is try to focus your attention on other things until you can get back in for another ultrasound.
Most importantly, take care of you. Take all of the days off work you need. That is the best thing you can do for you and this baby.
*big hugs*
Oh, Kelly. I don't have any words except that I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It is NOT your fault....you can only do what you can do.
ReplyDelete((big hugs))
Kelly I tried to leave a comment on your last post and my computer wouldnt let me. Hon, everything you are going through is so normal for a completely f8cked up abnormal situation. Of course you cant function, of course you cant focus on things, and no one on this earth who has been through what you have or is going through what you ARE now would have any issue with this. Neither should anyone else.. if they are actually human.
ReplyDeleteGuilt is a bitch. That vincdictive mistress guilt swaggers up to those most worthy at times of grief and sadness. It sucks that those of us are so hard on ourselves... and guilt takes any opportunity to weasel her way in. Send guilt and her bad perm on her way. This is your time and you need to honour it and yourself by doing what you need to do to get through each second of the next week.
We will remain here. Listening, hoping, praying, and waiting with you. Guilt will tell you that you suck, to give up, because you are letting everyone down. Dont listen. Bitch slap that mole. You are still a fantastic person, and I am sure a great teacher,you are this person who is fighting her way out of a big pile of sh2t that doesnt belong to you. I am right here... and i will bitch slap guilt for you if you dont...Em
You are not a failure at all!!! It is completly normal. I can't even imagine what I'd be like if I were in your shoes after having losses and then this mindf*uck. I know I would not be able to resume my normal activities and act like a normal happy person. And you ARE taking care of your baby, by taking care of YOU first. You need to take care of you and by doing that you're taking care of him/her. If you're not ready and you feel like complete shit then take some time off. And I'm sure your hubby doesn't think you're a failure or anything. He probably thinks you're the most amazing and strong person for enduring everything you've gone through to get here. Hang in there and I hope this next week goes by super fast!!
ReplyDeleteYou ARE NOT a failure. No ma'am. You are not. I refuse to believe it. And you are not ready to quit because, for fucks sakes, you are ready to be a mom. And you can't just give away that feeling. Take care of YOU right now because that is what is important. I think any one of us, if we were sitting in your shoes, would feel the same way you are feeling so I can only assume it's totally normal.
ReplyDeleteSending lots and lots and lots of love.
I know what you mean, hon. I went through something similar last time and there was just no way I could function at work during that waiting period. You are not a failure and your work should understand that you aren't playing hookie and really dealing with some serious health issues.
ReplyDeleteMostly, I'm just so sorry that you are having to go down this road again. Sending many prayers.
Kelly, you are NOT a failure and this is NOT your fault.
ReplyDeleteYou are in a horrible, difficult place right now. If you need to take out time for yourself, do it.
I am declaring it Be Nice to Kelly Day. That means you must go out ( or stay in) and do all things that make you feel better or that you enjoy. Spend some time taking care of you.
Oh, I agree with all the others that you can't be so hard on yourself and you can't blame yourself. Even though it's so hard. I am so sorry. Sending you hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteLot's of hugs and prayers! Things will get better, and just take care of yourself now!
ReplyDeleteStay strong! :)
Kelly...I don't have the exact right words..But you are NOT a colossal failure. How else would one expect you to act in this situation? I know I'd be a basketcase. I wish I had ideas to help the week pass, but I don't. Just know that a TON of us are praying/hoping/wishing for you and holding you close in our arms <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteI've been where you are. And it's so easy to place blame and want to give up and to feel like a failure.
ReplyDeleteBut you are NOT. Truly, you are not. This is a horrible, effed up situation you're in, and it's completely unfair and it sucks, but it's NOT your fault and you're not letting ANYONE down. You're not. It's easy to feel that way, I know that, but please know that the people in your life that care about you do not feel like you are letting them down. I promise.
Hang in there. Thinking of you!